The Usual Suspects of DC Nightlife
The Characters of DC Clubbing
You know you’ve seen ’em: these people are prowling DC’s nightclubs every night!
This guide doubles as a scavenger hunt for the next time you’re out in DC.
“Find the hipster with the ironic mustache and skinny jeans!”
“Where’s that DJ whore? Maybe I’ll score sloppy seconds!”
“Let’s cow-tip that top-heavy Jersey Shore wanna be!”
Every club has AT LEAST ONE of these.
They’re usually in their mid to late 20s and trying to bang all the young coeds they never experienced because they never attended college.
They prey on undergrads, au pairs, and overall female insecurities. Some even fluff their own egos by telling guests they’re an owner.
Bring your bullshit detector and prepare for close encounters with these snakes!
Step 1: Find one adolescent.
Step 2: Add glow sticks, a pacifier, stuffed animals, furry boots, and revealing neon outfits.
… and PRESTO: instant club kid!
If that didn’t tip you off, you’re in a coma.
These candy-coated kids have more ticks and toys than a toddler and keep losing track of their friend Molly. (“Please help me find Molly!”)
Q: Ever wonder why all the hottest girls are in the DJ booth?
“If I can just get a picture with <insert ANY DJ here> maybe he will sleep with me and then I can brag about it to all my Facebook friends!”
A: It’s because clubs offer these girls up like sacrificial lambs!
You’re not one IN a million, honey: you’re one OF a million.
The Hill Intern/Yuppie
Though usually found in their natural habitat (Georgetown and Arlington), the occasional crossover blows into the club scene, unabashedly sporting khakis, pastels, Lacoste, and popped Polos.
They will ALWAYS be astonished by the cost of Bud Light, rarely dance, but always leave in a happy drunken stupor.
“Excuse me as I exhaust my daddy’s trust fund while whining about these drink prices!”
They will ironically wear big black framed glasses (non-prescription) and $300 skinny jeans they allegedly bought at a Salvation Army.
They’ll roll their eyes when the bartender tells them they don’t serve PBR in a can and take a bathroom break to take their ADHD meds and apply more mustache wax.
“I listened to dance music before it was cool.” *scoff scoff*
Everyone’s a DJ these days!
But seriously: how many of these wannabees make it to Tiesto, Armin, or Avicii’s levels? (hehe… get it? You’re not a real fan if you don’t!)
We love our local talent and resident DJs, but just because you DJed your brother’s bar mitzvah doesn’t mean you’re a DJ.
Try learning to spin without the Sync button!
These are the guys who eat at Hooters and chill at the titty bar for the sake of female company.
So where do these lonely fellas go before heading home and cleaning their dentures?
To the local hotspot, of course, where they’re out pounding beers and “bumping” into their granddaughter’s friends!
Fresh off the Boats
It’s the nation’s capital, so there’s plenty of travelers and newbies flooding DC’s clubs.
Spot them wearing the latest 1990s fashion, a Swatch watch and fanny pack (filled with David Hasslehoff pictures).
They flock to the clubs, show off their Euro dance moves, and take an ungodly amount of photos to show their friends back home in Estonia.
This one’s easy and all-encompassing…
Straight-up public embarrassments showing off their douche-y behavior…
…then again, some people are simply natural douches.
You know… the asshole bartender, beastly security guard, and snobby cocktail waitress.
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? These guests pay for their salaries!
But in all fairness, try putting up with some of these usual suspects and your personality might just change!
Fist Pumping Douches
Long before MTV’s Jersey Shore, these fist-pumping nimrods were crawling all over the District’s hottest clubs.
They’re known to drink straight from the bottle…
…watch out for cold sores!
Mr. “I wear my sunglasses at night” aka Ed Hardy
Never fear: douche bags are officially banned from Ultrabar.
Dancers add an undeniable allure to any nightclub, however there’s ALWAYS one that just doesn’t fit in.
“One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong…”
Just look for the one doing the Macarena. You’ll spot her.
Mr. / Ms. Candy Nose
Depending on their choice of substance(s), look for these telltale signs:
Giant pupils, tweaks, bloody noses, constant trips to the bathroom, rapid speech, and/or crazy dance moves.
We’ve all caught an episode of Intervention or Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew — think Lindsey Lohan or Charlie Sheen.
New Kids on the Block
There are several options for 18 and over nightclubs in DC but the “I just turned 18” crowd just can’t wait to party with the big kids!
This sly bunch will test their luck with fake IDs but more likely be spotted with giant “X’s” on their hands.
They will also probably wash them off and get thrown out a few times for underage drinking.