The DC Clubbing Guide to being Sober in a Nightclub

Got stuck as the designated driver? Under 21? On probation from that DUI?

No matter what your situation, there’s no need to sit at home and sulk!
Actually, there’s some people out there who go to nightclubs and never drink at all.
Here’s a nonsense-filled guide to keep partying, even with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet!

Be on Drunk Watch!

Drunks are hilarious… until they cross the line into the violent vomit trenches.

See who can spot the drunkest person in the club. Make it a game. Tally up points:

1 point – Stumbling Drunk

2 points – Fighting Drunk

3 points – Vomiting Drunks

Pretend you are Drunk

If you can’t beat em, join ’em…kind of…

Act like you’re drunk yourself.

Your friends won’t know the difference and then you can just do stupid things with them without worrying about hangovers or getting arrested.

Be the Photographer

Document the night!

Drunks take horrible pictures that are always:

Fuzzy. Or someone’s chopped off your head. Or they get too close, resulting in an alien head. Or no flash

This could be a great gift for your friends if you like to sit alone and scrapbook like a Stepford Wife.

Fun with Blackmail

Step up your game and take pictures and videos like you’re a crazed paparazzi stalker!

The more inappropriate, the better. Make sure to catch all those embarrassing moments. Be on the lookout for:

Humping sessions, crazy dancing, fights, vomiting, and definitely handcuffing.

Then make sure to Tweet and Facebook or hold onto for future blackmailing!

Flirt with the Staff

Just because you are not drinking doesn’t mean you cannot buy that bartender or cocktail waitress a shot.

Remember, the staff deals with drunk freaks all night long.

It might be refreshing for them to interact with that rare beast in the DC nightlife scene: the sober guest!

Hook Up

Since you’re not a stumbling, babbling drunk fool, you will naturally have the upper hand after midnight.

Seek your prey and impress them with your non-slurred speech and alcohol free breath. Take advantage of that hot guy/girl!

See how much easier it can be when your Ax Body spray hasn’t been over powered by the smell of whiskey seeping from your pores.

Charge Drunk People for Rides Home

Now’s the time to put those entrepreneurial skills to use!

See someone drunkenly stumbling to his or her car? Ask if they need a ride home!

Then pray they aren’t a deranged serial killer. Carry some mace and make sure you get payment up front.

Charge slightly less than the taxi for your services. This will make you a few bucks while saving them from the smell of old Chinese food and listening to the latest Bollywood soundtrack on their way home.

Dance

Dance like nobody is watching, because they probably aren’t!

This one may seem obvious, but without the liquid courage, some may find it hard to get their groove on.

Just remember that nobody will remember what you looked like dancing after they black out. Just hide from the cameras if you’re self-conscious!

Be the Mole

Drunks can be an open book, blabbering on and on about nothing.

Use this to your advantage and steer them to talk about all the things they will never say sober.

Now is the time to find out all your friends’ dirty little secrets.

Or wear a disguise and find out who is cheating on who without them knowing who you are!

Charge Your Friends for Going to the Bar

Too busy dancing to waste time going to the bar?

OR

Too drunk to make it through the crowd to the bar?

Be the gofer and charge a service tax for bringing your lazy alcoholic friends their drinks.