How to Refuse Giving Up Your Phone Number
Mastering the Art of Rejection
We’ve all seen this situation before: average Joe walks into a DC Club and tries hitting on a girl. He wants to get her number and likely in her pants. Except she is not interested and doesn’t even give him the time of day.
So how exactly do you get rid of an unwanted guy without being a total b*tch?
This guide has all the answers and best excuses!
Boyfriend
Probably the easiest excuse of them all, yet also very easy to forget.
Don’t have a boyfriend? No problem! Most losers will get the point.
Pregnant
If a guy doesn’t run for the hills after you drop this bomb, he’s gross.
Nothing is creepier than a guy with a fetish for pregnant women.
Pregnant is not sexy. If fat, swollen, and bitchy turns a guy on, he’s even more disgusting than you first thought.
Transvestite
To each his own!
It’s just that most guys will tuck their tails and run away if you suggest you’re packing a bigger member down there than they are.
AIDS (or any communicable disease)
The ONLY way this could possibly backfire is if he also shares the virus. In this case, then you’d ultimately be passing it back and forth.
In most cases this one is a go!
Then again… DC does have the highest HIV/AIDS rates amongst U.S. cities.
Fake Call App
There is a fake call application available for download on most SmartPhones.
This app allows users to select a time in the immediate future to have your phone ring.
Simply open the app as the undesirable approaches; your phone will ring, allowing you to make a flawless exit.
Deaf
No response is sometimes the best way out.
Being deaf is like having a super power. You have your own secret language and rarely have to deal with harassing douches.
Plus, you can “accidentally” slap approachers as attempt sign language.
Gay
This one may turn on a select few, and that’s ok.
However, if you say your dyke-lesbian of a shemale partner is draining her lady lizard in the bathroom and will be back momentarily to beat your poacher’s ass, he will most likely make an early exit.
Escaped from the insane asylum
They say crazy attracts crazy, however it has its limits!
A reference to the insane asylum or your “crazy pills” should do the trick.
Underage and Your Dad is a Police Officer
Nothing kills the mood like statutory rape, especially when her daddy’s a po-po.
A cop-dropper is guaranteed to have stalkers running in the opposite direction.
Then again, he might just think you have a thing for handcuffs and nightsticks!
A Compulsive Hoarder
Few things are scarier than a compulsive hoarder.
If you have not fallen prey to Hoarders on A&E, you’re lucky. Not only are these pigs hoarding anything from dead cats to doll heads… they also seem to be hoarding things on their own bodies, like fat, moles and hair!
If the dude doesn’t run away with this excuse, you can look forward to a very happy life of collecting useless junk together.
Ten Embarrassingly Popular Photo Poses
Say ‘Goodbye Dignity’ & ‘Cheese’ for the Camera!
Scroll through any DC Nightlife photo album and you’re guaranteed to encounter the Zoolanders, wanna-be Paris Hiltons, and a plethora of fish faced, doggy-style, peace-loving teapots highlighted in this guide.
Is it the alcohol? A false sense of self? Who cares: it’s entertaining!
The Duck Face
Also commonly called the “fish face.” Pucker up and show off those meaty DSL’s!
Strike this pose and it looks like you went down on an exhaust pipe. Seriously, you’re not Angelina Jolie.
The Girl on Girl
Now is your chance to how the world how much you love your gal pals!
Maybe it’s a hug or a kiss. Or even a game of ‘hide the imaginary sausage!’
The Hippie
Dying for world peace? Turning Japanese? On your way to dig wells in Nigeria or adopt a Russian orphan? Probably not.
Two more vodka tonics and you’ll be screaming at your boyfriend for looking at another girl before dragging that b*tch to a back alley and throwing up in the dumpster yourself. So much for peace!
You know who else flashes the peace sign?
These tools!
The Double Kiss
The male dream: “Here comes the camera guy. Quick, both of you hotties kiss me on the cheek!”
The male reality: “I’ll buy you girls a drink if you take a picture with me for my Facebook page!”
The Blow Me a Kiss
Yep, you also just blew one to that fat, old pervert who’s trolling the internet for young girls.
With the help of a little lotion, he will think you blew him a lot more than just a kiss!
The Gratuitous Boob Shot
Have you see my fun bags? That’s right: I get free entry AND drinks at clubs thanks to these puppies!
The Teapot
Arm on hip: check. Push butt back: check. Pretend I’m Paris Hilton: check.
After-hours fling in the trailer park: absolutely.
The Rear View
Slowly crane your neck and pretend you’re elegant. Put your best foot forward and pop that ass!
Very popular pose for hiding a blemish or if you’re Harvey Dent.
The Zoolander
“I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
And I plan on finding out what that is.”
These puckered-up mug shots MUST be intentional, unless you dig the ‘I just sucked a lemon’ face!
The Rockette
The bastard child of the teapot. Settle down, Charlie Horse!
Are you modeling a new line of Dr. Scholl’s or waiting to burp a baby on your knee?
DC Guide to an Alternative Spring Break
DC Nightlife Guide to an Alternative Spring Break
Every year students from Georgetown to San Diego do the spring break thing in Panama City, Cancun, Jamaica and beyond.
But if ya can’t make it to Cabo, don’t wanna build cribs w/ Habitat for Humanity, or just want to do your own thing; we found some nice alternatives.
Explore DC
Live in DC and never been to a single museum or monument? Huh? The White House is in DC?
Now’s a great time to see why tourists come here: The Smithsonian has 19 museums + The National Zoo, there’s all those monuments, galleries, The White House and more.
Springtime in DC also means the National Cherry Blossom Festival from March 20 – April 27!
Boats
The water may be a little funky, but boats are a great springtime activity. The Georgetown waterfront on a sunny day always poppin’.
No boat? No problem! If you’re a girl, all it takes is a skanky outfit. If you’re a dude, try supplying the beverages.
Grab a crew and book your own booze cruise. Local “cruise lines” like the Odyssey or the Sprit of Washington offer a cruise feel, albeit a loose comparison. Your imagine is key on this one.
Cruises also depart from Baltimore and you can set sail to the Bahamas, Bermuda or the Caribbean. You can always save money leaving from Baltimore rather than flying to Florida.
Spring Adrenaline Rush
Release your anger from classes and pain in the ass teachers with a game of paintball. Check out Outdoor Adventures Paintball Sports in Bowie, MD or Pev’s Paintball in Fairfax, VA.
Shoot some real guns. Bad ass sh*t right here. Try places like NRA Shooting Range in Fairfax VA or the Maryland Small Arms Range in Upper Marlboro, MD.
Get strapped to a stranger and jump out of a plane. There’s lots of skydiving locations like Skydive Orange in Orange, VA, or Skydive Washington in DC.
Groupon and Living Social have good deals too.
WMC DC Style
No need to book an overpriced flight & hotel for Winter Music Conference or Ultra Fest. Have your own house music binge here in Washington DC.
The best DJs in the world are constant figures in DC club life. There’s 2 dates with Tiesto March 26 & 27 at Josephine and Fur Nightclub , Dada Life on March 31, Alesso at the outdoor Dayglow event at RFK Stadium and tons more.
Glow features 3 parties/week with the world’s best.
White Trash Spring Break
Pick a sunny day. Grab a group of friends, a kiddie pool, sand from Home Depot, and some blow up palm trees. Make some frozen drinks “pool side”, and cue the Bob Marley.
You can even go all MTV Spring Break 2012 and create your own knock-off games just like the ones they humiliate annihilated spring breakers with. You know the ones, like seeing which male/female team can trade clothes the fastest, or exposing your dirtiest stories in truth or dare fashion.
Hangover Helpers – the Best and Worst
Hangover Helpers
The Guide to What Works and What is a Myth
They say “death” and “taxes” are the only things that nobody escapes. But since you are reading our Guide to DC Nightlife, the odds are you’ve dealt with a throbbing hangover at least once in your life.
Here are a few “morning after” aids that may provide some relief and keep you coming back those darned DC Clubs after all.
THE GOOD
Hydrate
Basically, a hangover is a side effect of being dehydrated.
Wish you didn’t drink so many Long Islands last night?
To help clear out the toxins, it’s always a good idea to drink plenty of water before, during and after imbibing of your favorite spirit.
Late Night Eats
A good meal can do wonders, particularly if you have it while drinking. But there’s still hope the next morning.
Eggs contain amino acids, which in theory could help the liver breakdown the toxins from the previous night’s abuse.
Check out our Guide to The Best Late Night Food in DC.
Coconut Water and/or Bananas
When you get dehydrated, you lose not only water but also electrolytes, including potassium. Too little potassium can lead to cramps, fatigue, nausea, dizziness and heart palpitations.
Both of these foods are loaded with potassium and putting nutrients back into your system can provide quick relief.
Tea with Honey and Ginger
Ginger is a natural nausea fighter and honey contains fructose, which helps alcohol get broken down faster.
The trio is also overflowing with antioxidants, which can guard against some of the inflammation and damage, especially to your brain or what little of it you have left after partying hard!
Sex
Nobody will fight about this one.
“There is no research that shows that sex will make a hangover go away, but maybe it will make the time go faster,” says Joris C. Verster, Ph.D., assistant professor at Utrecht University in the Netherlands.
But if it makes you happy, go for it.
Sleep
Sleep is the best cure, but unless it’s Sunday or your unemployed, this could be a luxury.
No matter what you try, hangovers can only be avoided by not drinking a lot — well, at least until scientists get their act together and create a hangover pill.
Exercise
Who wants to get off the couch and exercise while you feel like you are on your deathbed?
Regardless, exercise can release endorphins. Just make sure to stay hydrated before getting on that stairmaster or you may be near your real deathbed in the blink of an eye.
THE BAD
Hair of the Dog
This one is pretty much bullsh*t, but it does help.
Drinking a little more alcohol in the morning — be it a bloody Mary or otherwise — might provide the mild numbing effect to ease you back.
Ultimately you’re just prolonging your misery.
Anything with “Hangover” in the Name
If it says it cures hangovers, it doesn’t cure hangovers.
The best part of these pills and powders is the water you’re drinking to chase them down. Some products recommend a full glass with each dose.
The more water the better. Yet none of these potions are more effective than a multivitamin, which itself is only marginally useful.
Headache Pills
Since your liver just took a beating like Rodney King, adding acetaminophen to the mix is like kicking someone when they are down. Acetaminophen is by far the most common cause of liver failure in the United States. When combined with alcohol, it can be deadly.
Instead, try Tiger Balm — a popular topical blended from camphor, menthol, cajuput oil and clove oil that’s known for its analgesic and blood flow promoting properties.
Aspirin can be helpful before sleep and upon rising with plenty of water, but only in moderation.
Coffee
Congratulations!
You’re now awake and more intensely aware of your hangover symptoms and that’s about all.
Coffee is a diuretic, making you even more dehydrated and increasing the severity of the hangover. When the caffeine wears off, you will be even more tired.
Propranolol
Propranolol is beta-blocker drug for hypertension that also is commonly used to relieve hangover pain.
The bad news is that it doesn’t work, according to numerous studies. The good news is that you wasted your money on Propranolol instead of more booze.
THE UGLY
Haejangguk
In English, this Korean dish literally means “soup for the stomach.” Street vendors in Korea sell it out of carts, usually on weekend mornings.
The ingredients are enough to make weak stomachs vomit and include cow bones and cow’s blood, along with a collection of spices that would make most Westerners cringe.
Mustard Bath
They say soaking in mustard can cure a hangover, but we’re not advising you should spread it all over your body like a hot dog.
Health food stores sell a powder form or bath salts infused with the powder which can help suck the toxins out of your bloated body like a vacuum.
Soak in Wasabi
Treat your body like your favorite sushi!
As much as a third of toxic body waste is cleared through the skin. When infused into the bath, wasabi’s stimulating nature has been known to help ease a hangover.
Just make sure to wash off well after before trying the sex cure.
Yoga
Think of it like wringing your body out like a wet towel.
Perfect as a post-party liver purge, twisting yoga poses help to squeeze the alcohol out of the organs.
Pickle Juice
We are not suggesting you take a cue from Snooki, but the salt in the water helps you retain water.
For the severely dehydrated every little bit helps!
Hopefully you won’t turn into an oompa loompa.
Nightlife Slang
Nightclub Vocabulary
Much like another country with a foreign language, the nightlife scene has it’s own terminology. There is no Altavista or Webster’s Dictionary for this one, so you better brush up on your nightlife slang before heading out to the DC Clubs. Otherwise, you’ll be left in the cold like an redneck in Paris who just downed some rotten snails and has to use “la toilette!”
Beer Goggles
If ya go home with Brad Pitt and wake up with Chris Farley, ya probably had beer goggles on last night.
Uhh… that’s not a bathrobe you’re wearing brah… it’s actually her big ass panties. Betcha wish you hadn’t put on those goggles.
Booze Compass
It’s a gift. You can thank your higher power for this one.
No clue how ya got home, and judging from your bruised hip and sore throat, you probably don’t wanna know.
Beer Money
Really? It’s that hard to hang on to money that you had to get a piggy bank?
If you’re saving for like a 20-keg rager or 15 bottles on your b-day then OK. Otherwise grow up.
If you were really smart you’d have Cirrhosis Money, Attorney Money and Health Insurance for when your liver kicks, you get a DWI and end up in rehab.
Beer Muscles
Two kinds of beer muscles:
1) A few drinks down the hatch and all of a sudden some d-bag thinks he’s Steven Seagal, Jean Claude van Damme and Chuck Norris rolled into one.
2) When the guy who thinks he’s van Damme has super human strength from being so drunk and ends up on trial for involuntary manslaughter.
Everyone needs to relax.
Assed Out
There’s always someone at the pre-game who doesn’t make it to the bar/club.
Ever fall asleep at the bar/club and get kicked out. It sucks for everyone else… unless no one cares in which it cases it just sucks for you.
When it’s 6AM and the after-hours are barely hanging on, that’s when it’s time to ass out. Ya shoulda found someone to go home with…
Breaking the Seal
We’ll say this… women can hold it in for an awfully long time. Way longer than any guy. It’s impressive to be honest
Once they break the seal, however, it’ll be trips to bathroom every 5 minutes, all night long.
Pharrell wrote a song about it.
Buzz Kill
The asshole who ruins everyone’s night; usually because of their dumb ass drama, need to discuss politics and religion, or stick-up-their-ass opinion on what it means to have fun.
Examples include fights with one’s significant other, people who insist on telling ‘that’ story one more time, horrible music after you’ve just heard three of your favorite songs in a row, discovering that you’ve spent all of your money, tough guy meat heads and more.
The Dragon
Shout out to Big L!
When someone has bad breath next to you at the club and you cannot escape.
Considering dragons are mystical, fire-breathing creatures, the human equivalent is someone with bad breathe who’s burning other people’s nostril hairs. Hence the phrase, “that mawfucka caught the dragon.”
Club Rat
Someone who spends every night in the club, probably has a minimum wage job and a drug problem.
Drink Shrink
Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer unsolicited personal advice to anyone and everyone.
They will never shut up and always think they are right.
Hammered, Sh*t-faced, Tanked, Blitzed, Bombed, Wrecked, Smashed, Wasted
When you drank too much.
You can usually find these people being carried out by security
Jumping Strays
People who lurk around the club and steal unattended or abandoned drinks that some unsuspecting guest left at the bar.
As in, “I’m so broke I’ve been jumping strays all night.”
Last Call Lothario
Someone who’s shy until last call, at which point they’ll try to hook up with anything that has a pulse and/or alcohol at their home.
MDA – Mysterious Drinking Accident
When you wake up after a hard night of partying and look like you were in a boxing match.
Pre-Gaming
Doing the damn thing before you go out! Just don’t ass-out before it’s time to go the club.
What Does Your Drink Say About You?
What Message Does Your Drink Order Send?
What you drink says a lot. Whether you’re at clubs in DC or the local bar, what you’re holding says a lot about who you are and how you’re seen.
You could keep reading and avoid looking like a douche… Or you could say, “F*** it. I’m a grown man and I’ll drink my Pina Colada right here, in front of everyone!”
Amaretto Sour
You just turned 21, or you have a fake ID.
Jager Bombs
You’re out with the boys, looking to forget something, and probably will.
There’ll def be some fist pumping and high-fiving.
You’re a 22-year-old freshmen.
Vodka & Cranberry
BORING!
You probably approached the bartender like a deer in headlights asking, “what kind of drinks do you have here?” while looking at a fully stocked bar.
Long Island
You want to get as hammered as possible off one drink.
You probably won’t tip your bartender.
You’ll probably ask them to make it “a strong island”.
Old Fashioned
You probably throw around words like “mixology”.
Douche.
Cosmo
You were too young to catch Sex in the City the first time around and are now catching up on the reruns on TBS.
Straight Vodka
You probably have a drinking problem and at least one DUI.
Bud Light
You drove at least 30 minutes to get to this club from a town nobody’s heard of.
You may live in a trailer and possibly had a baby when you were in high school.
Tequila
You’re down to get hammered… or get the girl you want to sleep with hammered.
It’s the closest thing you can get to a roofie without getting arrested.
If you ask for it chilled then you’re a p*ssy too.
Kir Royal (Champagne and Chambord
You spend your days riding a pole for creepy businessmen at the strip club by the airport.
Probably the lunch shift.
Wine (without a meal)
You’re a middle-aged mom out on the town.
You’re trying to act ‘classy’ while snubbing those around you who are CLEARLY not as well-to-do as you.
Afterall, you shop at Ann Taylor.
White Zinfandel
The Kool-Aid of wine.
You probably have a box of white zin in your fridge you were pounding during your pre game.
You probably got sick of the box and decided to take the bag out and squeeze it in your mouth,
Beer (girls)
You think drinking beer makes you look like ‘one of the guys’, cool, and fun.
It worked. The guys think you’re one of them – a stank burping fool.
Hennessy, Hypnotiq
You let rap music influence your tastes; you wish you had a set of gold teeth.
You may wear like to wear Fubu, Timbs and sunglasses in the club.
You definitely just came from dinner at Applebee’s.
Jack (girls)
You look dirty
You may not have showered today.
You have a tramp stamp and want to look hard-core.
Bloody Mary
You had a rough night of drinking and will probably do it again tonight.
PBR
Hipster Alert!
You think you’re being ‘ironically’ funny by growing a moustache, wearing skinny jeans and rocking a floppy hat.
You either have no job or are a pretend DJ.
Captain & Coke
You are cocky, pop your collar and your parents pay your rent.
Sex on the Beach, Pina Colada, Apple Martini
Guys – You’re going home alone and probably have a tab at Red Lobster.
Girls – You can’t handle your liquor and will be puking these rainbow concoctions out in no time.
Martini
You’re trying to be sophisticated like James Bond.
You don’t really know what’s in it and how drunk you’re gonna get but man will you look sharp!
Kamikaze
Because this is the only shot you have ever heard of.
Grammy Slam
A Truly Tasteless Grammys Wrap Up
Amidst a sea of narcisism, the 2012 Grammy hopefuls dazzled, disgusted, and depressed the second highest Grammy viewing audience ever with 40 million viewers. Whitney Houston’s death helped boost the numbers, with fans seeking some Kumbaya after Houston’s departure late Saturday evening.
The stars in attendance were as random as the performances which included everyone from Tony Benet and The Beach Boys to David Guetta, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown and Taylor Swift.
Chris Brown
Chris Brown returned to the Grammys with his new single “Turn Up the Music” and dance smash “Beautiful People”.
It’s bad enough he and Rihanna were in the same room together, but the lip-synching we could have done without.
He later picked up the award for Best R&B Album for F.A.M.E., ‘beating’ out several more of R&B’s top stars.
Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj goes all sacrilegious and scary.
The Versace-caped Minaj arrived with her date, the Pope, then terrified the audience with her performance of her new song “Roman Holiday”.
First there was Lady Gaga, now pop diva wanna be’s like Minaj and Katey Perry try in desperation to outdo her egg arrival and crazy wardrobe.
“Take your medication, Roman/ Take a short vacation, Roman/ You’ll be OK,” she rapped. Do us all a favor and take a permanent vacation Minaj!
Katy Perry
Katy Perry Smurfed at the Grammys, with a matching blue hairstyle and light-blue, long-sleeved Elie Saab gown.
The blue hair did nothing to distract from her lip-syncing performance and left the audience wondering if the carpet matches the drapes?
At least touch up those roots!
Foo Fighters
The Foo Fighters brought back rock n’ roll performing their hit “Walk” and nabbing 5 Grammy’s.
Grohl reminded fans that his latest album, “Wasting Light” was recorded in his garage, then made some remarks that were clearly directed at pop artists who opt to auto tune rather than develop their musical talents.
“To me this award means a lot because it shows that the human element of music is what’s most important,” he said, as members of the audience began to applaud. “Singing into a microphone and learning to play an instrument and learning to do your craft, that’s the most important thing for people to do.”
Hint hint, Chris Brown, Katy Perry, Madonna, Britney Spears, you get the point…
Bruno Mars
“Tonight we celebrate the music of Whitney Houston. Get off your rich asses and let’s have some fun!” Bruno Mars demanded of the audience.
Isn’t part of being rich getting to sit on your rich ass and think about your piles of money?
Mars and his Hooligans performed “Runaway Baby” in matching black-and-gold tuxedos. Was that a “bump it” in his pompadour?
Rihanna
Rihanna, who took home the Grammy for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration for Kanye West’s “All of the Lights,” burned up the red carpet in a black Armani dress, which was reportedly inspired by Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.
The plunging dress is “simple, sexy, and gangsta at the same time,” explained Rihanna, who now sports an unconvincing blonde pile of hay on top of her head and looked skinnier than usual.
Wonder if her dad or brother ran into Chris Brown.
Lupe Fiasco
No date? Bring your mom!
That’s what Lupe Fiasco and J. Cole did for their double date stroll down the red carpet for their first Grammys.
I’m sure all Mr. Fiasco’s mother was thinking was, “Who is Lupe Fiasco? I gave birth to Wasalu Muhammad Jaco!”
Adele
Adele ran away with the most Grammy’s, taking home six.
No need for an overly choreographed computerized mess. Just a stool is all the songbird needs to prove she has the chops to stand up and defeat her peers.
The Brit performed “Rolling in the Deep,” which won Song of the Year.
She’d be the perfect coach on ‘The Voice.;
Whitney Houston
The shocking news of Whitney Houston’s death made headlines late Saturday, which left little time for the Grammy’s to prepare a tribute.
None the less, an emotional Jennifer Hudson belted out a powerful rendition of Whitney’s classic “I Will Always Love You,” to a tearful audience.
David Guetta
Representing dance music in the current pop landscape was a collaborative performance featuring David Guetta and Deadmau5.
The DJs were joined onstage by an eclectic mix of artists, including the Foo Fighters, skateboard toting rapper Lil’ Wayne, and Breezy.
Electronic music fans may cry “sell out” but pretty sure Guetta isn’t sorry he’s not playing at basement raves for free and eating Ramen noodles!
Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day
Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day
Scorned by your latest ex? Bitter that you’re single on Valentine’s Day? Wish you could chop off cupid’s fat baby face and rue the day Saint Valentine was born? Time to have some single lady fun on the sappiest day Hallmark ever invented. Suck it Valentine’s Day!
Sign up for Suggardaddy.com
Gotta love a guy with a bulge… in his pockets!
It’s like Match.com but instead of getting set up with desperadoes, you will set up on dates with guys who will buy you stuff!
Move over box of chocolates, hello diamonds and private jets.
Have a HATER Party
Play pin the tail on the donkey, only use a blown up picture of your ex boyfriend, and instead of tails, use a cutout of a switch blade.
Have a piñata made of your best friend’s ex’s big, stupid head and pound away.
Play spin-the-bottle with your girls (those boys will WISH they stuck around).
Pig Out
Buy a wedding cake and eat the whole thing with your gal pals…guilt free!
No man, no need to keep the weight off!
Skip Town
Nothing like walking past “our favorite coffee shop” (boo hoo), “the restaurant we had our first date” (wahhhhh!!!), “the DC Nightclub I saw him hooking up with that whore!” (grrrrrr)…
Take a day trip. Maybe the new scenery will bring a fresh outlook on your single life, or maybe you will meet your next man!
Max out Your CCs
Maybe not MAX out, but treat yourself to your own Valentine’s Day gift.
Guys never get what you really want anyway, so skip the disappointment and show yourself some love!
Lady Date
Go to a romantic restaurant with a girlfriend!
No need to sit in self-pity. Buy each other dinner, drink some champagne, and make fun of all the sappy couples around you who will probably be broken up before spring break.
Watch some Lesbian Porn
Been scorned by your latest ex? Maybe it’s time to do away with the weaker gender and dive, shall we say… head first into the other??!?!
Prank Calls
Catch up with some of your single ladies; compile a list of all the people you have slept with.
Call, email, or Facebook them and tell them you have just found out you have <enter favorite STD here> and you just wanted to let them know they should be tested.
Nothing like putting a damper on their Valentine’s Day by boosting your own!
Music is the answer!
Go to a concert or nightclub.
Nothing will get your mind off your singleness than losing yourself to the music and the crowd.
Who needs him when you are surrounded by thousands of your closest strangers and maybe snag a rockstar while you are at it.
Watch a REALLY depressing movie or TV show
Sometimes watching other people’s sad and pathetic lives makes our problems seem small in comparison.
Try watching “The Biggest Loser”, “Precious”, “Intervention”, “Elephant Man”, “Hoarders”, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”, need more, ok, “The Killing Fields”, “Sophie’s Choice”, “Requiem for a Dream”…You’ll be feeling better in no time!
Are you a single guy? Check out the “Single Guys Guide to Valentine’s Day”
Single Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day
You unsuccessfully texted all your ex-girlfriends and young ladies you met at Lima’s College Night. You failed to convince that cute girl in class or your sexy coworker that the two of you should get coffee. You took a yoga class out of desperation, but the woman in front of you didn’t magically slip and downwards-dog into your lap.
So you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day? No problem!
Instead of giving in to Hershey’s, Hallmark, and Kay Jewelers (praying her panties drop), spend Valentine’s Day doing the things you want to be doing: MAN things! After all, you still have 364 days in the year to get laid.
Watch Action Movies
Exploding helicopters, sick fight scenes, and endless machine gun clips!
We recommend the Die Hard and Lethal Weapon series. Or anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, and mediocre acting.
Drink Beer
No cosmopolitans. No appletinis. No cranberry vodkas. No Smirnoff Ices.
Just beer.
In the words of the great Homer (Simpson): “Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.”
Epic Meal Time
Sirloin steaks. Bacon strips. Fried chicken. Buckets of cheesy fries. Guacamole and nachos. Extra large pepperoni pizzas.
Everyone loves food, but let’s get real: she can’t eat more than you!
Build/Fix Something
Build a model airplane. Assemble that chair from Ikea. Paint your room. Unclog the toilet (especially if you just participated in Epic Kitchen Time).
If you’re not very handy, take a wood shop class!
Bungee Jump
Nothing gets the old adrenaline glands pumping quicker than plummeting hundreds of feet to the ground with little more than an elastic rope holding onto your ankles.
You’ll feel like you cheated death!
Play Rugby
Guaranteed to rattle your teeth, put grass and mud stains on your clothes, bruise your body, and make you feel tough.
After all, it’s a lot like football… except without the pads.
Shoot Guns
Nothing says “kiss kiss bang bang” louder than the BANG BANG of an assault rifle.
Make sure you know basic firearm safety before trying this one at home. Better yet, seek out a professional shooting range.
Drive Fast
Get out in the countryside and peg the meter!
Just watch out for Officer Dick and his radar gun: this joyride can land you serious points on your license or worse.
Go Camping
It might be February but nothing screams Man vs. Wild more than a night out under the stars with little more than a tent, sleeping bag, change of clothes, and can of baked beans.
Strip Club
These lovely ladies will work a sturdy pole and hop on your lap for about the same price you’d pay for Valentine’s Day gifts.
Best part is you hardly even have to talk with them!
Are you a single girl? Check out the “Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s Day”
The Girls Guide to Drink Hustling
The Girls Guide to Drink Hustling
It’s easy for girls to get free drinks in DC. Batting your eyes and hiking up your skirt is sometimes all it takes! But in a crowded club with competition, ya gotta get sneaky. If the welfare check never came, you’re broke, cheap, or just think you deserve it; following this guide will get you a few rounds on some sucker.
Just Remember: We never said anything about keeping your integrity intact. Nor do we necessarily recommend doing any of this. #justsayin
Sexual Currency
The Ye Old guide to prostitution, which is in fact the oldest profession-this kind of monetary substitution works in any type of situation.
Offering up your ass on a silver platter will ensure a night of free libations. This works with male staff and guests alike.
The best part is you don’t have to follow through. Just the promise of a good time is enough!
Leech
“I’ll get the next round” is a convenient line to use is this situation.
Leeching refers to the idea of benefiting, usually deliberately, from others’ effort but not offering anything in return.
Cozy up with a group of friends and make sure you benefit from their generosity. When one of your friends orders a round of shots, get into the middle of the group to ensure a shot glass is passed your direction!
Early On-Set Alzheimer’s
“Conveniently” forget your wallet at home– this move does not require any finesse.
Just pull the “sorry I forgot my wallet” line!
Order a shot, down it, then hit em with the line. Your friend will likely have to pull out his wallet, but you still scored a free one.
Be that Annoying Picky Girl
Drink half, then say it doesn’t taste right.
Pick a classic drink like a “vodka tonic” drink half, look at the glass funny, then tell the bartender you ordered a “vodka soda”.
A common mistake and a brilliant scheme you can parade through the club violating each bartender.
Good Old-Fashioned Thievery
Slink through the club, targeting the groups who obviously didn’t listen to the “Roofies” speech their mother’s gave about never leaving your drink unattended for fear of Uncle Festors date rape drive by.
While they are off fist pumping to Enrique, having left their drinks on the bar, select the tastiest one and run off with your prize!
Go Shorty; It’s Your Birthday!
Tell anyone who will listen that it’s your birthday.
That creepy old dude at the end of the bar- now it’s time to cash in! The bartender picking her nose- she’s bored enough to heed your shameless request.
The more you subject to your birthday blabber the less sober you get! The joy is it’s not really your birthday.
Bridal Party Drive By
You’ve all seen the obnoxious group of girls on ladies night with penis straws and a Miss America sash that exclaims “Bride”, a boa, and a crown spreading their pre marital bliss over the club like a disease.
No fiancé? No problem.
Buy a sash, grab your girls and make sure everyone knows you are a bride-to-be thus naturally deserving of a free shot!
Eavesdropping
Overhear someone else order, then put your next drink on their tab.
Find out the name that another customer is ordering the drink under.
Wait a few minutes, walk up to the bar and order a drink on your new best friends tab.
Creepers
Target the really drunk old man to buy your next drink.
Everyone recognizes the old barfly lurking around the club. He has a couple failed marriages, he is balding, and spends his days trolling the Internet for Russian mail order brides.
Saddle up, this is an easy one. These guys are like sitting ducks, bat your eyes, giggle like a schoolgirl and within minutes he’ll be your new bank account.
Garbage Lady
Drink most of the drink, and then insert a foreign object.
Nobody likes getting any kind of hair, insects or something other than alcohol and ice in their drink.
So down that long island, toss in foreign object and complain. Beer bottle caps, paper clips, a piece of glass, your ratty extensions, anything convenient works like a charm!
B.Y.O.B
This one takes some planning.
Hit up your local liquor store, and stock up on mini liquor bottles.
Order a your fav mixer and be your own bathroom bartender! You’ll get your party started and save a few bucks. Though this strategy can get you thrown out on your butt or turned away at the door.
Girl on Girl
Guys find some satisfaction in girls making out.
If you’re short on cash and moral fiber, make out with another chick!
Guys will cheer and holler like Cro Magnon man and you will benefit from more drinks than you can guzzle.
