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The Ugliest Swimwear Ever

The Ugliest Swimwear Ever

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Post Date: July 07, 2012

The Summer’s Ugliest Swimwear
Summer is here and one the most heinous crimes you can commit is trolling DC’s summer pool parties or nearby beaches wearing an ugly bathing suit. Stuffing yourself in a too teeny weeny bikini, looking like a doily, accentuating your muffin top…
We’ve exposed the worst of the worst.

Size Matters

Muffin Top

Don’t borrow your kid’s suit!

I’m not busting on the size of the person, there is nothing wrong with being big and beautiful or a skinny bitch, but make sure your suit fits your body.

Squeezing into a bikini that’s too small, no matter what size you are, gives some serious muffin top.

The tight elastic waistbands meant to keep your bottoms on while you hit the surf also increase that muffin top. Nothing is more vulgar than a top that covers less than a band aid. Look for retailers who sell the top and bottom separately.

Try Victoria’s Secret, J Crew, Pac Sun, Roxy, or even Target where you can buy a top in a small and a bottom in a large or vice versa based on your shape.


For them yes. For you no.

Try to remember this is not Sports Illustrated or a runway.

Giselle and the model brigade can work swimsuits with intricate cutouts that look like Edward Scissorhands had his way with a one piece. But these suits never look how they should on the everyday girl.

Not only are they complicated to get on; they leave you with awkward tan lines.

Might as well go to a nude beach!

Unless you are planning on never getting in the water, white swim suits are always see through.

Forget the lining, it might keep the sand off your crotch, but you’ll have every teenage boy and creepy old man lurking at you as you leave the water.

If you are planning on staying on dry land, make sure you have some color before debuting your white suit.

White is flattering, but not if you can’t tell where the suit begins and the skin ends.
Bejeweled and Bedazzled and Be-GROSS

Ugly Bathing Suit

Put down the be dazzler!

Anything with tassels or fringe makes you look like you’re sitting down to dinner with the Pilgrims.

Why all this adornment? Beads and fake bejeweled numbers won’t last through that first dip in the pool. Half of them will fall off before you can make it to the boardwalk.

Keep it simple or you’ll find yourself re-gluing fake crystals on your bandeau top instead of enjoying your summer vacation.

Metallic and Denim

Denim bathing suit

Baked Potato?

Metallic suits make you look like a baked potato ready for the grill. They also attract harmful rays.

Unless you want to be a spud with cancer cells sprouting below, stick to basic swimwear.

Another fail is denim swimwear. Save the denim for the rodeo or everyday outerwear, it doesn’t belong at the beach.

Heels and swimwear

It’s not a Hooter’s bikini contest!

Stiletto vs. Swimwear

You’ve all seen it at a pool party. In walks the girl with a face full of makeup a bikini and a pair of stiletto heals better suited for the club.

First of all, it’s dangerous. One slip and you just cracked your head. Not to mention made yourself look like an idiot.

Plus, it makes you look like a stripper. Stick to a nice pair of sandals or wedges.


Bikini Sag

Bottom butt and skin sag!

Nothing’s more gross than seeing someone with a saggy bottom. It looks like a pound of sand is dragging your backside down.

Chlorine and the sun do major damage on the color, elasticity, and form of a swimsuit.

To prolong the life of your suit, wash it in cold water after each use. If you must, use a mild liquid detergent, but never put it in the washing machine. That will help keep your suit alive for a longer period of time, though your suit won’t last forever.

Know when to toss it and hit the stores for a new one.


Gentlemen, you are not exempt!


Men in Speedo

Say no to the banana hammock!

Guys typically have it easy when it comes to swimwear, but there are some serious no nos.

Nobody except Michael Phelps should be wearing a Speedo. I don’t care what country you are from, it’s just gross.

It’s not ironic and it’s not funny. It’s a banana hammock and meant for competitive swimmers only.

Swim Trunks

Soggy underwear under there!

If you’re ghetto then you’re probably wearing a pair of boxers and basketball shorts.

You probably think you have some big junk down there that needs support, which is BS. Stop it!

Male bathing suits have lining, you don’t need to double team. If you do, make sure it’s not exposed; it makes you look like you just robbed a liquor store.


Long Swim Trunks

Too long is not good when it comes to trunks!

Lastly, get an average length.

Super short bathing suit bottoms are gross not sexy. This isn’t a Mr. Universe competition.

Super long trunks look ridiculous, they look like you are wearing clam diggers.