What Not to Buy Your Wife or Girlfriend for V-Day
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz • @getWITZit

It’s the worst day of the year for single ladies everywhere. Beyonce, where you at?? For the not so single ladies, February 14th isn’t so bad. It’s a day to share with your loved one and blah blah blah.

It’s also a day for presents. And who doesn’t love those?!

Gifts are great! They make the world go round and put a smile on our faces. Want to end your relationship? You can use any of these techniques or simply get her one of these:

1. Vacuum

Talk about SEXIST. Not only would we much rather something else, actually anything else, but it’s also a slap in the face. Not to mention, I’m sure you’re educated in vacuum brands and would pick out the perfect one. Sense my sarcasm? I’d rather pick out my own slave labor materials, thank you.

2. Lingerie

Sounds fine, doesn’t it? Let me explain. Lingerie on Valentine’s Day is given to women so their men friends can get them in a sexual mood. However, how much of this is really in it for us ladies? The answer to that is nothing. This gift is given for a man to please himself.

3. Plastic rose.

At least spend like a dollar extra for a real one, or a different type of flower. Come on, think with your brain.

4. Treadmill.

Seriously, there is no better or clearer way to tell your girl she’s fat than slapping her in the face with a nice piece of exercise equipment.

5. Electric razor.

Am I hairy or something?

6. An E-card.

Thanks for the thought, I guess? I get we’re a technology-driven generation, but a nice handwritten note may be just a tad sweeter. Just a thought.

7. A snuggie.

Hey, I’m all for comfort and warmth. This gift just really says nothing about how you feel about me. Instead it says, “I want you to look like an idiot and wear a fleece dress while you watch TV. Enjoy!”

8. Nothing.

Need I say more? Even a jelly bean would suffice over nothing.

9. A break-up.

So I can’t really think of anything worse than getting broken up with on Valentine’s Day. So, yeah.

10. Your Dick in a Box

Your response to these gifts may be, “OMG, you shouldn’t have!” But, like, seriously, you shouldn’t have.