Creepy Facebook Messages Guys Send to Go Go Dancers
The title says it all.
You ever wonder who that sexy go go dancer you were hitting on last night went home with? More likely than not, she went home to her boyfriend, child, parents, roommate, dorm room, etc. Maybe she went and partied with her co-workers.
One thing is for sure. She didn’t go home with the creepy guy who stood there winking at her all night. Sorry, man. That only works for James Bond, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark.
Some guys, however don’t get the point. And now you know why attractive female night life workers don’t use their real names on Facebook:
1.
“Hey, I randomly came across your profile. I swear I haven’t been stalking you for months or anything!”
Hi Dan! You came across my profile? Well in that case, let’s have sex!
2.
“My body is perfect… but I’m a f***ing tool.”
Guys, let this be a lesson to you. Even with ripped abs and flawless pecs, sometimes the best way to win a woman over is by smiling and keeping your mouth shut.
3.
“Scissor me timbers!”
Equal opportunity stalking.
4.
This is actually disturbing:
“Hi, I’m an Arab flight attendant named Osama. I followed you home from the club last night. Let’s be friends.”
5.
“Let’s make babies. You’re beautiful. Don’t wanna talk to me? Fine you’re a whore.”
Well, he opened things up on January 19 with the innocent proposition of conception. After 10 months and no response, the woman he once thought could be the mother of his children demoted to ratchet. Calling all psychiatrists.
6.
“By ‘help’ I mean sex. Get it? Cause of the quotes?”
Next time the toilet’s clogged she can give Pai a call.
7.
“Let’s f***.”
At least this guy (or girl) is concise and honest.
8.
“Are you real?”
You can probably blame the fact you wrote this message on tequila as well.
Moral of the story, gentlemen? There are plenty of girls that come to the club who are DTF or at least down to hook up on the dance floor. The go go dancers are working. Of all the women you see, are you really going after the ones dancing on a block in their underwear? How old are you bro?
You’re better off pre-gaming and going to the strip club. At least then they’ll actually talk to you. Not to mention show you some skin.
If you do happen to be a facebook stalker, ifne. But if you don’t have the balls to say hi in person. remember, you’ve got a lot of creepy competition out there.
Sky Blu Drops 1st Single Since LMFAO Split
Sky Blu – Pop Bottles (feat. Mark Rosas) [Produced by Big Bad]
After splitting due to financial disagreements (as reported by the NY Post) and creative differences (as stated by the group), LMFAO’s Sky Blu is now set to release his first single. Hope ya shined your shufflin’ shoes.
You can expect nothing less than pure, fun-laced music from the co-creator of Party Rock Anthem, Sexy and I Know It and Shots. The chorus on the Big Bad-produced song says it all: “Pop bottles, make it rain/ Every night it’s all the same/ Hit the club, hit the after party, then we hit the plane.”
Unlike rappers of the past, whose suburban fans were shunned for listening to lyrics they could never relate to, the guys from LMFAO make music that everyone can identify with. Ya know… making it rain, flying private, the usual.
5 Things Guys Should Stop Doing. Like, Now.
Seriously Though
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz • @getWITZit
If you’re a lady, which I have to assume you are since you read my articles on floral pants and hats with pom poms, let me know if you agree.
In the case that you’re a man, you were either
A) Forced to read this article (by me or your lady friend)
B) Just interested in what I’ve got to say. In which case hello to you and call me.
Boys, read on so you can feel our pain
Today we shall discuss a matter of the heart. Specifically, the mind games guys play that drive us girls absolutely CRAZY.
1. Learn How to Text
Stop being stupid about how you text us, especially when it comes to punctuation. I do not mean grammatically incorrect texts. Although, grammar crimes must come to an end.
Incorrect simply means using an exclamation point instead of a period in a sentence. The period makes you seem stern, unwelcoming and unexcited. See how we could misconceive that? The simple period usage could have us second-guessing what you truly mean by your message. From here, we cry over how to respond. Then we respond in such a way that is sneaky and flirty enough that ensures a response back. See how this vicious cycle works?
2. Don’t Be Mean. But Don’t Be Nice Either.
Well, be mean enough to keep us guessing. Be nice enough to ensure we enjoy your company without wanting to rip our hair out. No girl likes an asshole, but secretly every girl does. But this asshole must have a soft side, otherwise he’s going nowhere… except for the Jersey Shore. But don’t be overly affectionate.
Don’t be one of those weird novel-texters who checks up on his girl every five minutes to make sure her homework is going well. First of all, who does homework anymore? And secondly, if I wanted to read a novel, I’d actually read one. Maybe Fifty Shades of Grey.
3. Don’t Act Like You Don’t Know Me
If we’ve met, admit you remember my name. Here’s a scenario for you:
Girl meets boy. Boy buys girl drink. Girl and boy make out. Fun for everyone until the next time they meet…
Girl says hi to boy, in a cute way of course, because girls are perfect and never creepy or psychotic. Boy “forgets” girl’s name. No you didn’t, stupid boy. You remember. And for whatever reason you’re choosing to forget. But remember boys, girls are perfect and never creepy and never psychotic, so it would be totally normal for them to tell everyone how much you suck.
4. Don’t Act Like You’re The Shit
Thinking you are superior in every way. For example, when writing this article I had a small case of writer’s block. I needed a few more great examples of how guys suck mostly all of the time, so I turned to a professional. This professional is none other than a boy. I asked this boy for an example of something he does that isn’t favorable.
“Guys shouldn’t stop doing anything,” he began. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This was my aha moment.
5. Be a little less comfortable.
I’m so happy that you feel comfortable enough around me to be yourself. Truly, it’s magical. Just please, please, please, keep your bodily functions to yourself. That is all. Thank you.
How to be Fake
Fake it Til Ya Make It
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz • @getWITZit
Have you ever wanted to pretend to be someone you’re not? You can admit it. I’d love nothing more than to be a Kardashian. There are so many ways to go about being fake. But fakeness is not the goal here. Confused? Keep reading.
To ‘make it’ you must do a little faking . I am not telling you to be fake like high school girls. That’s no fun for anyone. What I am telling you to do is play mind games with others.
Obviously we’ll start by exploring “faking it” through fashion.
It’s impossible to assume everyone can afford the latest Christian Louboutins or the tightest Herve Leger dress. To assume makes an ass out of you and me.
With so many trendy boutiques and affordable online shopping sites these days, it’s easy to be hip and look ravishing without breaking the bank. Don’t worry. You’ll still look like you broke it with a hammer. Anyone?
My new obsession: Topshop.
It’s your destination for all things trendy, edgy and affordable. What could be better?
Topshop sells unique pieces sure to please anyone. Feeling frisky? Try some floral work pants. Feeling edgy? Try a studded blouse. Feeling invincible? Try some tribal MC Hammer pants. The world of Topshop truly is your oyster.
Think of it as an affordable version of the newest and coolest trends on the runway and on the streets. Deck yourself out in what’s hot, perhaps a pair of trendy overalls. They exist, I promise.
Try this season’s hot white and black trend with a skirt, blouse and thin black belt. Go for patterns and prints. Maybe you’ll even find your prints charming! OK, I’ll stop being so punny. Dress it up or dress it down with Topshop. You can even wow your friends in a simple t-shirt, kick ass printed shorts and buckled wedges.
Look your finest while sitting in class in their wondrous collection of over sized sweaters and wedge sneakers.
The moral of the Topshop story, although it was quite all over the place, is that you can look like a million bucks without spending it.
So shop your way to the top. My cleverness with that slogan never ceases to amaze me. Time to fake it till ya make it
America’s Weirdest Holidays, January – March
We’re far more than the greatest country in the world…
We’re also the greatest civilization that ever existed.
That’s why we have so much to celebrate!
So how does one go about creating a national holiday? Well, it takes a lot of work and literally an act of Congress. First you have to create a proposal and contact your local congress person. You have to get it onto the congressional agenda. Next you have to be patient. It takes a while.
That’s it. You can find your local representative by searching the US House of Representatives database.
There are a bunch of ‘fake’ national holidays that have been created and copyrighted for advertising purposes. But the list below are real from what we can tell.
January
03 Fruitcake Toss Day
08 Bubble Bath Day
Nothing beats sitting in a tub of your own filth, except sitting in a tub of your filth mixed with bubbles. The girl is a bonus.
09 Play God Day
Not enough people play God these days.
11 Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day
12 Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
[Insert wise-ass comment here]
14 Dress Up Your Pet Day
Or in the case of Long Island, Westchester, OC, LA and North Jersey housewives, and girls who go to school at Syracuse or UMD… Thursday.
19 National Popcorn Day
23 Measure Your Feet Day
Confucius say: Man who put foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue.
25 Opposite Day
Yup, there really is a legit opposite day.
27 Chocolate Cake Day
28 National Kazoo Day
We’ll show you a kazoo 😉
February
02 Ground Hog Day
No offense, but how did this become a legitimate holiday?
11 White T-Shirt Day
Or in the case of 2003 drug dealers… Tuesday.
12 Plum Pudding Day
13 Get a Different Name Day
Especially if you’ve just committed a crime.
18 National Battery Day
In Philly, they celebrate this multiple times during baseball season.
20 Cherry Pie Day
20 Hoodie Hoo Day
LOL really?
22 Be Humble Day
28 National Tooth Fairy Day (also August 22)
Also can be celebrated on Mother’s Day or Father’s day BECAUSE THE TOOTH FAIRY DOES NOT EXIST.
MARCH
01 Employee Appreciation Day first Friday in March
The other 364 days/year are “Take advantage of the help Day”
01 National Pig Day
05 Multiple Personality Day
06 Dentist’s Day
It’s always nice to have a good dentist.
08 Be Nasty Day
11 Worship of Tools Day
lol
16 Everything You Do is Right Day
Or for guy’s having conversations with their girlfriends… everyday.
20 Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
Yup… March 20th is the day we celebrate those who have been kidnapped by aliens wtf
25 Waffle Day
This might be the best one.
26 Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Someone paid their congress person a lot of money.
28 Something on a Stick Day
Stay tuned for April – June
Attention Fake Facebook Models: Here’s Your Chance to Be Legit
Open Casting Call for America’s Next Top Model
Apparently in today’s social media-saturated world, any semi decent-looking girl that knows someone with a DSLR camera is qualified to be a model. The days of walking the runway and doing product test shoots to get connected and build your portfolio are over… unless you want to actually get paid.
Working for free in search of your big break is one thing. Being a part of the fake Facebook model thing is just sad. Sorry ladies, models get paid to advertise branded merchandise. You just let creepy dudes claiming to be photographers take high res pics of your half-naked body, watermark them and post them on Facebook.
But there’s hope on America’s Next Top Model
You can be legit! The next round of America’s Next Top Model open casting calls will, for the first time, include both men and women! Guys – you could become the next Hansel or Billy Zane if you’ve got the goods!
Do you have what it takes? Show up to the open casting call on Saturday January 5, 2013 from 11AM – 4PM at the Fashion Center (Simon Mall) at 1100 S. Hayes St in Arlington, VA.
If you can’t make it, send an email including your name, age, height, weight, email address, phone number, alternate phone number, city you live in, and (3) photos of yourself (close up, full body, swimsuit) to CWTopModelCasting20@gmail.com
Subject Line: “First & Last Name, City, State you currently live in”
Download the Application | Review the Eligibility Requirements
for more info visit cwtv.com
Must-Have Winter Accessories for the Ladies
Ladies, Go Buy Now: Winter Accessories!
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Contrary to Mayan belief, we’re alive. Yay! So why not live our fapocalypse (fake apocalypse) free days in style? Time to vacation, time to twirl around or just time to face the cold weather head-on.
Why head-on? Because the tundra’s coming and you better be prepared, furry hat and all.
You’re used to style alerts and cues on how to hook up while out for a night clubbing in DC, but why not explore how to land a man or lady friend during daylight hours?
Sweaty club makeout sessions do not always lead to coffee dates… or anything in many cases. Sorry to be blunt.
This whole ‘daytime’ thing may sound crazy but let’s take it for a spin. Bundle up in your comfy scarfs, mittens and furry pom pom hats and allow your outfit to speak for itself. Only this time your outfit will be saying, “Come on over, come on over baby. I can warm you up. Jump into my fur coat.” Or something like that.
Where can I find the best winter accessories???
As a Free People-obsessed lady, it is hard for me to discourage the fact that their selection of winter accessories is to die for.
A huge necessity for the cold is an eternity scarf. What could be better than something you wrap around your neck that also promises commitment and a long-lasting bond? Its commitment is warmth, so commit to this scarf. Anthropologie also kills it with its selection.
If you’re a dude looking for a fancy beanie to cover your dome, look no further than American Apparel or Urban Outfitters. They have fancy styles to last all freaking winter long.
Oh… we forgot the best part. Not only do these accessories keep you warm in the brutal winter months, but they also make you trendy. YES, trendy! Our main goal in life. So, DC lovin’ friends, go forth in your eternity scarves, fingerless gloves and hats that sound like vegetables (beanie?) because winter is waiting for your arrival.
Rap Music Resets w/ Loosies
Loosies are Legal Again w/ Fool’s Gold Records
Coming out on A-Trak and Nick Catchdubs’ Fool’s Gold label, Loosies features some fresh ones from Araabmuzik, Juicy J, Jim Jones, El-P and many more. And it comes on a custom USB stick shaped like a cigarette (available 12/18 at store.foolsgoldrecs.com)
Never heard of Casey Veggies? Neither had we ’til we heard that track. But damn, how refreshing was that? Not just ’cause of the sauna either. The way rap has been heading, well… not that we don’t love poppy, sing-songy, dance rap (hi Flo-rida). We’re #justsayin. Some music is for the club, some music is for the car, some music is for the crib. Right?
At 15, A-trak was the youngest world turntable champion ever. At 22 he signed on to be Kanye’s tour DJ. Now he’s everywhere with everyone. He’s got the right resume to assist in the revival of rap.
Loosies is a who’s who of new school players from across the country. Get familiar with Gita, World’s Fair, Roach Gigz and more. With A-Trak and Flosstradamus getting in on it, Loosies also appeals to the new school of bass music fans who are into the whole ‘Trap’ thing.
“One of the things I’m most fond of with Fool’s Gold is our extended family… Our foundation is in hip hop and the talent around us in incredible. Loosies is raw, unadulterated rap from the dudes who hang out with us backstage at Day Off.”
– A-Trak
“I love that friends who were with us from the start like Trackademicks and Chuck Inglish have beats on this alongside Party Supplies and Brenmar,”
– Nick Catchdubs.
Loosies is available on December 18 at store.foolsgoldrecs.com
Track Listing:
1. GrandeMarshall “Kelly Green” (Produced by Milo)
2. A-Trak feat. Juicy J, Jim Jones, Flatbush Zombies, El-P & Flosstradamus “Piss Test (Remix)” (Produced by A-Trak & Flosstradamus)
3. Danny Brown “Molly Ringwald” (Produced by AraabMUZIK)
4. Chase N Cashe “This & That” (Produced by Chase N Cashe)
5. Troy Ave “Viking” (Produced by Marce Reazon)
6. Freeway “Dedicated” (Produced by Chad “Wes” Hamilton)
7. Action Bronson feat. Big Body Bes “Twin Peugots” (Produced by Party Supplies)
8. Flatbush Zombies “36 Chamber Flow” (Produced by Erick Arc Elliott)
9. Problem “8 Feet Tall” (Produced by Problem)
10. Donnis “Knockout” (Produced by Cadenza)
11. World’s Fair “Tip Jar” (Produced by Nick Catchdubs)
12. Casey Veggies “Sauna” (Produced by Chuck Inglish)
13. Hongry “Sunshine & Kushsmoke” (Produced by DJ Fresh)
14. Chuck Inglish feat. Da$h & Retch “Four 12s” (Produced by Chuck Inglish)
15. Freddie Gibbs feat. H-Trae “All Types” (Produced by D-Edge)
16. Gita “Let That” (Produced by DJ Two $tacks)
17. EMP DASME “Had A Dream” (Produced by Brenmar)
18. King L “Talkin Foolish” (Produced by DJ L)
19. Roach Gigz “Get Off Me” (Produced by Trackademicks)
20. MondreMAN of Main Attrakionz “Money First” (Produced by Nem720)
21. Western Tink “Trill Hoe” (Produced by Beautiful Lou)
22. Droop-E “Mind Gone” (Produced by Droop-E & ISSUE)
More Man Code
“A man’s gotta have a code.”
– Omar, Season 4 Episode 7
Failure to follow man code will result in watching Sunday parades with umbrellas in your drink in a hair salon waiting room.
(check out the original man-law standards including urinal etiquette and banging your boy’s ex)
Umbrellas
2 men may never share an umbrella.
Posting Bail
Unless the charge is murder, you must bail your friends out of jail within (24) hours.
Waiting time
If your boy asks you to “wait a minute,” the minimum time you must wait is (3) minutes. The max is (5).
Birthday Gifts
No man should have to buy his friends actual birthday presents. Remembering is good enough.
Televised Sports
It’s ok to ask the score of a game, but never who is playing. Think about it.
Undergarments
You can only go commando if you’re coming from ‘somewhere.’ No exceptions. That goes for Britney as well.
Compliments
There are two ways to compliment a man on his physical appearance. Decide for yourself which one is correct:
“Hey Joe, your arms are looking great!”
“Damn bro, you’re killing it at the gym!”
Road trips
The fact that someone is driving does not make them exempt from paying for gas
Food
Eating healthy is unmanly. This double bacon cheeseburger pizza is awe-inspiring.
On the Battle field
Men are required to fall on grenades, but will have their tabs paid for. You are only required to sacrifice yourself for (4) songs. If your boy ends up going home with a grenade, it is never to be spoken of… unless its like this:
Getting Home
If your DD finds a girl to take home, find another way to get your drunk ass back.
Rules of the Man-Hug
1. One pat, behind the back
2. Max (3) pats
3. No lingering
4. Absolutely no facial contact
Getting Check Out
You must silently let your friend know if a girl is looking his way
Don’t Be That Guy
At the Club:
The Creeper
Did you just buy a girl a drink and then follow her around for the rest of the night? Bro… don’t be that guy.
The Groper
Do you run around the club grabbing random girls’ asses? Come on man. Don’t be that guy. Eventually you’ll get your ass beat.
The Meathead
Is it that hot in the club? Has your shirt come off and now you’re a tough guy in a wife beater? Don’t be that guy, man.
The Cheap Ass Dude
Did you tip the bartender $0 last time around but now expect prompt service? F not being that guy. Just don’t do that sh*t.
Whipped
Did you just bring your girlfriend to guy’s night out? Wow dude. Don’t be that guy. But mad props if your girlfriend is Betty White.
The Backdoor Bandit
Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you just a creep? Don’t be that guy
With the Ladies:
Premature
Did you get a girl’s number last night? Are you about to call/text her the next day? Seriously. Don’t be that guy.
Honk & Holler
Did you just honk your horn at those random girls walking down the street? Honestly bro… don’t be that guy. All bets are off if they have a sign, though.
The Parking Lot Pimp
Are you too broke to go to the club so you stand in the parking lot and hit on drunk chicks as they leave? Don’t be that guy.
The Facebook Loser
Do you hit on girls you don’t know through Facebook messages? LOL. Do you start talking shit when they don’t respond? LLOOOOLLLL. Don’t be that guy.
We have a really great article on this coming soon 😉
At the Gym:
The Grunter
Do you scream and grunt incredibly loud every time you push or pull a weight? Come on man. Don’t be that guy.
The Coach
Do you walk around giving random people workout tips? Once or twice/year, ok. Otherwise mind your own f***in business. Don’t be that guy.
The Narcissist
Do you spend more time flexing in the mirror than you do working out? Don’t be that guy.
Guido Gym Rat
Did you spike your hair before coming to the gym? Don’t be that guy.
Homoerotic Gym Rat
Do you and your boy video tape each other and then compliment yourselves on your form? Cause 2 guys at the Georgetown Law School gym actually do that. Don’t be those guys.
Who? Me? I’m Hot?
For the ladies – Are you wearing yoga pants and trying to act like your ass doesn’t look like god’s gift to the earth? Don’t be that chick.
In General:
The One-Upper
Did you just one-up someone’s ‘last night was crazy’ story with an exaggerated version of something that happened 5 years ago? Get a life. Don’t be that guy.
