I’m gonna get skinny! I’m gonna stop smoking! I’m gonna stop drinking! I’m gonna stop doing drugs in a dark alley! I’m gonna stop wearing women’s underwear! I’m gonna stop murdering my boyfriends and throwing them off the Key Bridge!
Ok ok maybe we took it to the extreme there. But, every New Year has a way of creeping up on us bringing with it the inevitable question – what’s your New Year’s resolution?
Sure everyone’s got a little blubber somewhere- even you, you roided out chicken breast, protein shake, and egg white meathead. Let me get in there and have a good squeezing and find your weak spot. Yeah I see you in the club; I don’t think vodka is part of the regime, but who are we to judge?
As you may scramble to come up with an appropriate answer that you can lie to others and yourself about, why not make this year’s resolution to NOT make a resolution, or at least not a typical one, and use our help as your guide. Like a metaphorical north star guiding you into 2014.
We’re just saying instead of the old tired out resolution, you know will maybe last until Super bowl weekend, make this year’s promise the special kind that you should have no trouble keeping. When your friends and family choke on their champagne as you proudly pronounce your ‘new’ New Year’s resolution, you can just site this highly reputable source from Panorama Productions your genius self found on the Internet, because, you know if it’s on the Internet, it’s true.
And just remember, there’s an 80% failure rate on resolutions, and four out of five people who make New Year’s resolutions will break them. In fact, only one-third won’t even make it to the end of January. But, since we are supplying you with some fail-safe new promises, we expect that failure rate to flip flop into a 20% failure rate.
Pressure is on!
And for those of you overachievers, feel free to pick several on this list, extra credit will come, and we know how you nerds love your extra credit!
1. Ban Justin Bieber!
Is this f*ck-tard still breathing? Ugh, ‘Merry Christmas’- bah humbug! We will not plug the name of the second installment that camp Bieber shat on the world this holiday season (coming to a theater near…everyone), but enough is enough! How is he still around? Just like Miley and before her Brit Brit, went mentally insane and starting acting like whores; J Biebs is the male form. How are moms and pops allowing this wigger to get their teenage girls all pre hormonal? I think there are better role models in Death Metal these days. And, remember you too can smell like a teenage whore with the JB perfume line, which is marketed as the scent of ‘Justin Bieber’s girlfriends’ – dirty philanderer, girlfriends? So, let’s all unite before he kills someone with his reckless driving, excessive pot smoking, and MOSTLY his AWFUL music.
2. Succumb Totally to EDM
Hip-hop, just…. give up already. It’s not working for you or anyone else. EDM has taken over every club and festival, and even broken into major awards shows- see- ’10 Reasons Why Hip-Hop is Dead’.
Cha-ching! EDM brings happy, glow stick toting, free spirit wheeling masses out of every corner of the World. It’s like the hippy movement of the 60s and 70s all over again except this time girls shave their armpits and wear bras, some of them anyway. But, in a time of recession and war and typical BS, who wants to listen to anything that will bring you down? Get with it, before a hoard of ravers plow you over as they run through the gates of the Electric Daisy Festival.
3. Go Anorexic- It’s All the Rage!
Now here’s one that will make them shut up! Haven’t we all heard enough of likely the most popular New Year’s resolution that ever was? ‘I want to lose weight.’ Great you fat slob American, tell us something we can’t already assess with our own eyes. So, as to not blow people’s mind entirely, tell them you want to be anorexic. What? Your life’s dream is to forever suppress food and dip under 100 pounds this year. This will keep your nosey no good family and friends from ever commenting about your saddlebags or muffin top ever again. And you know, you can always drop a few dancing with your friends at Echostage or Ultrabar. Or having sex, we hear that works too.
But let’s not forget the ultra skinny. Tired of hearing the opposite? ‘Someone needs to feed you a burger’! B*tch! Tell them your New Years resolution is to gain enough weight to qualify for gastric bypass just like Al Roker, or get a reality television spot on ‘The Biggest Loser’. That outta do it!
4. Stop Stealing Art
With all the free ways to get music and movies these days, we are not saying to stop. But if you want to music and entertainment to live long and prosper, it won’t kill you to buy one track online or one movie. File sharing is really not too far off ‘making a mix tape’ for your friends back in the day, you know before you may have been born, the early 90s…
So, let’s all hold hands in solidarity and at least attempt to support our favorite artists. Of course that can also be done by attending our killer Club Glow fall line up at Echostage and Ultrabar, just saying…
5. Drink More Liquids
Eight glasses a day so they say! Sure well, eight glasses of water in the gullet should be enough of a barrier for those eight drinks you’ll be plowing through on New Year’s Eve. That’s all about that, you know how to count.
6. Get Down with Selfies
Nothing like an obnoxious ‘selfie’ to ring in the New Year! To bump it up a notch be sure to over post it on all that social media has to offer, you know- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, even Google Plus (do people really use this?), hell throw it up on Linked and forever cement the fact that nobody will ever hire you for a ‘real job’! Don’t forget the #’s.
7. Go Back to School to Avoid Paying Student Loans
Clever clever! Nothing sucks more than defaulting on a loan. Well maybe some things, like a head on collision, no you can likely collect some good insurance or medical leave on that one. Well, like, catching your boyfriend with your mom? But you didn’t really like him anyway. After all, he listened to hip-hop and nothing is worse than being stuck in traffic with someone who listens to that garbage. Well let’s just say it’s bad, so here’s a great tool the master of procrastination. It often gets a bad rap. Get the parents to sign off on your newfound quest for an even higher education and get going with grad school. If nothing else it’ll give you time to look for a job while you fail out and can at least afford your old student loans that crept up on you like a shark in a tank of blood. Yeah real subtle Sally Mae.
8. Don’t Let Facebook Melt Your Brain
If the first thing you do when you turn on your computer is check Facebook, or the ONLY thing you turn your computer on for is Facebook, or even social media all together, then, get your sh*t together. First off, if you have a real job, your boss is probably checking up on your computer activity and that’s means you’ll probably be unemployed. That’s not a good way to start off the New Year. Enjoy your little friend, maybe he’s the only friend you have, but branch out. There’s more to a computer than sitting on Facebook and playing Farmville.
9. Stop Watching American Idol
It’s not American Idol. No it’s American Idol, The Voice, the X-Factor, and The Sing-Off, ughhhh it’s all the same. What ever happened to real musicians and artists? What happened to a bunch of smelly kids gathering in their parent’s garage and banging out some, key word- ORGINAL material? All is going to be lost if all we keep getting is covers of the same old garbage. It’s sad to think a whole generation will think that’s the only way to become a musician, by these over hyped, fake talent contests. I blame Ed McMahon and Star Search from the 80s…maybe that was his way of giving back the horrible trend he started with television talent shows in starting the Publisher’s Clearing House. I’m still awaiting my gaggle of balloons and oversized check.
10. Lose the Cell Phone
NOTHING is more annoying than going out and being virtually ignored by your posse using their phones and giving up on human interaction all together. Watch this video- ‘I Forgot My Phone’.
We get it, the wave of the future, social media; hell we encourage it, but when you are out with your actual human friends, in person, like face to face, PAY ATTENTION TO THEM!!!. Put your damn phone in your purse or your pocket and pay attention to the actual real world that still exists all around you. No candy crush or tweet or Facebook connection will be as good as your pals. Unless of course they are A-holes, but then you shouldn’t be with them anyway and you’d better go find some new 3D friends to play with.