The Metro

The worst. The actual worst. Metro is the Comcast of public transportation. And we’re not simply talking about Metro service – fellow riders can be total nightmares. Forget about the inexplicable and unending single-tracking or the disconcerting sparking along the tracks, half the time it’s running late because some asshats decided they could fit onto a full car and won’t let the door close. You can’t wait 60 seconds for the next train that’s waiting because you can’t wait 60 seconds? And do NOT get us started on the guy who finds it okay to loudly serenade us with the unidentifiable music in his headphones.

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THE METRO

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MAN. This isn’t solely about the riders. Don’t forget that you are awful all on your own.

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495

How. HOW is there always SO MUCH traffic? Outer or inner loops: if you know you need to get on 495 between the hours of 5am and 11pm, plan to leave at least an hour earlier than you would normally plan to if you want to have any chance of getting where you’re going on time. The DMV does not know how to drive, much less deal with other vehicles on the road in mass quantities. Is it any wonder we beat LA this year on the “Worst Traffic in America” list? Welcome to DC, where turn signals aren’t common courtesy, but tactical error. Forget working as a team to get where you’re going, on the road it’s every man for himself. LOOK OUT EVERYBODY ELSE.

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Any main street downtown

K Street, H Street, and 16th Street. And any state. And all the roundabouts. Actually, no matter where you go they’re bad. Maybe a few of the side streets are okay, but I won’t ruin it for the smart drivers who figured out the back roads by blabbing where the clear routes are. Those people have earned their few minutes of trafficless morning driving. Otherwise, you’re stuck on the terrible main streets that are always jam-packed with aggressive buses (oh hi METRO), delivery trucks (how do they fit anywhere?), and overzealous cab drivers (NO I DON’T WANT A RIDE STOP FOLLOWING ME AND DRIVE). And they’re all under construction. Speaking of which…

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24/7 Construction

Does it ever stop? (Spoiler: it doesn’t.) If one job is done, another immediately pops up just down the street. It’s also never the pothole you blew your tire on last week, it’s perfectly fine stretch of road ahead that apparently needs some texture. And it’s never being worked on during lunch or off hours in the middle of the night, it’s only ever being worked on (by one guy, the other seven are just watching) during prime traffic times. Because why have all lanes open during rush hour?

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Unpredictable weather

“Hey there’s some unexpected drops on the windshield! Is it from the guy cleaning the sidewalk or is it a torrential downpour about to occur RIGHT NOW?? Either way, let’s all slam on our brakes, swerve, and miss the next light!” CHILL OUT. People around here forget that cars were built to withstand the harsh assault of a light rain shower. And flurries? Forget it. Just stay home. Not because it’s hard weather to drive through, but because it’s hard to drive through it with other people on the road. Basically, precipitation of any kind is DC’s kryptonite. It also makes it difficult to plan on whether or not to bring a jacket or umbrella. Will it be 80 degrees today or are we due for a few feet of snow? Bring it all. And carry it with you all day.

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Crosswalks

These are supposed to make crossing the street easier, but you know what would really make things easier on everyone? Using one to actually cross the street. Understandably, they are rarely if ever timed right and you always end up stuck in the middle of a weird intersection, but still. DC commuters on their way to work throw all caution to the wind when they believe their schedule takes precedence over everyone else’s. Like the guy in the $4,000 suit is going to stop for an oncoming car – COME ON.

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Pedestrians (when you’re in a car)

Completely crazy. Did they not see a CAR coming at them?

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Cars (when you’re a pedestrian)

Total assholes. Don’t they see I’m WALKING here?

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Bikes

Are you going to take the street or the sidewalk? Either way, you’re going to mess up car traffic because you’re too slow or screw with the pedestrians because you’re too fast. We love the idea behind Capital Bikeshare, but if you decide to ride one make sure you remember how to ride one. Also, cars: give these guys a break. You know you’re just jealous they can off-road it when traffic gets too heavy.

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