Look at your sorry pale ass, slumping over your laptop, covering up that muffin top layered in flannel and shivering from the bitter chill that is 18 degrees outside. But just when you think you’re going to go all ‘Office Space’ at work or psycho in your study group, remember that small glimmer of hope, the beacon in the sky that is spring break.
But before you toss your winter duds for that skimpy banana hammock and drown your liver in alcohol, prepare yourself with the knowledge of those who came before you. Those proud alumni of spring break who have tested the waters, and ate the slimiest of shell fish. Those warriors of wet t-shirt contests who came back tattooed and pregnant with a bloated liver, crabs and a prison wrap sheet. This is one time you want to listen to your elders, or face the fact that you may come back to real life, more disheveled and pathetic than you left.
You can always cover up that tattoo of a monkey on your ass and forget about the towel boy Pablo you slept with, but one thing you cannot recover from is being the loser who is stuck in the dorm room alone. You’ll be getting assaulted with photos on social media of all your slutty friends whooping it up at the beach, while you’re watching reruns of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ or scraping the slush off your windshield on the way to your mind numbing corporate job from hell.
While your brain is melting from the all you can drink bar, you may think that getting a tattoo of your girlfriends name or a unicorn tramp stamp will make you all your buddies laugh. This is a very bad idea, you WILL grow out of that hipster stage (hopefully) and be stuck with that mistake your whole life and a stretched out butterfly on your pregnant stomach in ten years isn’t a good look. The painful reminder of this tattoo will follow you and the removal process is more painful than the shame you scarred yourself with. Go tattoo crazy all you want, but make sure you’re in a clear state of mind and not during spring break on a dirty folding table with a rusty needle and booze brain.
Spring Break Burnt Victim
Neck down hasn’t seen the sun in six months. You. Yes you, you pale ass mofo! Heading south for spring break without getting a base tan at the salon is like exposing a newborn’s naked body to your dorm room hot plate. Get your pasty flesh to the tanning bed nearest you and save yourself from third degree burns. Skip this tip and you’ll be bed ridden with burns and blisters, stuck in that roach motel with an economy size bottle of aloe as your only friend. Also, make sure to use sunscreen and you’ll avoid looking like an old leather bag at 30.
Seafood from Hell
You gotta have something to soak up the booze, but that $9.99 all-you-can-eat seafood buffet will come out of every hole you have (free diet advice found here) before you make it to the dessert bar. But just in case you can’t resist those fried clam strips, make sure to pack some Imodium or this spring break will be one to remember for all the wrong reasons.
Girls Gone Wild
Joe Francis is the scum of the earth, plus why would anyone pay for porn? Yet, girls are still dumb enough to find themselves on a Girls Gone Wild video. Well guess what, now your pervert father’s friend who watches underage porn in his basement is going to happen upon a video of you showing your goodies to sleaze balls on film and your dad will never look at you the same. You’ll wind up shoveling shit on an alternative spring break or in a convent so keep your wild ways off film because it will surely haunt you for life.
Nobody looks good in cornrows. No exceptions. If you’re idea of a fun spring break is sitting still for hours on the sand in 100 degree weather while some smelly fat chic pulls your hair out of your skull, you can head to the Barber Shop and ask Ice Cube to get your pre-weave do done. Not to mention with the sand and surf this look couldn’t be less hygienic.
Alternative Spring Break
Hey you know what sounds like fun? Building a hut in a third world country and getting eaten alive by killer mosquitos while you tread around in donkey feces. NOT! Alternative spring break is for nerds. Worry about your resume later, college is supposed to be fun, and no STD can be worse than malaria, well maybe, but at least it was more fun catching. We’re not saying NOT to save the world, but save it for the summer, or winter break, when a nice little trip to the Sub Sahara will be a nice relief from the snow.
Two Ton Tammy
This is the time you will definitely regret not sticking to your New Year’s resolution of toning up. Sure we can all hide our muffin tops and saddlebags under the layers of winter clothing. But, come spring break, you’ll wish you had hit the gym before you butter your ass trying to get into that teeny bikini.
Unless you want to be forever connected to the local guy who rented you that Jet Ski and gave you syphilis, or that hot bartender at the Copacabana who is having your spring break love child, then you’d be better off keeping it in your pants. Or at least wrap it up, like 5 times.
If you can’t replace it, and can’t bear to live without it, don’t bring it on spring break. You’re probably sharing a room with several others because let’s face it, you figured you wouldn’t be sleeping much anyways. God knows who will be coming in and out of your room and with all that you’ve been guzzling down at the tiki bar who can remember their ID? Now did you leave your camera by the pool and your grandmother’s heirloom necklace…yeah you’re gonna regret bringing it for sure.
The Spring Break that Never Was
Spring break goes hand in hand with binge drinking, but going overboard will leave you with a killer hangover and a load of regret. You came to make memories, not black out for 5 days. You can do that back at home where snow still falls and your boss is a prick. Plus it’s never fun to see all the fun you had through the pictures and stories afterward. I bet you forgot you even got that tattoo didn’t you? Better check your backside.