Bring on the hate, hip-hop’s funeral looms!

You’d think with Obama’s two terms and racial barriers being torn down faster than Miley can twerk, hip-hop would be on the rise, part of the fabric of America even. In reality, hip-hop’s about as popular as George Bush, which is to say, unless you are in Texas, about as attractive as the Notorious B.I.G. in a thong thong thong thong thong bikini.  You’re welcome for that visual and I bet the ‘Thong Song’ will be in your head all day.

I once had to recite a poem of my choice in a middle school English class and as a white girl in the middle of nowhere America, naturally I recited Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’.  Since I stole the cassette copy from my older brother, I figured that counted as effort on my part of this assignment. Let’s say that’s about as close to hip-hop as I’ve ever been, but in those days I was the odd one out.  Now it seems the masses have evolved and are ditching hip-hop.

Though, hip-hop sure had its heyday, but with the explosion of EDM, the resurgence of the boy bands, and the classics who will never die, like the Rolling Stones still touring, hip-hop’s popularity has plummeted and is now like a gnat that is barely there, but annoyingly still buzzing around your head.

If you are still a hip-hop hanger on, you should probably stop reading this because you will most likely be super offended because you probably have a poster of Tu Pac hanging above your futon and believe he is still alive.   You may in fact be compelled to write a nasty comment on this post, something like

“EDM sucks, I smoked my first blunt, tapped my first hoe, rolled in my first ‘6 4’, while listening to my dog Lil’  (insert any ridiculously unoriginal “artist” name here).”

Your pants were probably so low at the time, with your boxers and full moon hanging out, that we can’t blame you for the loss of sanity at the moment.  And, in a nutshell that’s what is wrong with this country.

Let’s dive right into the controversy head on and investigate, ten reasons why hip-hop is dead.  There’s tons more reasons, but I’ll save that for another article when I feel the need to piss off the masses, or the maybe 500 people left who still listen to hip-hop.  I can feel your rage!

1. When Miley Cyrus is more gangster and booty popping than your hoes, you got to go!

Miley who has dominated social media since her and her giant tongue took over the MTV awards, left her Disney cocoon and emerged a bona fide wigger- she gangsta foo!  Though about as gangster as Vanilla Ice ice baby, she’s got more airtime than any dried up hip-hop video slobs have lately.  Though you may long for the days of bootlicious rump shaking from Destiny’s child or slutty video sensations from 2 Live Crew to get you ‘face down ass up’, hip-hop has taken a back seat so grab your mix tape from the 1990’s, pump up the jam with Baby Face and cry yourself to sleep as your hip-hop dreams go up in flames just like Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes’ boyfriend’s home.

Tip: Raver girls are hotter than ratchet chics!

2.  Same ol’ Same.

Zero creativity. Hip-hop went from rhymes with a message to straight up same old same- nightclubs, popping champagne, gold teeth, tigers (this is where you jump in PETA), jets, and cash.  Every song and every video became the same ass shaking, earth quaking scene we’ve seen a million times.  Even the names of the ‘artists’ have zero originality.  Everyone is a ‘Lil’ this or a ‘Big’ that or a ‘Young’ whatever…here’s mine ‘Big Old Bitter Peazy’. I’m sure there’s an app for that.  I mean, come on- use a thesaurus.  But I guess if you’re as hardcore as some of these gangsters claim, then spelling, the quest for the perfect synonym, and monotony is probably lost of you! Just so you know I’m not making this up, for your review:

Lil Kim, Lil Mama, Lil Rob, Lil Troy, Lil Wayne, Lil Romeo, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Scrappy, Lil Flip, Lil Wyte, Lil Boosie, Lil Fizz, Lil Jon, Lil Twist, Lil B, Lil Chuckee, Lil Keke, Lil Zane

Yungstar, Young Buck, Young Joc, Young MC, Young Dro, Young Jeezy
Young L, BeYoung

Guess what?  One day you will no longer be ‘Lil’ or ‘Young’ you will be big, fat and old, and probably broke just like the rest of the world, but since your career in hip-hop won’t have longevity, kudos for your short sight.  Hey you can always pluck those gold teeth out of your face and resell!

3.  Record companies don’t want to pay for your bling bling!

With the downward spiral of record sales across every genre of music, hip-hops over the top music video budgets are a thing of the past.  We saw it with rock music from the hey days of the Sunset Strip and hair bands making over the top music videos and who received insane record deals and cash advances as their albums sold into the tens of millions they hit platinum.  Then Seattle grunge exploded and leaving rock and aqua net circling the drain.

Similarly, hip hop broke into popular consciousness, record deals and video budget hit the millions, but just like rock, hip hop is headed in a downward spiral.  Record companies are not backing hip-hop like they used to, because guess what nobody is buying records anymore.  Record companies are no longer getting the return on hip-hop so why would they shell out millions for their insane and unoriginal music videos.

Even women beater Chris Brown spoke of the video budgets going from near millions to $50,000 with all the bling bling you just can’t do it.

Yeah fly in a tiger from South Africa, then I want to coat my body in gold and fly in on a helicopter into a nightclub where there will be giant asses and patron and Crystal and well you know, every video is pretty much the same.  Ain’t nobody got cash for that!

4.  Nas saw the future with his album entitled – Hip-Hop is Dead

Let’s call Nas a prophet! Wait, Nas was he the one with the Band-Aid on his face? Who can keep these people straight? But if someone in your own camp is proclaiming from on top his high horse that hip-hop is dead, and he hates the people in hip-hop, it’s not a good sign.  He might as well say ‘this record sucks’.  Not like others have not already jumped the hip-hop ship by clinging on to other music genres in hopes of resurrecting their sinking ship.  Think of all the new calabos, which we will investigate in the next reason why hip-hop stinks of formaldehyde. Nas we will calmly await your country album, since after all Nascar and country music are America.

5.   If you can’t beat em, join em!  

With today’s hip-hop artists singing or rapping over pop-infused EDM tracks, many have wondered if the essence of hip-hop is still thriving anymore.

Electronic dance music has exploded in every club, festival, and party so in an effort to remain relevant hip-hop is clinging to EDM DJs and producers.  So as hip-hop decreases in popularity and is being pushed out of clubs, at least they have the sense to desperately cling to EDM Djs.  And we gotta say some of these collaborations have turned out some killer tunes.

There’s “Shots Go Off” Cypress Hill and Rusko, “Sweat” David Guetta featuring Snoop Dogg, “Wobble” Travis Porter (produced by Diplo), “Rock Steady” Diplo Featuring Action Bronson, Riff Raff, Mr. MFN Exquire and Nicky Da B, “Wild For The Night” A$AP Rocky featuring Skrillex, “Vava Vroom” BassNectar featuring Lupe Fiasco, One (Your Name)” – Swedish House Mafia featuring Pharrell, and Kanye sampling Daft Punk. Then there are producers like Heroes x Villains and Carnage that can jump between these worlds with no effort. Nicki Minaj rhyming on Chase & Status records, or Snoop Dogg actually collaborating with Chase & Status.

Though, rap and hip-hop fans may not like the less hardcore nature of these mix and match pairings, EDM fans are more understanding and open to change. This current climate of electronic music was built around people who have had doors shut in their faces for years, but who’s laughing now!

6.  Paris Hilton is a member of Young Money.

Socialite and Richie rich Hilton sister, Paris has indeed signed to Lil’ Wayne’s record label Young Money/Cash Money, as we nervously await her first release.  Thinking, ‘Stars are Blind’ with a rap solo?

Hold your breath, in the teaser for her new single “Good Time,” Paris sings over some generic synths.  Then, on the next track, sung by someone else, the true lyrical genius erupts with this poetic excerpt:

“Are you having a good time? / ‘Cause I’m having a good time / And I might be a bit tipsy / But that’s okay ’cause you’re with me.”

I’m overcome with emotion! Thanks P Hil, but if hip hop’s barely breathing, Paris Hilton’s 15 minutes is long gone, so her life support can’t resuscitate you’re diseased genre.  But don’t feel bad, even Kanye West had to knock up a Kardashian to stay relevant, now that’s commitment Cue the funeral remix!

7.  Lil Jon turned club DJ and reality tv star-  Wait, “What!”, “Yeah!”, “Okay!”

American rapper, record producer, and entrepreneur who was a member of the group Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz is quite possibly recognized more today for his appearances on Celebrity Apprentice or for his touring as an international club DJ, and he’s not spinning solely hip hop. Remember when he came to Ultrabar?

Lil’ Jon also partnered with Zumba Fitness to create a new nightclub tour titled “Zumba Nightclub Series” and released a new song called “Work” for the fitness program.  At least he has the foresight to branch out from his rapper roots as hip-hop nosedives.

8.  Un-relatable Rhymes

Back in the day hip-hoppers and rappers rhymed about what they knew, where they came from, the struggle of the streets.  They gained mass appeal from the people who could relate to their stories of strife.  Though the everyday buyer of their records may or may not have been dodging gunfire or wearing gang colors, most could relate to tough times.

Then there was the fun poppy hip hop every white girl could get down with, the Beyoncé’s, the Salt N’ Peppers, to TLC (you know you jam to ‘Waterfalls’), but now everything is turning into cash, club, and excess.  Every song is about taking a shot or banging a hoe, popping bottles and flaunting their wealth, like literally just throwing cash into the air. What is that?  Your main audience who is still in the hood trying to get by can’t relate with your unapologetic filthy display of excess.  Get back to your roots or enjoy the slaughter!

9.  Bashing the Grammy’s

Though Jay Z lead all artists with nine total nominations for his 2013 release Magna Carta…Holy Grail, none of those nominations are in the so-called Big Three categories: Song of the Year, Album of the Year or Record of the Year.  Even our favorite wigger Miley was snubbed all together.

Then you have abomination of the century, save Osama Bin Ladin, Kayne West who slapped Grammy in the face with “The Grammys can suck my d–k,” despite winning for taking home a number or awards.  I picture him stomping his feet like a spoiled little brat- Wah! He is pretty little.

Add that to EDMs ever rising presence at the Grammy’s with Skirellex taking home three in 2013. And we can’t forget the 2012 Grammy’s where deadmau5 and David Guetta performed alongside the Foo Fighters and Usher.

So here we go again, for music’s most elite award ceremony coming up in 2014 with the obvious DJ nominees who make the roster again for Best Dance Album and Best Dance Recording categories, including Calvin Harris, Kaskade and Daft Punk, along with Pretty Lights, Disclosure and Duke Dumont.

As EDM creeps into the popular conscious and gains some footing with the Grammy’s they do so humbly which is more than we can say for the bombastic arrogance hip hoppers and rappers display.

10.  Hip-hop and rap take a back seat in the club and concert circuit

Unsurprisingly, there were zero Rap tours in the top 100 North American tours of 2013.  And according to Billboard, the top grossing tours of 2013 show minimal sightings of hip hop:

Bon Jovi, Pink, Bruce Springsteen, Rihanna, The Rolling Stones, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Depeche Mode, Kenny Chesney, Roger Waters, One Direction, Justin Bieber, Madonna, Jay Z and Justin Timberlake, Paul McCartney, Fleetwood Mac, Maroon 5, Dave Matthews Band, Andre Rieu, Jason Aldean, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, Luke Bryan, and Iron Maiden

Not to mention, a 2013 study by Massive Enterprises estimates global dance festival revenue at $4.5 billion dollars. It’s also worth noting that a significant portion of the growth of digital music sales—considered the music industry’s savior—is easily attributable to the digital growth of EDM.

Going beyond tours, hip-hop has taken a major backseat in nightclubs and music festivals.  Whereas hip-hop used to monopolize the main areas of nightclubs, they are often pushed into a smaller capacity room if not thrown out all together.  With EDM DJs bringing in the masses and the money to nightclubs and festivals, which would want to deal with the drama of the hip-hop nights? You know your gonna need a metal detector and extra security, and who wouldn’t rather just deal with a bunch of sweaty kids in neon with dilated pupils?

…….

So for those of you still clinging to the sinking ship of hip hop, worried that EDM will kill rap and hip-hop, you’re right, it will.  Hip-hop’s greed driven culture has opened the floodgates for electronic DJ’s cash rich stars to creatively trump the genre all together.

But, like all things in this crazy world, things disappear and come back around for round two.  Just think about those camel toe high waist jeans that girls are unfortunately sporting these days, they had their rise and fall in the 80s and have returned with vengeance.  So maybe hip-hop won’t die, but rather be cryogenically frozen and thawed for a future time.  Hopefully, I’ll be long gone, or deaf.