The Undefeatable Britney Jean Spears
A 17-year old girl who’s an ex-Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeer is dressed up in a 13-year old’s schoolgirl uniform and cast in an instantaneously iconic music video. This same teen then releases three albums that would go on to sell 70 million copies, go on three world tours and have acting roles in three globally-released films by the time she was 21. If I then told you by the time this teen was 25 that this one-time child superstar of superstars would be shaving her head, living as a divorced single parent and “going crazy,” it could almost be expected. However, as she nears 35, and after nearly two decades of recording music, Britney Spears has evolved past being a girl, is now completely comfortable as a woman, and is impressively on her way to being a superstar yet again.
For as much as we at Decades love to talk about how cool the ‘90s are, it’s this 2000s era pop priestess who likely deserves as much love as we give the ‘90s. To showcase just how cool Britney is, there’s a very real arc between Britney Spears and Elvis Presley that isn’t just tied to performing in Vegas. This linkage showcases just how massive of a star she is. Similar to Spears, Elvis did the following:
- released three iconic albums and had roles in three films before his 21st birthday
- had four consecutive #1 albums
- after eight consecutive years of releases had a stress and pressure-induced recording hiatus
- has an undeniable mystique attached to his career that is tied to a generation of kids and teenagers loving his visuals as much as they loved his music
2016 finds Britney Spears releasing her ninth studio album Glory while also in the midst of her third year of her Las Vegas performance residency at Caesar’s Palace. What’s interesting is that for an artist that so many have believed to be in “decline,” let the record show that Spears has released four albums since 2007, done two limited tours, released perfumes via Elizabeth Arden, been active as a charity contributor and also is raising two children aged 10 and 12, respectively. Though her last Billboard #1 single was 2011’s “Hold It Against Me” and she’s removed from an era of having four consecutive number one albums, the idea that Spears ever “fell off” could be argued to be completely wrong. If anything, Britney’s the 21st century’s ultimate pop music survivor.
Since Britney’s Vegas performances haven’t been publicly aired, her magnificent Elvis ‘68 Comeback Special-similar performance was recently alongside G-Eazy at MTV’s 2016 Video Music Awards. These are the same VMAs where in 2007, her performance of “Gimme More” signaled to the world that her life was in possibly falling apart in front of our eyes. Regarding her performance of “Make Me,” Billboard noted that it was a “subdued victory for Spears” that “checks off another box on her way to a revived career — not just as a pop superstar who once was, but as a pop superstar who still is.”
In 2011, Entertainment Weekly summed up Britney Spears’ career as “an American institution, as deeply sacred and messed up as pro wrestling or the filibuster.” As well, when artists like Nicki Minaj say that Spears’ success drives them because “once you keep at whatever it is you’re doing, people may not like you, people may not love you, but they will have to respect you at the end of the day. And that respect is all that matters,” the need to see Britney Spears excel is not just an expectation, but a necessity.
At Decades, we’re proud of Britney’s ability to endure and excel. We’ll be playing tons of her music in celebration.
On Burning Man 2016 And The Evolution Of Festival Culture
Thirty years ago, Burning Man was a festival associated with “radical self-expression” that took place in the shadow of San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge and ended with the ritualistic symbolic burning of a large wooden effigy-as-man. In 2016, Burning Man is a destination on Instagram near Reno, Nevada where from August 28-September 5, the likes of Paris Hilton and 70,000 of her friends partied on-board a jet-plane as art installation, Jack U played Billboard pop hits, and yes, they still burned a wooden man. Somewhere in the middle of this insanity there’s a lesson about what happens when underground things become mainstream fads because everyone loves a good, cool party that it seems like nobody else is attending.
Burning Man has existed for 30 years, but it was ultimately the festival’s close alignment with mid-2000s leading indie-to-pop cultural staples of electronic music and festivals as communal experiences that arguably put it over-the-top. Over the past weekend, Burning Man’s attendance reached a 40% surge in the past five years. That’s roughly 70,000% growth in the festival’s 30-year history, so it’s probably as good of a time as any to sit down and consider how movements develop and when it’s time to start doing something new.
Getting angry about Burning Man “not being for the scene” anymore is arguably fruitless. From disco to old-school rap, scenes evolve over time, as people, places and economics “conspire” to open culture up to society-at-large. These evolutions welcome in people who bring their unique human backgrounds into what are ideally supposed to be “shared cultural spaces.” Whenever “sharing” occurs, there’s a balance that must be achieved. Of course, when that balance is between wealth and “free-thinking,” the idea that wealth allows for free-thinking to include so much of what we saw at Burning Man 2016, stories like that of a “fancy camp” founded by the son of a Russian billionaire being ransacked make sense.
There’s been recent discussion of moving the Burning Man Festival out of the Nevada desert because of festival taxes being levied by the state of Nevada. If Burning Man were still all about free-thinking hippies on a beach, that’d be a problem. However, confusing what Burning Man originally was with what it is right now is like comparing a McDonald’s Big Mac to a steak dinner at The Palm. In Burning Man 2016 being far more of the latter and less of the former, the idea of taxing the wealth-positive festival makes sense.
Here’s an intriguing solution. Maybe it’s time for the OG burners to head, as VICE suggested in 2015, to Utah. In June 2016, Burning Man’s organizers purchased the 3,800 square foot Fly Ranch in Washoe County, Nevada in order to build year-round Burning Man-style infrastructure. While for some this may seem like an ideal solution for those looking to get away from the growing crowd in Black Rock City, heading to Utah instead could be a winning plan.
In the 2015 Vice piece, Burning Man’s CEO Marian Goodell notes that the Nevada taxes has made the festival’s organizers “ look longingly towards Utah or any other state that might not have levied that.” However, when Goodell also notes, “[w]e have watched the change in the type of people that come to Burning Man, and we’re not gonna get in front of certain things and force issues. We are gonna nurture the process so we all get the best results. Burning Man is an experiment in temporary community, and we’re the stewards of that process,” is it also a nod to potentially taking things elsewhere? When she continues to note that at 2015’s festival may be the most important sign that times have changed and that the festival’s culture may need to evolve:
“I was one of the people who was awakened at 3 in the morning by the sound of thumping music. My trailer was vibrating! Several of us came out, shocked, and couldn’t understand, even though I’ve been doing this for 19 years. We got in the cart and went out and it was an tart car facing its speakers towards the camp. It was past the man and it woke me!”
Again, in 2016, Burning Man was a destination on Instagram near Reno, Nevada where from August 28-September 5, the likes of Paris Hilton and 70,000 of her friends partied on-board a jet-plane as art installation, and ultimately, given how change occurs and things evolve, that’s okay. In looking to discover how to preserve a Burning Man that’s more about good music, good vibes and hanging out on a beach as a wooden man burns, maybe it’s time to think about Utah, and that’s okay, too.
The 90s Boom Could Last Forever
Don’t think for a second that millions of viral Youtube video clips of people dancing a version of the Running Man dance to R & B hits, pop acts like Duran Duran and 98 Degrees reuniting and playing 20 tour dates in August 2016 alone, MTV program Daria resurfacing, Pokemon being the world’s most popular video game and Mariah Carey seductively posing on the cover of mainstream magazines are five unrelated events from the past three months. In fact, they’re connected by the fact that they prove that the 1990s and retro culture in general are incredibly popular right now. In presenting facts, figures and thinking about what the future may hold, we’ll get a sense of why love for the 1990s could possibly not be just a trend, but rather, the start of a phenomenon that lasts forever.
Recently, Viacom has swapped brands and concepts on it’s “classic” music channel. VH1 Classic is now MTV Classic, and is not just focusing on throwback content in general from the Viacom family of music networks. Instead, the new MTV Classic is specifically ‘90s focused, with MTV President Sean Atkins noting that “MTV’s [‘90s] programming vault is a music and pop culture goldmine with universal resonance.”
‘90s music reaching “goldmine” status should be obvious by now, but to break the trend down by simple numbers, overall music sales in the 1990s rose roughly 75%, while in the years since 2000, overall sales have dipped 64%. If you’re NOT looking for numbers as proof, ask yourself just how quickly you specifically downloaded and paid $20 for the Tidal app *just* to hear Prince’s feel-good hits from the 1990s after he unexpectedly passed away.
Nostalgic feelings for the 1990s are not just limited to music. In 1996, the top five comedies on free television were watched in 54 million homes. Comparatively, in 2014, there were only three comedies in the top 30 TV programs on free television, and these programs were viewed by 27 million households. Clearly, while there’s certainly more broadcasting options than ever before, the ratings also show that people could easily want to watch ‘90s TV shows again. Need proof? 1996’s top-ranked comedy was Seinfeld, and famously, the streaming broadcast rights for the show were sold to Hulu last year for $160 million. That’s a lot of puffy shirts.
Discussing music again, there’s also the idea to consider that for every modern day Drake and Kanye that become superstars, that we’re not comparatively creating the seemingly never-ending list of ‘90s rap stars that include Biggie, Tupac, LL Cool J, Puff Daddy, Busta Rhymes, Dre and Snoop, Meth and Red, and so many more.
Here’s a quick number to drive home that point. There’s a group of 11 artists who had #1 singles for 42% of the 1990s. By comparison, there’s 11 artists who have had #1 singles in the 2010s, but for 71% — or nearly twice as long. This definitely allows for fewer options to break through as superstars.
In 20 years, imagine say, Desiigner, going on a sold out tour like the 1990s-beloved 98 Degrees, “I Love The ‘90s” Tour participants Salt-N-Pepa, Kid ‘N Play, Vanilla Ice and Coolio, “90sFest” Tour headliners Smash Mouth, Sugar Ray, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and Spin Doctors, or say, current Billboard pop chart toppers Blink-182. It’s safe to say that a nostalgia tour where “Panda” and “Timmy Turner” are played on repeat probably will not happen.
What happens when fewer records sell, modern entertainment isn’t so entertaining, there are fewer current superstars and people want fun experiences more than ever before? People literally start doing the Running Man again. Exactly.
The ‘90s boom is not a joke. Instead, it’s a sign of things to come, and things that also may last forever. Now, imagine if there were a club, let’s say in Washington, DC, where people could hear their favorite ‘90s tunes played all night long.
Decades is coming soon.
Five Great DC Men’s Clothing Options For DC Nightlife
Between Moonrise and Trillectro, plus the recently passed Union BBQ, Thank You and Sweetlife Festivals, the DC area has recently been swept up in party fever. The Nation’s Capital also has a diversity of top-tier music-driven nightlife options available, too. However, when it comes to fashion options for these events, someone could make the very easy-to-make argument that it’s a 110% women-driven market. Previews and photo spreads rarely ever spend significant time highlighting unique and quality options for men. However, with this article, that’s about to change, and as well, it will be done with a local spin. If a guy who enjoys the incredible number of options available for entertainment, but also wants to stand out from the collared (or neon tee) shirt crowd, DC has some fantastic local fashion options worth considering.
Hugh and Crye
3212 O St NW
(202) 250-3807
In visiting the Georgetown-based and gaining in national respect men’s fashion company, finely-tailored men’s clothing no longer has to be a boring and expensive situation. Off-the-rack dress shirts and blazers oftentimes fit uncomfortably or blouse up around the cuff and in the midsection. In many cases, if you’re heading out to VIP on the second level of Echostage or out to the Golden Triangle’s chic Barcode, you’re also likely spending a good amount of time attempting to be physically fit, so, having some gear that can showcase the effort you’ve put in at the gym is worthwhile. Shirts fit according to skinny fit, slim fit, athletic fit, or broad fit (with a number of separations in those size classes). Blazers are similar, and the company also has one-of-a-kind pocket squares, collar stays, tie pins and ties available, too.
Federal
2216 14th St NW
(202) 518-3375
The one fashion tip that every fashion-forward male should know is that every man needs a great pair of jeans. Whether the jeans are of the raw, slim-fitting Japanese selvedge variety, or just a great pair of well-constructed straight leg jeans, they’re important. From throwing on a v-neck t-shirt and partying with that epic soundsystem at 9:30 Club or putting on a collared shirt and jacket and heading to any one of the five levels of diverse sounds at Ultrabar, with the right pair of jeans, both events are possible. The classic hip-hop notion of baggy jeans being everywhere is largely done. Being able to wear jeans anywhere is now quite popular though, so having a pair that fit like khaki pants, but don’t make you feel like you’re at the 9-5 is important. Yes, the price is somewhat steep, but if you look at it as an investment in comfort wherever you’re heading when out for entertainment, it’s definitely worthwhile. 14th Street’s Federal specializes in this, and will definitely help you get the most out of the experience.
Dr. K’s Vintage
1534 U St NW
(240) 888-6284
It’s all about belts and shoes, plus accessories make the memorable man. Many of us are headed out on the town because it’s all about finding a significant other. If a man making this search, finding that one piece of clothing that – even in a dark nightclub or in front of a festival stage filled with tons of people – makes you stand out, is important. Four blocks away from indie-friendly locales U Street Music Hall and Tropicalia, Dr. K’s Vintage specializes in rare and hard-to-find vintage clothing, but it’s the enormous array of shoes, belts and belt buckles that makes them stand out. Thinking that it might be time for a new and much more swagged out belt buckle? It’s often said that you can look at a man’s shoes to get a sense of who he is as a person. Wanting to make a funky statement? Maybe it’s a military-style boot? What about a unique oxford that’s 40-years old and absolutely not on the market. If wanting that ever-so-slight edge, this place is definitely worth the time.
Cmonwealth
1781 Florida Ave. NW
(202) 265-1155
Sneakers. Yes, while frowned upon by many night spots, there’s still going to be that occasional night that calls for dressing down and letting it all hang out. Whether that means a sweaty and wild night of Moombahton Massive at U Street Music Hall, Steve Aoki tossing cakes and dropping bass bombs at Merriweather Post Pavilion, or just heading out for a not-so-fashion serious night on the town in general, by considering your feet in all of this, there’s still a way to sneak in a little bit of flair. Cmonwealth’s existed in Adams Morgan for quite some time, and the one thing they’ve always gotten right is understanding footwear. Sneaker fashion oftentimes tends to get a little out of hand in color and style, but in hand-selecting what ends up in the store, Cmonwealth ensures that you’re certain to find something not too wild, but just crazy enough to spruce up any outfit.
Redeem
1810 14th St NW
(202) 332-7447
Okay, so none of the other places on this list suit your fancy. You’re that one guy that we all know who thinks that DC isn’t Brooklyn or LA, but are impressed by the plethora of big name dance festivals being booked at cavernous suburban venues like Pimlico Race Course and Jiffy Lube Live. Fashion is your “thing,” too, and you think that DC is so corporate and government drab. Well, let me tell you about 14th Street’s Redeem and help you understand that you’re totally wrong. You’re looking for rare and indie clothes, right? Well, Redeem has a variety of rising American and international independent brands, and local designers, too. Do you hate that moment of reading your favorite fashion blog but knowing that there’s absolutely no way that any DC store is going to know about what you’re talking about? That’s absolutely not the case here. If you’re looking for couture, but at the same time ever-so-slightly cost-conscious, this is the shop for you.
Five Dining Options on 14th Street NW
As with any city in the midst of an economic boom period, big business comes to town in a major way and completely changes the landscape. For Washington, DC, this has affected two major areas, food and entertainment. Insofar as entertainment, new options are popping up all over town, and in the suburbs, too. However, as far as food, there may be no finer area at-present than traveling down Northwest DC’s 14th Street strip. If preparing for a night on the town anywhere in DC, 14th Street is a great central location to consider taking a date or friends, and enjoying an incredible meal before an exciting evening in the Nation’s Capital. Unsure of where to head? Well, here’s a list of five of 14th Street’s best options.
1610 14th St. NW
202-803-2389
An Italian Gastro pub, Ghibellina features Tuscan-style cuisine, which basically amounts to classy Italian takes on pizza, pasta, vegetable dishes and desserts. If looking for &Pizza or Olive Garden, this is a clear step above. Upon entering the restaurant, you’re greeted by the bar and a bar-style seating area facing directly out onto 14th Street. That, alongside the exposed brick and beams, plus the candlelit atmosphere gives the space a warm, inviting ambience. Food is best ordered here to be shared by the entire table (like pizza) or in a manner similar to tapas, meaning that smaller plates that can be conveniently shared, too.
Worth ordering: Quattro Formaggi – A pizza featuring buffalo mozzarella, ricotta, grana padano and pecorino romano cheese, as well as pickled hot peppers, garlic, basil, oregano.
1819 14th St. NW
(202) 328-3131
Let’s say it’s your roommate’s birthday, and instead of having a DC nightlife evening of heading to a bar and requesting her favorite song over and over again (and the DJ not even appearing to pay attention), you want something more. Let me suggest the Tequileria at El Centro as an idea. In the restaurant’s underground space, mixologists craft Latin cocktails and can pour from 200 tequilas and mezcals in doing so. While tasting rare alcoholic beverages, also enjoy a dining menu including traditional fare like tacos and enchiladas, but also a native Mexican menu that is wide a deep, with both vegetarian and meat-based dishes.
Worth ordering: Jalisco Shrimp & Crab Enchiladas – Outside of the obvious, the enchiladas come topped with oaxaca cheese, corn and crema fresca, plus are served with fresh plantains and cilantro rice.
1818 14th St NW
(202) 265-8337
So, you’re a little bit older, and your parents are in town, but your friends are still are coming out with you for the evening. Yes, 14th Street even has options for you, too. Ted’s Bulletin blends art-deco décor with a menu that is equal parts delicious and ridiculous. Traditional American with a twist is the key here, with beer-battered fish, steaks, breakfast all day, and yes, homemade pop tarts as well. If looking for a quality meal that is tasty and top-notch without the bells and whistles of other 14th Street locations, Ted’s is ideal.
Worth ordering: “The Walk of Shame Breakfast Burrito” – Sirloin steak, scrambled eggs, hash browns, cheddar cheese and green chile sauce, served with hash browns.
1601 14th St NW
(202) 332-3333
Possibly one of the most physically attractive restaurants along 14th Street, French dining option Le Diplomate features an extraordinarily simple, yet well-delivered take on French cuisine. Appetizers include roasted sweetbreads, onion soup au gratin, steak tartare and and escargots, while entrees include steak frites, trout amandine, beef bourguignon and duck leg and breast confit. With multiple specialty cocktails featured on the menu as well, this is quite possibly one of the few locales in the area that has Euro-centric cuisine delivered without too much innovation.
Worth ordering: Steak Frites – Pan roasted hanger steak served with maître d’ butter and a side of pommes frites.
1608 14th St NW
(202) 234-2400
For as many newly opened restaurants continue to reach the 14th Street area, “fine Thai” cuisine space Rice continues to deliver quality food, excellent indoor and outdoor atmosphere and a diverse menu that offers a unique dining experience. Pumpkin empanadas at a “Thai” restaurant? Absolutely, and they’re crisp, moist and unforgettable. The menu is separated into “Rice specialties, (aka newly invented Thai fusion cuisine)” as well as “Authentic Thai” and “Healthy Green.” If headed out with a crew with diverse tastes, dietary restrictions or just adventurous eaters, this is a quality choice.
Worth ordering: Spicy duck, stir-fried with Thai herbs and crispy wild ginger
Toro Toro
- Main Dining Area
- Venue type: Restaurant/ lounge
- Amenities: Happy hour, Sunday brunch, Full menu, Happy hour menu, Full bar, Private events, Bottle service.
- Hours: Sunday – Thursday: 11pm- 2 am Friday- Saturday: 10 pm- 3 am
- Cover charge: None
- Dress code: Fashionable
- Age requirement: 21+ on the weekend
- Location: McPherson Square
- Address: 1300 I street NW Washington DC 20005
- Contact: 202-682-9500
- Website: www.richardsandoval.com/torotorodc/
Overview:
Richard Sandoval’s newest DC hotspot is an upscale Latin restaurant serving authentic cuisine during the day, with full bars in both the dining and downstairs lounge areas. Everything in Toro Toro is perfectly Latin themed, from the furnishings to the Day of the Dead bottled beers. Boasting burning amber onyx walls, lush black leather couches, a lit-up bar, glowing orange countertops, and state-of-the art lighting system, Toro Toro creates an ambience of pure elegance.
On the main floor, you can enjoy the quiet, classy atmosphere at the bar, or candle-lit table to unwind from a long day. The happy hour includes reasonably priced and tasty appetizers and cocktails, featuring Latin-inspired dishes such as their chipotle hummus and smoked guacamole.
Located on the bottom level, the 5,000 sqft late night lounge provides an intimate and vibrant setting for guests to dance and converse.VIP tables are placed conveniently by the dance floor with comfy and chic couches for guests. Candles are lit next to plush booths to enhance the intimate ambience. Another notable aspect of this floor is the state-of-the art lighting system, with its beautiful array of bright colors and patterns. The flashing lights are perfectly timed to create a high-energy and sensual vibe on the dancefloor. The beautiful upscale interior is complimented with tasty, Latin-inspired drinks, exceptional service, and uplifting house music.
I would recommend Toro Toro for private events and celebrations. Tables provide an intimate setting for guests to enjoy delicious drinks and for you to have a great time with friends. They also come with excellent service. The VIP hostesses were very attentive and made sure to keep our table stocked throughout the night.
For bottle service specials and rates, call 202.682.9500. Toro Toro is also available for private events.
Written by Roma Moradian and Sana Alloo
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Why Valentine’s Day is the Most Annoying Holiday
Valentine’s Day is one of those BS holidays. Stay with me here, you love drunken fools. It’s a sick way of gobbling candy hearts under a fake cloud of forced romance. What is so romantic about this holiday anyways? Didn’t it all start back in the day with some fat kid shooting people with poisoned arrows? True story. Today when this happens, it’s a roofie that shady looking dude slipped you and he’d be arrested. So, whether you are coupled up in love or single and miserable, Valentine’s Day sucks and here’s why.
Anti Valentine’s Day Party
This is about as original as a white party. But, remember those awesome high school slow dances? Well those are over with, now the only dancing you get to do is twerking and convulsing, too bad Prom was the closest you’ll get to a romantic slow dance again. So, we can’t blame nightclubs for trying, it’s Valentine’s Day, so couples are dining and getting busy and singles are crying in a tub of ice cream. So in an effort to drag all the lonely hearts out of their den of depression, the anti- Valentine’s Day party emerged. Break out the voodoo dolls and tequila! So now you are single and hung over congrats!
The Social Media Present Parade
Girls really have some of the most annoying Facebook habits- babies, pets, and duck faces. We girls really are not helping ourselves here, but nothing is quite as annoying as the present posts. ‘Oh look at my new Louie Vuitton bag’, ‘baby got me the cutest new Juicy jumpsuit’, ‘oh isn’t my boo just the bestest’ – BARF! All this really says about you is you’re easy. A little Valentine’s Day gift was all it took to erase the year of your boy’s bad behavior- and I’m sure you deserve something better than a purse, probably more like a car- sucker!
Engagement Rings
Nothing is less original than a Valentine’s Day proposal. Bet she didn’t see that one coming. Let me guess, next year you are going to have your wedding on Valentine’s Day and ruin it for all your guests when they are forced to celebrate your love and not their own- selfish much?!?! Now let’s see that engagement ring #### posted a million times- ugh! P.S. have you noticed girls usually are in desperate need a manicure and overlook this while in post ring bliss!
Restaurant Impossible
If you have not planned ahead, good luck finding a reservation at a nice restaurant. You’ll probably be stuck at Applebee’s, if you’re lucky, but at least there you can wear sweatpants and nobody will bat an eye. Even if you book a nice place, you’ll probably be stuck with a pre fixe meal, that’s right, chicken or fish, just like shitty wedding food options but at a premium cost. Then you’re definitely going to be surrounded by a bunch of sappy ass couples and broken hearted, pissed off wait staff.
The Valentine’s Day Conspiracy Theory
We welcome you to be as cynical as you want this Valentine’s Day. Just be original. That whole – ‘Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday made up by Hallmark to get rich’ excuse is tired. Don’t be bitter because you didn’t think of it first. You know if you weren’t so boring in your sarcasm maybe you’d have a significant other and you’d probably be first in line at Hallmark.
Love Coupons
What a horrible gift! This screams cheap! Sorry, but I know a free coupon for a massage from your lover, or a coupon for him to take out the trash, was definitely not on your list. Hey I’m broke and forgot about Valentine’s Day until this morning and this is all I could come up with. Homemade gifts can be nice, but let’s face it, maybe a coupon for things like hugs and sexual favors, things you should be doing anyway, makes zero sense. You should just break up now or you’re in for a lifetime of crappy gifts.
Singing Telegrams
If you want me to break up with you, send me a singing telegram. Nothing would be more horribly embarrassing. If you are going to spend $150 on a singing chicken, please refrain, spend that money on something I can use, not flowers or candy either. Those gifts suck- here’s why-it’s takes zero imagination and is a waste of money. I can pick flowers for free and really a month after she made that New Year’s Eve resolution to lose weight, you’re going to make her get fat on cheap candy? Bravo, now she’s fat and pissed off.
The Sicko Lovey Dove Couples
The worst part of Valentine’s Day is perhaps every other couple of course not you guys. Sure! Those lovey dove assholes are so annoying! Oh shmoopy poopy I love you! And who says, “I love you” over Facebook? You guys are probably sitting across the table from each other at dinner and you still need to post it to each other on Facebook. It’s just to make everyone else jealous and you know that’s true. Sure it’s only a matter of weeks before you are posting cryptic break up messages like- “You broke my heart but you will never break my spirit- you know who you are!”
Romantic Movie Marathons
Who are these all day love movie marathons for? Most couples are out at dinner or busy in the bedroom. So it’s a real evil trick playing love stories for all the singles that are stuck at home alone. Well played Lifetime, well played!
You’re the Biggest Loser
As Valentine’s Day approaches, you may start to panic if you’re single. Start trolling around Facebook for a last minute date, or maybe now is a good time to sign up for Match.com? If you catch yourself running back through all your exs, just stop. Rekindling a dead flame for one night of fake romance is not worth it. And if you’re on the other end of that search and are contacted out of the blue by a random or an ex, it’s probably best to hold off until after Valentine’s when you can go on living like the fierce independent soul you are without the guilt and shame of Valentine’s Day looming over you.
10 Things Everyone is Sick of Seeing Posted on Facebook During a Snow Storm
Snow sucks, winter sucks, blah blah blah…you know what sucks even more? -These annoying posts that litter Facebook and Twitter during these polar blasts. Take a look at the top 10 things we are sick of seeing posted on social media, and then stop doing them. No really, enough is enough.
Miami Vice
It’s so annoying seeing the constant posts of people in the northeast leaving the snow for Miami. We don’t know what is worse, being snowed in with cabin fever or having to actually leave the house, somehow get to the airport, deal with cancelled flights, possibly crash on the runway, and then do it all over again after your vacation is over. Because let’s get real, you’re never leaving DC- here’s why with- Polar Blast Pushing People out of DC and the Northeast- FOREVER?
Weather Stations
Hey guess what? We all have smart phones with the complimentary ‘Weather’ app. No need to spread the misery around social media. We all know it’s colder than a whore’s heart outside, thanks for the reminder. This also doubles for the lucky ones in warmer climates who post their 70 and 80 degree temps. There’s a special place in hell for them.
Submerged Cars
How many pictures do we want to see of your ride under a snowdrift? The answer is none. It’s depressing because it reminds of the emending doom of having to go dig our own cars out of the snow, and we’d prefer to stay inside and wait for spring to naturally melt the snow off for us.
Sloppy Food
Everyone is posting food pictures. Let’s get real; you’re no Chef Boyardee ok. There’s a HUGE line between food porn pictures posted by trained chefs and whatever kind of beige slop you are concocting over there on your George Foreman grill.
Complaining about Closings
Oh boo hoo, the gym, your favorite coffee shop or your favorite nightclub is closed. Really? Just because you may live around the block, doesn’t mean the employees or owners do. You should use this time to hunker down and enjoy some relaxing time at home or follow this guide for 7 Ways to Stay Warm during the Winter Storm.
Be thankful that there are less people on the roads because nobody needs to be killed on the way to work just so you can overload on caffeine.
California Dreaming
West Coasters love to rub in their perfect year round weather in our faces especially during these polar snowstorms from hell. Feel free to get back at them by posting pictures of the 1992 LA riots, the LA smog, or LA traffic to retaliate.
Snow Snob
“Where’s all the snow?” This is the obnoxious of all posts. Oh you think you’re Jack Frost? Just because Al Roker told you there would be a foot of snow and only a percentage of the predicted amount fell, it’s still snow and ice and it’s shitty and you’re stuck inside and freezing your ass off. Stop being a snow snob, you’re not a weather man and any snow sucks, so sorry it’s not towering over your head, if you want more snow fall, move to Canada.
Driving in the Snow
Excuse me, didn’t you listen to Oprah? There should be no texting while driving and certainly no picture taking. Driving in the snow is already asking for trouble, then here you are with your fat gloved fingers trying to take ‘selfies’ or pictures of the snow and ice littered roads while you’re driving. How was it not graduating with the rest of your high school class?
Pet Popsicle
Unless you have a Siberian Husky, I’m guessing your 5 pound tea cup Yorkie, though desperately adorable in that designer puffer jacket, shouldn’t be up to his head in snow. How would you like to go out with no pants on and have your entire body in naked in the snow? Shovel a small patch in the yard for your furry friend to do their business, put the camera down and get your poor pet back inside before the SPCA is at your door playing that damn Sarah McLaughlin song.
Stay Puft Marshmallow Children
We all saw ‘The Christmas Story’. Dressing your kids up in layer after layer and then making them pose for pictures. This should be considered some sort of child abuse. Back in the day before social media, kids only had to worry about the neighborhood seeing them dressed up like a marshmallow. Now these poor tykes have to deal with their Facebook obsessed parents blasting their embarrassing pictures all over the Internet. Just think, one day they will be an angst-ridden teenager and torture you- pay back’s a bitch!
Polar Blast Pushing People out of DC and the Northeast- FOREVER?
11 Reasons Why You’d Never Leave DC!
So it’s cold as sh*t outside all over the Northeast, duh, it’s called winter. Still, every Facebook post is whining about the cold weather, as if in utter shock. OK, we hear you; it’s colder than we’d expect to get here in DC. But isn’t everyone sick of reading the constant stream of temperature posts or here’s a popular post-
“F this weather, I’m moving to Miami!”
Forbes did report that according to a long running study of moving van line data, the masses are in fact fleeing the Northeast for the South and West in general. You know the one exception, Washington DC. Boom!
So who thinks that anyone will really go through with this and is there any truth to it? Maybe, but we think you’re never going to leave DC and once the Cherry Blossoms arrive, you’ll forget all about the winter from hell.
Here’s why no silly winter storm will be enough you kick you out of your beloved city.
1. You’re an Alcoholic
It’s no secret, Washingtonians like their booze. DC ranked 9th in a poll of the “Top 25 Drunkest Cities in the US” reported by the Daily Beast. DC was also ranked #1 for “Drunkest Singles in America”. But what are we to do? How else are we expected to keep warm in this weather? For some advice check out “7 Ways to Stay Warm During a Winter Storm”.
2. Unemployed and Homeless is NOT a Winning Combo
Nowhere is the employment rate lower than in DC, with government jobs and good economic opportunities. Plus, DC attracts highly educated professionals, who have money- you know what that translates to- CHA CHING all you gold diggers! With all those people heading south and west job competition is staggering- just think of being a Crackle Barrel waitress when you have a PHD I bet that’s not quite what you had in mind, but at least when you’re homeless in the sunny states you’re not freezing- silver lining!
3. Equal Rights
Same-sex marriage in the District of Columbia was legalized on December 18, 2009. The District became the first jurisdiction in the United States below the Mason–Dixon Line to allow same-sex couples to marry. If not, think of it this way, you need a green card, marry your best friend!
4. You LOVE Living in the Nation’s Capital
DC is obviously THE political hub of the country. You can protest, you can witness a presidential inauguration from your front porch, run into the President while your at Starbucks or hit up all the tourists attractions and monuments. In Miami the closest you’ll get to a national landmark is South Beach. So think less, history of America and more drug trafficking.
5. You Can’t Give Up that Preppy G-town Costume
What will you do with all your preppy Georgetown inspired fashion? Nowhere does khakis, pastel colored dress shirts, Lacoste everything, bow ties and sear suckers quite like DC. You may find yourself out of fashion next to the casual Southern and Western styles.
6. Music is the Answer
Washington DC is a major player in the EDM scene. There’s no DJ you can’t gain access to in DC with Echostage, Glow events. So the whole fleeing for music scene, just doesn’t work anymore. You’ll still have WMC, we won’t hold that against you. Just check out the current Glow calendar of events.
7. No habla espanol?
If you don’t know what that says, then don’t pack your bags just yet. If you don’t speak Spanish life in Miami or many other Southern or Western cities will surely frustrate you. Street signs double in English and Spanish. An overwhelming amount of jobs require bilingual candidates and you’ll just feel left out.
8. You’re a Pig
DC is a food lover’s paradise. There’s everything from Celebrity Chef driven restaurants to food trucks on every corner. If you move south get used to eating chitlins and ham hocks!
9. You’re a Redskins Fan
How would you explain being a Redskins fan. Redskins fans are pretty intense and the District is a pretty small place, so outside of it, you’d be a total outsider. Those red and gold head to toe outfits won’t look so hot outside FedEx Field.
10. Best Party Schools Ever
Between DC, Maryland and Virginia there’s no shortage of party schools, and well parties in general. Maybe that’s why it’s the 9th drunkest city in the U.S. So how could you ever think of leaving these co-eds and keggers behind? Check out “The Biggest Party Schools in the DC Area”. And a big shout out goes to the University of Maryland who ranked 18 in “America’s Top Party Schools”.
11. You’re Not a Senior Citizen
Follow a simple rhyme- “Do your balls/boobs hang low do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow…” You’re not supposed to flee the cold until your retired. Just ask the Golden Girls. The sunny side is ideal for seniors, but if you’d rather pussy out and join Grandpa for a round of bocce ball than party it up in DC, that’s your call. You’ll be sipping prune juice before the ice melts.
So, try and hang in there, stay warm and don’t get the winter blues. It’s a great time of year to fake the flu and get out of school or work. There are no snow days in the sunshine. Just the constant, crippling fear of a deadly Tsunami, a hurricane, an earthquake, or your entire state detaching from the rest of the country all together. Fear should be setting in nicely now!
7 Ways to Stay Warm during the Winter Storm
Next week the United States (especially the Midwest) will be facing one of the coldest Arctic outbreaks since the 1990’s. Men, prepare for major shrinkage, because Mother Nature is about to thoroughly embarrass us. The struggle to stay warm will be real next week. Really, really real.
Here are some suggestions on how one could potentially keep themselves from suffering from hypothermia during these upcoming days.
Take an impromptu vacation:
Leave. Leave fast and don’t look back. Consider going to South America to discover yourself and find your spirit animal. Take a cruise to a deserted island and claim it as your own while raising your own army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs. Return when it warms up with said army of monkeys with rocket launchers on their backs and proceed with your plans of world domination.
Sex:
Whether you’re taken or not, now is the time to use sex as an excuse to sweat and stay warm. Find a lady friend with little to no morals or standards that is willing to fellaish you. It’s a new year anyway, so people are totes trying to find that new special someone.
Fashion:
You now have an excuse to conjure up obscure outfits that will be acceptable given the weather conditions. Mix and match anything you can find that is warm. I am currently wearing 80’s leg warmers, because screw you it’s cold, that’s why.
Here is a picture of me currently at work.
Stay away from kandi ravers:
Kandi ravers are an evolved form of humanoids that are impervious to the cold. They consistently insist that it is “not that cold” while they are half naked making snow angels and blasting some obscure DJ set they found on Soundcloud. Don’t feed into their lies that their superfluous amounts of kandi and PLUR give them superpowers that keep them warm. The cake is a lie.
Drink:
It is no secret that drinking makes you feel warm. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot chocolate with Baileys and Jameson use the cold as an excuse to get turnt and hungover. Just don’t drink and drive.
The outdoors should be avoided at all costs:
This is an obvious one, but stock up on food and alcohol and stay indoors. Screw the hippies that want to take romantic nature walks in the park. Now you have a reason to be lazy and you should abuse it.
Use your furry companion for help:
Your dog and cat love attention. Use that as leverage for living foot warmers. If you don’t have a cat or dog, create a distraction and steal a friend’s or neighbor’s.
So layer up and brace yourselves, because winter is definitely coming.
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Follow me on twitter: @BenLekEchostage
