WASHINGTON DC — Earlier today, Ultrabar Nightclub became the first nightclub in the United States to take a stance against douchebags by specifically banning all douchebags from their premises, much to the excitement of clubgoers in the DC area. While common practice in European nightclubs, especially in France, the trend of formally banning douchebags has only recently gained traction in the United States. Most likely brought on with the surge in Jersey Culture and Guidos brought on by the rise of The Jersey Shore.
Darren Watkins, Chairman of the United States Clubber’s Association applauds Ultrabar‘s bold stance against douchebaggery, stating that “douchebags have always been a problem in nightclubs, and hopefully this will start the trend across the United States.”
Ultrabar made its stance very clear with an update to its club policies page, which states:
Effective 4/1/11: Management also reserves the right to refuse admission to any/all douchebags.
In a statement released earlier today, Ultrabar social media director Mark Maskell explains that this move was absolutely necessary to protect the interests of the customers, and to maintain the comfortable, and inviting atmosphere that Ultrabar is known for.
A March 2011 study commissioned by the DC Hospitality Group of 1,000 random female club patrons in DC indicated that nearly 35% of all female clubgoers top complaint is Douchebags. This is a spike from two years ago where the study showed that only 19% of clubgoing women in DC had problems with douchebaggery. Many respondents also wondered why the clubs just don’t ban them outright.
Alarmed by this sudden spike, Ultrabar decided to take immediate action, even though their club had the lowest douchebag count in all of the DC Nightclubs, at a very tolerable 1.14%. Maskell explains that the reason for this low number is that Ultrabar had quietly been turning douchebags away at the door for years. However, with the increased popularity of the club, douchebags were showing up in record numbers, just to be turned away. “It created quite a traffic jam, and wasted a lot of our staff resources that could’ve been spent on better customers.”
Ultrabar regular customer, a student from Sweden, supports Ultrabar’s decision. “I have been clubbing all over the world, and its nice to see that the anti-douchebag sentiment has spread to the United States as well, especially to my favorite club.”
However, despite the growing popularity worldwide, it has been difficult to get it moving here in DC. Many club owners are hesitant to turn douchebags away, for fear that they won’t have any customers left. Another local nightclub owner, who declined to give us his name for fear of losing his business, said “I wish we could ban these douchebags, they’re arrogant, they bother girls, and their strong cologne makes people vomit. But without them, I wouldn’t have any customers at all.”
And indeed, Ultrabar has already received some backlash from the DC douchebag community, with douches planning to boycott all DC nightclubs, not just Ultrabar. Brian Campbell, president of Douchebags United was outraged. “This discrimination is absolutely intolerable, especially here in the Nation’s Capital where so many millions have fought for their freedom from discrimination and hatred.”
Campbell explains that douchebags have the right to hit on everything that moves, grab girls butts, act like they are superior, start fights, tip poorly, and act like a baller. Campbell comfirms this saying “We do whatever the hell we want, and the constitution protects it.”
My interview with Campbell was interrupted at that moment when an attractive young lady walked in to Barcode, the restaurant/lounge where we were talking during their infamous Extended Happy Hour. He raced over to her, grabbed her by the waist, threw down a pathetic pick-up line, flexed his muscles, and laid down his best rap. When the woman’s husband walked in three seconds later, Campbell puffed up and gave the husband a dirty look and grabbed the wife’s behind defiantly. When the husband shook his head in disgust, Campbell ran over to the bar, cut in line, elbowed a girl in the face, spilled his drink on two people, punched a baby, left no tip, and began clucking like a chicken at the husband.
Barcode Manager Arman Amirshahi had seen enough, and grabbed Campbell by the collar, lifted him off the ground, and literally threw him out. Amirshahi just shook his head, “Douchebag.”
Perhaps this bold move will send a message to douchebags across Washington DC: You’re not welcome here anymore.