The Angry Superfan

Football is to Thanksgiving as stuffing is to turkey – you can’t really have one without the other. But not everyone is always cheering for the same team, and not everyone’s team is doing the most stellar job. Sometimes your dinner has that one football fanatic (probably showed up in their team’s jersey over their dinner clothes, is glued to the tv for the better part of the day/night) who is taking the game(s) to unnecessarily serious levels. Does their team win? Great! Did they lose? Just leave their plate within arm’s reach and back away slowly.

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Meeting the New Bae

This poor soul showed up because either (a) they have real love for their significant other or (b) they’re in deep shit and trying to make up for it by spending time with the other’s family. Regardless, it makes for some uncomfortable conversation. “Remember the time you did something really embarrassing that would definitely be too much for a new significant other to hear? Well HERE IT IS IN DETAIL.” Note: if it’s you who brought this person and they make it through the whole ordeal and still want to hang out with you, you’ve found a keeper.

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The Black Friday Exit

We get it, Black Friday is where you can find the sale of a lifetime on all the things you want to get for everyone for the holidays. But is it really worth it to leave Thanksgiving dinner early to spend all night shoulder checking other savvy shoppers for that blender? Yes. Yes it is. At least they think it is. And you should just let it happen, because if you try to stop them they will just mow you down trying to get through the door – it’s a technique they’ve been utilizing and perfecting for years and it doesn’t just work on other consumers in front of Wal-Mart. The football fan may or may not be slightly jealous/impressed/critical of their skill.

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Burned Food

It happens. But don’t say anything. Burned food occurs because someone has been slaving away in the kitchen all day to provide you with a perfect meal, hoping for nothing but you to enjoy yourself and be thankful you have a meal to eat, and one (or more) of the dishes slipped away from their attention. Appreciate it anyway. It may taste and look like a pile of used charcoal briquettes, but dammit it’s made with love. Photo courtesy of theaccidentalcook

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Bad Food

“Oh, it’s DELICIOUS!” <covertly spits food into napkin when no one is looking> <gives rest to the dog> <dog spits it out> This guest was SO excited to have an opportunity to contribute to the meal that they made you forget their cooking skills and pallet are about as highly developed as the four-year-old cousin who enjoys eating the blue play-doh pizzas they pump out of a plastic tube. Again, be polite. And be thankful they like your miserable ass enough to spend time making you something. The taste of Karen’s “casserole” will eventually fade, but the love that went into making it won’t.

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The drunk

It’s all fun and games until they get honest. This person was probably the first one to sneak you drinks when you were 14 and now steals them all back. They’ll eat a play-doh pizza and be passed out on the couch by 7. Photo courtesy of Dana Edelson, NBC

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Rando Guest

“Carl? Do we know a Carl? It’s too busy in this kitchen, just grab a plate.”

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Deep Fryer: 1, Chef: 0

A deep fried turkey is probably one of the most delicious cooked turkeys you can have for Thanksgiving dinner. Just PLEASE make sure you know what you’re doing. Nothing puts a damper on dinner more than Ernie burning his eyebrows off before he can express his surprise at how amazing a deep fried bird tastes.

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The Aggressive Pet

It’s one thing if the host’s pet is a little antsy around a lot of people, they can just put them in a back room or in their cage for a little. But when someone insists on bringing their animal pal to dinner and it can’t control its carnal appetite for shoes and legs we have a problem. Calm it down with a chew toy or scratching post or something. And if that doesn’t work, just feed it some of Karen’s food.

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Old Photo Album

Remember that time we mentioned how much of a test this is for that new love of yours? Well, this is the final boss. If they can sit through an album of your third grade play, your bare bathing ass, and your eighth grade kewl frosted tips a la N*Sync and still look at you without bursting into laughter-induced tears: KEEPER.

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“How’s Life?”

UUUUUUUGGGHHHHH. Unending questions about how you’re doing are really about how you’re doing. Are you going to be successful like your CEO-rockstar-wunderkind cousin who rolled up in a new Mercedes, or a screw-up like Ernie over there with no eyebrows? NO, I do not know what I want to do with my life just yet and I’m okay with that. NO, I do not want to meet your friend’s cousin’s nephew who bags groceries down the street – I’m sure they are as great as you say. And, NO, I’d rather not talk about that time I peed my pants in fifth grade. Now pass the booze.

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