We’ve all had those nights where you go out with the best of intentions…

I’m not going to drink ‘too’ much, I have to work tomorrow, I have that marathon to run, or I’m meeting my parents for brunch…

Cut to, winding up in an undisclosed basement in Centreville, a strip club in Baltimore, the slammer or worse.  We know it happens to the best of us, so let’s commiserate on some of the worst places party goers (not you of course- wink wink) can wind up after a night in the nation’s capital.

The Suburbs After Party

Nothing like waking up in the butt crack Northern Virginia.  Seems like most after parties wind up somewhere way too far south or north of DC.  You come out of your after party haze, like where the hell am I? Siri? Google Maps? Yellow Cab?  There are kids outside playing in the neighboring yard and there you are stumbling out of a Centreville basement with the rest of the zombies.  Keep it classy!

Baltimore Strip Club

This is one area that Baltimore excels, there’s Score’s, Larry Flynt’s Hustler, well you dirty boys know them all by memory.  It all sounded like a great idea until the sun comes up and you’re broke and in Baltimore, even the strippers have gone to bed, and your ride home will be a true test of your manhood.

Honey Pig

Damn you 24 hours! Korean BBQ sometimes sounds like a good idea when you’ve had a few too many, but then you wake up ten pounds fatter, and somehow your hair and clothes are covered in a sticky layer of grease, just like your insides.

The Streets of DC Walk O’ Shame

We’ve all done this victory lap. But perhaps no other city in the country is the walk of shame, more shameful than the nation’s capital. Why? Because you cannot avoid the DC political type, suited up, conservative office types rushing to work, and yuppie mommies with baby carriages giving you disapproving looks, all this on the mean streets of DC.  For comparison’s sake, walk of shame in NYC or LA, not so bad, there’s tons more freaks and geeks to blend in with.

The Drunk Tank

Your night out antics sometimes wind up with a good old-fashioned trip to the po po.  Quite possibly the worst place on earth to end your night is the police station, so don’t drink and drive and quit it with the bar brawls because this one is the gift that keeps on giving- Mug shots!

Your Ex’s Bed

How did this happen? You check your phone. Drunken texting will get you every time.  Good luck sneaking out before that stage five clinger wakes up!

The Hospital

You definitely shouldn’t have worn those 5-inch heels out while trying to twerk at Echostage.  But hopefully you looked good doing it, before the fall…

NYC

Washingtonians are lucky to be able to easily take a car, bus, train, or short flight to New York City.  But you know what’s not easy? – Deciding to head to the big apple mid way through your night out in DC and realizing it’s a long way home. It always seems like a great idea at the time…

The Tow Company

DC loves to tow cars, they really really enjoy ticketing and towing, so if you don’t obey the signs and the times, you’re likely to wind up in a really seedy area on DC begging for your car back. Or they might just ticket it and tow it to another street, which will have you walking aimlessly around the district like, Dude Where’s My Car?

Downtown Chinatown

There’s that one Chinese restaurant in Chinatown that will keep serving you vodka red bulls after hours until you’re peeing yourself.  So, that fried rice that was supposed to sober you up and end your evening out, turns into drunken rocket fuel, and then any of the previous scenarios will be geared into action.