The Most Awesome Celebrity Workout Tapes Ever
Summer is still in full effect and priority one in these steamy months is a hot body. But maybe you’re tired of the all the trendy workouts like Cross Fit, Pilates, Pure Barre, or grinding on that stripper pole. Why not go to a place where aerobics ruled, spandex was NOT ironic and neon was all the rage, not rave like it is today.
What’s this magical place? The 80’s and 90’s where celebrities from the D list to the A list all busted a move in their tightest thong workout unitards or matching track suits and turtlenecks so you could pop it in your VHS and sweat to the oldies (not just to Richard Simmons). This was a glorious era that reveled in the complete and total absence of irony. Hop aboard the locomotive as we count down the most totally rad celebrity workouts ever.
Cher
Mega star Cher is credited as bringing a sense of female autonomy and self-actualization into the entertainment industry, awesome jams like If I Could Turn Back Time, and I Got You Babe, and the often forgotten workout tape Body Confidence. You laugh, but Cher has had a rocking body for six going on seven decades, so I’m going to listen to this Diva. Afterall, she never had a fat phase like Britney, Christina and Jessica.
Mark Walberg
Sure he may be a Hollywood A-lister now, but back then, he was Marky Mark, he had his funky bunch, a third nipple, a Calvin Klein underwear campaign and a cheesy workout video to wrap it all up in one ripped package.
Paula Abdul
Get up and dance! It’s what the former Lakers cheerleader, dancer, and pop star demands from her fellow aerobicizers in this workout video. But where’s the Paula Abdul music in this workout? I want to grape vine right grape vine left to Cold Hearted Snake not the YMCA. WTF?!?!
Fabio
Like Madonna or Cher (only not talented), the solo named Fabio, Italian fashion model, spokesperson, and actor, who appeared on the covers of hundreds of romance novels throughout the 1980s and 1990s, or as I remember him best as that grease ball from the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercials, joined in on the workout tape craze. It’s like soft-core porn. Sick. (BTW check out his website, it’s ridiculous).
Alyssa Milano
In the innocent days before free Internet porn, there was Alyssa Milano and Teen Steam. You know her from her days on Who’s the Boss (check reruns at 3am) or Charmed. It was a simpler time. Taking place over the course of a sleepover/workout party, the movie includes bizarrely staged music videos (starring Milano!), boy problems (that she is having!), and choreography that looks like…well, something a 15-year-old girl would do in her bedroom.
Traci Lords
Made “famous” or perhaps infamous by her underage appearances in porn, of course Traci Lords made a low budget work out tape, because that’s what you do when you want to shed your slutty image because you “got into porn because you really wanted to be an A-list actress”. Know your audience Traci, yours is that balding old man with the beer belly leering at young girls at Hooters. Let’s get fit with Sexy Exercize set to the background of 80’s porn music.
Chuck Norris
Walker Texas Ranger (Chuck Norris) is many a man’s hero. After serving in the United States Air Force, he began his rise to fame as a martial artist, and has since founded his own school, Chun Kuk Do, not to mention a long list of movies. But before Norris began pushing the Total Gym on late night television he urged our butts into high gear with his workout tapes, which offer the added bonus of self-defense against bullies or rapists.
George Foreman
Retired American professional boxer, two-time World Heavyweight Champion, Olympic gold medalist, ordained minister, author, and entrepreneur. Blah blah blah, the dude who gave us the late night George Foreman Grill, added exercise instructor to his resume because that’s the kind of stand up guy he is, fills us up with burgers and then forces us to work off the flab.
Angela Landsbury
I don’t know about you, but senior citizens are pretty much the last people I’d ask for workout tips. Yet, here’s Angela Landsbury from Murder She Wrote (or the teapot in Beauty and the Beast for you younger kids) doling out workout tips. Though at 88, she’s still going strong so maybe we shouldn’t laugh this one off just yet.
Latoya Jackson
As the fifth child in the Jackson family, poor Latoya is better known for her facial reconstruction and affiliation with the crazy train of lunatics over at the Psychic Friends Network, so she hasn’t received all the fan fare as her brothers. But, she was wise enough to jump on the aerobic workout VHS bandwagon and that’s got to count for something. There’s just something about her voice that makes me want to lay down and take a nap, not join in on this step up workout.
Heather Locklear
Heather Locklear was the ultimate ‘babe’ back then and has never had an ounce of fat on her body, which makes me want to scream and hate her from afar, yet steal all her workout advice, which is exactly what you can do with this throw back aerobic workout. The music is full of lively guitar riffs (maybe ex husband and ex Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora had some help with the soundtrack) and Easter egg colored thong unitards for your viewing pleasure.
Barbie
Barbie was awesome, before a bunch of feminist moms talked Mattel into giving her flat feet, smaller boobs, a fatter waistline and shorter stature. Now, she looks like an f#*ked up version of Skipper her younger sister doll. But, in the early 90’s Barbie was still in her hey day with unattainable proportions giving 90’s youth hope that they could one day aerobicize their body to look like this plastic goddess. Dr. 90210 owes his life to Barbie.
