Spring break is finally here! You’re probably going to some island with a weird spelling that includes an X. And it’s probably sponsored by a trip company. If not, I am very sorry to hear that. Hope you have fun with your endeavors.
This is the toughest thing ever to prepare for. Ladies, this is mostly for you. You’re about to be wearing a string bikini and nothing else in front of countless males. That is slightly frightening. OK, it’s horrifying.
Cue spring break diet, or also known as the hardest, bagel-less few weeks of your entire existence. This diet takes a lot of willpower, absolutely no drunk eating and one too many crunches.
Think of this few week period as a Passover diet, absolutely no carbs. Some may call this the anorexia diet, but hey, that’s not fair – lettuce definitely counts as a food group!
You have to work hard and play harder. All those hours spent at the gym in your lulus WILL pay off. The time spent dissecting your dinner plate and eating around all but the vegetables WILL pay off. Your hours spent chiseling your abs WILL pay off. Just picture your chiseled physique sippin’ a marg on a beach recliner.
Packing for anything is difficult. Packing for seven nights may just be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You have to pack enough to have options, but not so much that you have to check your bags and risk losing everything.
Ladies, go shopping. Leave yourselves plenty of time to plan every outfit for every moment of your trip. You probably will not recall this plan once your margaritas have taken control, but it’s nice to feel like you’ve prepared.
We suggest lots of high-waisted Levi’s, plenty of maxi skirts and tons of cute tanks and cover ups… for those moments you don’t feel like wearing an itty bitty bikini in public. The most important thing to remember? Bathing suits. Just, duh.
Worried about the airport? Fear not. Keep your outfit trendy, cool and most importantly comfortable. Wear leggings, a flowy tank, a light jacket (we suggest jean) and a fedora. The fedora is fresh and you avoid having it bend in your suitcase. Lastly? Some fly kicks. Wedge sneakers will provide comfort as well as the kickass factor.
Bring a tote bag or backpack for the plane. Just remember the liquid ounce limit. Having airport security take your most prized liquid possessions is very unsettling.
Don’t forget to bring headphones and download some movies on your cell. The most important item to pack? Advil. Lots and lots of Advil.
Let me paint you a picture. I am one of the palest chicks around. Like the only way I appear tan is because my freckles begin to attach.
If you have pale skin, wear sunscreen. It’s not hard. Yes, everyone looks better tan, that’s great. But have you thought about what you’d look like as a lobster? Probably not.
Here’s another story. I went on a cruise, didn’t wear sunscreen and got sun poisoning. The end. Moral of the story? If you wear sunscreen you will be protected and look good. If you don’t, you will get chlamydia and die. Everybody take some rubbers. Get it?
Next… remember your room number. Nothing is more embarrassing than stumbling into someone else’s room in the state you’ll be in.
Lastly… don’t be an idiot. Well, yes be an idiot. But don’t be too much of an idiot. Catch my drift? Just be enough of an idiot to enjoy yourself without losing all your energy. You do not want to miss any moment of this trip.
Take a nap, or two, or three, or four or sleep until you can’t sleep anymore. Perhaps detox with a juice cleanse.
And just when you’ve begun to regain your humanity, you may want to check your syllabus. Not tryna burst any spring break bubbles, but you may very well have a paper due tomorrow.