The Worst Places You Can Wind Up After a Night Out in DC
We’ve all had those nights where you go out with the best of intentions…
I’m not going to drink ‘too’ much, I have to work tomorrow, I have that marathon to run, or I’m meeting my parents for brunch…
Cut to, winding up in an undisclosed basement in Centreville, a strip club in Baltimore, the slammer or worse. We know it happens to the best of us, so let’s commiserate on some of the worst places party goers (not you of course- wink wink) can wind up after a night in the nation’s capital.
The Suburbs After Party
Nothing like waking up in the butt crack Northern Virginia. Seems like most after parties wind up somewhere way too far south or north of DC. You come out of your after party haze, like where the hell am I? Siri? Google Maps? Yellow Cab? There are kids outside playing in the neighboring yard and there you are stumbling out of a Centreville basement with the rest of the zombies. Keep it classy!
Baltimore Strip Club
This is one area that Baltimore excels, there’s Score’s, Larry Flynt’s Hustler, well you dirty boys know them all by memory. It all sounded like a great idea until the sun comes up and you’re broke and in Baltimore, even the strippers have gone to bed, and your ride home will be a true test of your manhood.
Honey Pig
Damn you 24 hours! Korean BBQ sometimes sounds like a good idea when you’ve had a few too many, but then you wake up ten pounds fatter, and somehow your hair and clothes are covered in a sticky layer of grease, just like your insides.
The Streets of DC Walk O’ Shame
We’ve all done this victory lap. But perhaps no other city in the country is the walk of shame, more shameful than the nation’s capital. Why? Because you cannot avoid the DC political type, suited up, conservative office types rushing to work, and yuppie mommies with baby carriages giving you disapproving looks, all this on the mean streets of DC. For comparison’s sake, walk of shame in NYC or LA, not so bad, there’s tons more freaks and geeks to blend in with.
The Drunk Tank
Your night out antics sometimes wind up with a good old-fashioned trip to the po po. Quite possibly the worst place on earth to end your night is the police station, so don’t drink and drive and quit it with the bar brawls because this one is the gift that keeps on giving- Mug shots!
Your Ex’s Bed
How did this happen? You check your phone. Drunken texting will get you every time. Good luck sneaking out before that stage five clinger wakes up!
The Hospital
You definitely shouldn’t have worn those 5-inch heels out while trying to twerk at Echostage. But hopefully you looked good doing it, before the fall…
NYC
Washingtonians are lucky to be able to easily take a car, bus, train, or short flight to New York City. But you know what’s not easy? – Deciding to head to the big apple mid way through your night out in DC and realizing it’s a long way home. It always seems like a great idea at the time…
The Tow Company
DC loves to tow cars, they really really enjoy ticketing and towing, so if you don’t obey the signs and the times, you’re likely to wind up in a really seedy area on DC begging for your car back. Or they might just ticket it and tow it to another street, which will have you walking aimlessly around the district like, Dude Where’s My Car?
Downtown Chinatown
There’s that one Chinese restaurant in Chinatown that will keep serving you vodka red bulls after hours until you’re peeing yourself. So, that fried rice that was supposed to sober you up and end your evening out, turns into drunken rocket fuel, and then any of the previous scenarios will be geared into action.
Hey Mr. DJ, What’s Your DJ Relationship Status
Rock stars have their groupies and today’s mega DJs are not immune to the wave of girls and boys trying to get in the pants of their favorite musical artists. To play the groupie game correctly, you better go in with some good insight in their personal lives. Is your favorite DJ married, engaged, or flying solo?
You better find out before you get a stiletto up your butt from the real women in these DJ’s lives. Check out their relationship status here then proceed with your infatuation, you sickos!
Tiësto
For those of you who want to “Just Be” with Tiësto, now’s your chance. Until early 2006, Tiësto was in a relationship with Dutch model Monique Spronk, two years later, a Dutch newspaper announced that Tiësto and his girlfriend Stacey Blokzijl were going to get married on October 10, 2008 in Cartagena, Colombia. He proposed to her in December 2007 while they were visiting Mauritius. But then, Tiësto cancelled his wedding because he claimed to have a busy schedule and too little time for the preparations, which led to Blokzijl breaking off the engagement.
Tiësto is now an ordained minister, so that we can marry a winning couple in the city most infamous for extraordinary weddings, Las Vegas! You can also catch Tiesto LIVE at the Thank You Festival June 26, 2014 at Merriweather Post Pavillion.
Steve Aoki
The champagne spraying, crowd surfing DJ has been engaged to Australian model Tiernan Cowling since 2010. Currently the electro house musician, Grammy nominated record producer and the founder of Dim Mak Records is still engaged.
You can check her out in action here, in a really weird video and Steve Aoki LIVE at Echostage June 21, 2014 in DC.
Armin
On 18 September 2009, Van Buuren married Erika van Thiel, with whom he had been together for nine years. Their daughter Fenna was born in July 2011, and their son Remy in July 2013. Wonder who the DJ was at the wedding. Sorry ladies this one’s off the market.
Need more proof, watch the wedding tape:
Calvin Harris
According to Forbes, Harris was the highest paid DJ of 2013, grossing an estimated $46 million- WOW! Plus, it looks like he’s just as lucky in love, as the affection between Calvin Harris and Rita Ora runs deep!
In an issue of Elle UK, the beautiful blonde Brit is confessed that her current and only love made her feel something she’s never experienced before, love….awe…
But will it last? Apparently she doesn’t like his music.
Deamau5
In September 2012, Deadmau5 (Zimmerman) began dating Kat Von D. On December 15, 2012, Zimmerman proposed to Von D via Twitter, and they announced that they would marry in August 2013 with an aquatic-themed wedding. They both have several matching tattoos, including the numbers “289m3d22h” on both of their arms, which is sentimental to the day that they met, as well as two black stars underneath their eyes. Zimmerman moved to Los Angeles to live with Von D. In June 2013, Von D announced that they had ended their engagement.
Kat n Mouse…
Avicci
Looks like Avicci (Tim Goldberg) actually dated one of DC’s finest, a GWU graduate back in 2012. But these days, the 24-year-old has switched from team blonde to team brunette with his main squeeze, Raquel Battencort. He reportedly bought a 14 million dollar house in LA because Raquel “had to live here”. The home is even called ‘Casa Bettencourt’.
David Guetta
Catherine Lobé, better known as Cathy Guetta, is a French former discotheque manager, events organizer and socialite. She and mega the DJ have worked on music projects during their marriage and have two children, Angie Guetta, and Tim Elvis Eric Guetta. Though recent reports say the couple divorced in March 2014. News of the split comes just a few short years after the couple renewed their vows in August 2012 in Ibiza.
Afrojack
Afrojack has a daughter Vegas (2012) with his ex-girlfriend Amanda Balk. In April 2014 he was linked to Anouk, a Dutch singer-songwriter and producer, who’s currently pregnant with her fifth child.Is it Afrojacks? Don’t forget the DJ also dated miss Paris Hilton back in 2011.
Laidback Luke
After a first marriage, he announced on the maiden voyage of Holy Ship! that he was engaged to Gina Turner and they married on October 1, 2012 at The View, Piermont, New York. Turner is also a DJ and one half of Nouveau Yorican, a musical side project with her husband Laidback Luke, and half of the DJ duo Staccato. She is also the head of Turn It Records. Talk about a match made in musical heaven!
Kaskade
Kaskade met his wife and fellow snowboarder, Naomi at the University of Utah. Apparently Naomi was hestitant about her husband Ryan Raddon using the name Kaskade as it could remind people of dish detergent. Throughout the years of his success, Ryan and Naomi have maintained their relationship. Currently, they are married and together have three daughters.
Ferry Corsten
The Dutch DJ has been married to Lia Colayco since 2010. He talked about Donate And Dance, an evening with popularly known DJ’s to raise money for the victims in the Philippines.
You can see her in action in this video clip from a Dutch daily talk show. You won’t have any clue what they are saying, but it’s still an action shot.
Worst Pool Parties Ever
The pool party, a staple of summer fun can quickly turn sinister, or at least become, the worst pool party ever. Don’t believe us? What if your pool party ended with an elephant invasion, a coma, blindness, fat Mermaids and a severed hand?
The No Water in the Pool Party
“Water appears to be a critical element in the enjoyment of aquatic style parties. I can tell you that the ‘no diving’ signs quite possibly saved my life, though.”
I know how much all of you HATE to read, but you MUST read this one lady’s account of her waterless pool party she threw herself when her apartment complex STILL hadn’t fill the pool by June 22.
Overcrowded Wave Pool Party
Trying to keep cool amidst a scorching heat wave, the Japanese flock to Tokyo Summerland, a popular water park that’s home to the world’s most crowded wave pool. During the summer, it’s been said that there’s so many people jammed in there that it’s hard to find water (what about pee?) inside the pool! It’s literally a sea of heads.
Toxic Cloud Pool Party
Seven people fainted, six are ok but one 21-year-old was in a coma.
Say what? Jägermeister threw a pool party in Mexico and dumped liquid nitrogen into the pool. Moments later, limp bodies were dragged out of the pool. Nitrogen displaced oxygen from the air above the pool, leaving none for the swimmers to breathe. The guests were thus inhaling noxious nitrogen gas — and were essentially being asphyxiated.
Foam Party
A foam party serves no purpose outside of an underage Cancun nightclub or a struggling Frat house where nerds hopelessly try to get to second base with girls drunk on wine coolers. True story!
In a Naples, FL, nightclub, 40 people ended up in the ER after revelers experienced an intense burning in their eyes, plus temporary blindness. “I felt like I had shards of glass in my eyes,” said one 22-year-old. Officials think the soap used wasn’t properly diluted. So much for good, clean fun.
A Good-Ol’ Fashioned Severed Hand Party
A 34-year-old makeup artist for a theater company had the bright idea to prank his 15-year-old niece by planting a mutilated and severed “hand” in the middle of her birthday party. The Mirror reported that “officers cordoned off the grim scene after horrified neighbors discovered the bloody ‘hand’, which had its finger, chopped off,” and the bloody stump was “put into evidence bags and forensics teams were radioed.” The man later apologized for stirring up such a ruckus, and, presumably, for being the worst uncle in the world.
Fat Mermaid Pool Party
Mermaids have adorned events at adult parties and entertained at children’s parties for years. But you know what nobody likes, a fat Mermaid. It’s just plain dangerous.
Truckin’ Pool Party
Have you ever been to a tailgate and seen the fun-loving folks who put a tarp in their truck bed and filled it up with water? While the truck-pool might look like a ton of fun, what you don’t know is that the improvised aboveground is doing a number on your truck.
Elephant Crashed My Pool Party
Nothing brings a pool party to a halt quite like an elephant draining your pool. But hey at least he didn’t pee in the pool.
But apparently this happens all the time in Africa…
Blow-Up Pool Party
Living in a concrete jungle doesn’t excuse adults stuffed into an inflatable pool with cans of beer in koozies. There’s no filtration or chlorine so you’re basically stewing in a disease-ridden cesspool and no matter anyone will admit to, someone ALWAYS pees in the pool.
Virtual Pool Party
Just when you thought the inflatable pool party was possibly the saddest, we hit you with the virtual pool party. There is a whole world out there that is only lived online. Take Sims for example, it’s a virtual world for complete shut-ins and agoraphobics.
The Most Annoying Things People Say on Social Media & Beyond
ENOUGH ALREADY!
It’s annoying, it’s out there, it assaults you on social media and even spills into actual “real” life outside the confines of your computer, it’s why people roll their eyes at you, de-friend you on Facebook, un-follow you on Twitter, and just generally dislike you. It’s the MOST annoying things you have to STOP doing on social media and beyond.
That’s what she said
This is on the top of the list, quite possibly the one I hear that sends a chill of hatred up my spine at the very mention. We can blame “The Office” and Steve Carrell for Michael Scott’s catchphrase, “That’s what she said”. It’s overused and poorly used.
“I watched Spiderman 2 at the theater today!” Response- “That’s what she said!”
And we all know people who say it after everything someone says, waiting for a high five or a fist pump. Just…don’t.
Hashtagging
Damn you Twitter! The hashtag symbol (#) is used as a virtual filing system on Twitter, and should NEVER be used in non-virtual conversations, or on Facebook.
“That hashtag ‘SoulCycle’ workout was hashtag ‘amazing’, but it totally hashtag ‘KickedMyAss’ and did you see that girl’s hashtag ‘BigButt’ in the hastag ‘FrontRow’? It was a total hashtag ‘Throw Back Thursday’ moment!”
Willy Wonka vs Dos Equis Guy
There needs to be a boxing match between Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder- 80 years old) and The Most Interesting Man in the World (Jonathan Goldsmith- 75 years old) to duke it out for who is the most OVERUSED photo on text graphic on the web! Who do you think would win?
[Enter choice debasing divider here] Problems
Everyone’s got problems these days! White girl problems, black girl problems, rich people problems, poor people problems, gay boy problems, and all kinds of problems. Talk about segregation, I thought we were all moving towards equality? But at least there’s one thing people agree on, no matter the race, gender, or sexual orientation we all love to bitch about our issues! Blog bitching #WhiteGirlProblems
I Run [“your” city here]
But do you really? Are you an elected official? Can they even do anything? What exactly do you run? Because by the looks of the people who typically say this, including, but not limited to at least one reality show character on every reality show ever (especially the Bad Girls Club), you don’t run sh*t! The only thing you’re qualified to run is your own bad decisions right into the ground. Not even the counter at Burger King or maybe a forklift, but probably not. No definitely not heavy machinery.
Sunday Funday
Sunday really made a comeback from the latter known “Lord’s Day” when you’d get in your Sunday’s Best, this may even include a bonnet and head to church or at least grab some cheap pancakes at IHOP. Now’s it’s done a total 180, and reemerged as a booze fueled day of debauchery and lard dripping brunching. Basically an extension of Saturday night, a day you’ll commonly see nightclub zombies roaming the streets in last nights clothes, shameless to the fact they are wearing black pleather pants to the Waterfront. We have no problem with this, but ‘Sunday Funday’ as a term is stupid. It’s right up there with ‘Tuesday Boozeday’ and ‘Winesday Wednesday’, and you know who uses the term ‘Winesday Wednesday’? Kathie Lee Gifford=not cool!
Ninjas and Wizards
These are words that should never leave the roundtable where you play Dungeons and Dragons in your mom’s basement.
I’m a “Computer Ninja”, “or a PR Wizard”…
Ninja- A ninja (忍者?) or shinobi (忍び?) was a covert agent or mercenary in feudal Japan. The functions of the ninja included espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, and open combat in certain situations.
Wizard– A man who has magical powers, especially in legends and fairy tales.
That’s all.
Food Porn
Food porn, or the doubly annoying #FoodPorn is the pits! Posting pictures of food on social media is acceptable for anyone in the food service industry. We’ll even let it fly for non-industry folk who post a meal they had in a food service establishment, or if you can actually cook something presentable. But the worst is when people cook a homemade meal that consists of boiled chicken, cream corn and a piece of white bread and they think the all greyish beige blob on a paper plate is worthy of a five-star restaurant. Food is not porn, nobody wants to see a banana and a grapefruit doing the nasty, and if you do, you’re sicker than we thought.
Gasm
Which leads us to foodgasms…adding “-gasm” to pretty much any noun doesn’t make sense.
“That DJ, like totally gave me an ‘ear-gasm’!” ßSTUPID
The same goes for foodgasm, travelgasm, and shoegasm, thus the only acceptable is gasm is an Orgasm. I think we can all agree with that one.
Watergate it
And lastly, here’s one for the DC nerds. Nixon’s 1970’s f*ck up with the Watergate scandal, has boomeranged it’s way back into pop culture, social media, and political journalism. Get over it!
“Someone broke my back gate and took my shovel. Scandalous. GateGate?”
Nipplegate, Antennagate, Monicagate, Troopergate, #Weinergate, Puppygate
Watergate is a hotel in Washington DC, this makes no sense used in any other way.
The Most Expensive Drinks in the World
We’ve all heard this conversation before:
OMG $14 for a drink, that’s crazy, like you could buy a whole bottle of vodka for what 2 drinks cost!
Yes, yes you can, and that’s appropriate for a house party, or an alcoholic homeless person, but when you’re at a nightclub, lounge or restaurant in any major city from Tokyo, to London, and NYC to LA, you pay up, because let’s face it, your friend and his iPod don’t stack up to the big time entertainment clubs are pumping through their doors every week.
BUT, if you think your tab is expensive when you hit the clubs, check out some of these ridiculous prices for some of the most expensive drinks and bottles in the World and get ready to max out your credit cards.
CHAMPAGNE
Armand de Brignac Midas
$194,275
The “Ace of Spades” as it’s called is a 30-liter bottle (that’s equal to 40 regular sized bottles) of Armad de Brignac Midas, which doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like Moet (pronounced “mow-ette” not “mow-eh”), or Veuve, but for that price nobody’s judging. Weighing in at 99 pounds (probably the weight of your cocktail waitress) this bottle’s going to need some muscle to get to your table.
VODKA
Diva Vodka
$1 Million
Blinged out in Swarovski crystals that run through the middle of the bottle, and can be used as a garnish for the drink, push this Scotland-based Vodka to the Million-dollar mark! Plus, this alcohol wasn’t made in a prison toilet. It’s ice filtered and then it is passed through Nordic birch charcoal then filtered through sand that contains precious and semi-precious gems.
RUM
Legacy by Angostura
$25,000
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Or some major credit card debt.
From the same company that brought you ‘Angostura Bitters’, which you may only know as some nasty sh*t your great grandmother may have given you to settle your stomach, now lay claim to the ‘Most Expensive Bottle of Rum in the World’. The bottle is housed in an Asprey crystal decanter with a sculpted silver stopper, created and designed by the jewelers to Prince Charles and limited to a minuscule 20 bottles worldwide (a mere three in the U.S).
TEQUILA
Tequila Ley
$3.5 Million
When you hear about an astounding 6,400 diamonds, weighing in at 415 carats, set into an 8-pound pure platinum setting, you’d probably think some really rich and famous guy just proposed to a really large woman with huge hands, but in this case, it’s the actual bottle this ridiculous tequila comes in. And here we thought Gran Patrón Burdeos, at just $649, and Don Julio Real at $350 was a treat!
BEER
Vieille Bon Secours Ale
$1,000
For this brew, you’ll have to take a trip across the pond. The 12-liter bottle can only be purchased at a bar in London called Bierdrome. This beer has been described as having a complex taste with citric, caramel and toffee flavors with an undertone of licorice and aniseed. It should at least come with an engraved beer koozie for that price.
COCKTAIL
Flawless
$55,000
The world’s priciest drink, launched in London in 2007 at Modiva nightclub- It consisted of a large measure of Louis XII cognac, half a bottle of Cristal Rose champagne, some brown sugar, angostura bitters and a few flakes of 24-carat edible gold leaf. Oh and an 11-carat white diamond ring.
Stars spotted at the club have included Prince and Beyoncé. Partygoers who ordered the drink were rewarded with a floorshow, with the drink mixed in front of them, and two security guards.
Some other pricey cocktails you can go in search of are the ‘Diamond is Forever Martini’ (Ritz Carlton, Tokyo- $22,600), ‘The Proposal’ (The Purple Bar, Sanderson, London- $5,293), ‘The Ono Champagne Cocktail’ (XS, Encore Wynn, Las Vegas- $10,000), ‘Martini on the Rock’ (The Blue Bar, Algonquin Hotel, NYC- $10,000), and one more diamond laced cocktail for $50,000 (Reka Restaurant, Moscow).
What DJs Have the Best Hair
From the mop tops of the Beatles to the teased and torture manes of 80s hair metal bands, the mullets of Billy Ray Cyrus, the long locks of rock gods, and punk music’s Mohawks, hair has defined genres and generations of music since the beginning of time.
Disc Jockey’s are usually heralded for their mad skills behind the decks, and perhaps their hard-core partying ways as they zigzag the globe from club to festival to celebrity studded events, because now more than ever the DJ has reached star status themselves. But what about their hair…who’s got the best coif in the EDM DJ scene?
Skrillex
With his long locks and deep side part juxtaposing the half shaved to the bone side of his head, Skrillex’s do was at the forefront of this now trendy look, which is worn by copycats of celebrity status, and that hipster girl sitting next to you at your local dive bar.
David Guetta
Since his start in clubs in the 1980’s Guetta’s signature locks have not changed, which has resulted in a cross between John Denver (who most of you are probably too young to know) and the cult status style ‘the Rachael’ made popular by Friends star Jennifer Aniston.
Steve Aoki
“Long hair don’t care!” On April Fools 2013, the electro house DJ and heir to the Benihana chain, pranked fans with a tweet –“I JUST CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR!!!” which was met with 1,180 re-tweets. Even with all the acrobatic crowd surfing stunts, throwing cake at fans, spraying champagne bottles, and riding rafts on the dance floor, things just wouldn’t be the same with a bald Aoki.
Pauly D
The MTV’s Jersey Shore made Pauly D as a DJ rise from local Rhode Island clubs to a stint in Vegas and gigs across the US. He is perhaps equally known for his often imitated but never duplicated super gelled, sprayed, blow-dried mane. Without the massive amounts of hair product this DJ is virtually unrecognizable.
Nervo
The uber blonde twin DJ duo Nervo who co-wrote the Grammy Award-winning single, “When Love Takes Over”, performed by David Guetta and Kelly Rowland are white hot both musically and well just hot. Whether you like it short or long these twins and their blonde locks are bringing major estrogen into an otherwise male dominated world.
Tommy Trash
You know you’ve got a famous mane when your hair has it’s own Twitter-
Tommy Trash’s hair @TommyTrashsHair – Silky…….Smooth……..Flawless
Also in a DJ Mag interview the following pretty much sums it up:
Best known for: “Hair, hair and more hair.”
Deadmau5
Usually ‘mousy’ is a term to describe a drab, pale brown hair color, almost gray (ish). But not here- is it animal magnetism Deadmau5 projects? This mouse’s hair changes color by the show! Some accessorize with a hat or scarf, but Deadmau5 is committed to his ever-evolving mouse head and there’s something to say for originality.
Carl Cox
Holding it down for the Q balls is Carl Cox. Nobody quite does a baldhead like this British house music DJ and producer. Nothing is worse than a man going bald and doing nothing, leaving the ring around the head, gapping holes, or a constant 5 of clock head shadow. Cox keeps his dome to the razor’s edge- smooth and shiny!
Axwell
Not every man can pull off a super slick style, but Axwell pulls it off. Most men over do it with the super gelled slicked back hair and instead of looking suave look like creepy greasy haired old perverts. So kudos to you Axwell for successfully pulling off a sexy slick back without the sleaze!
Paul Oakenfold
This Brit has been mixing it up for over 30 years and his hair has not missed a beat. Even MixMag made the following comment to Avicii in a recent interview, “Aside from Paul Oakenfold you must have the best hair in dance music.” From semi short to his signature bob, Oakie’s locks are always super smooth and leave men and women alike wondering, “Who does his hair?”
Like the tracks these mega DJs produce, EDM won’t be confined to one hairstyle, yet uniquely makes it’s mark with some major gossip worthy hair all it’s own.
Best April Fools Pranks
Nothing like a nasty little prank to put a spring in your step and get your loved ones, or enemies’ heart’s racing. “Honey, I have crabs!” It’s not bad karma, when you <eventually> follow it with an “APRIL FOOLS!” Tap into your juvenile side and put some naughty fun into your week, since we certainly are not getting any pleasure out of the winter that won’t quit! Time to review some classic, some cruel and some downright genius pranks for this April fools.
Unplanned Pregnant
Like a whoopee cushion the good ol’ “I’m pregnant” works for anyone without the man parts. Freak out your parents, your boyfriend, that guy you’re cheating on your husband with; this hoax has endless possibilities and will surely instill fear! Insert evil chuckle!
Secret Show
These type of shows happen all the time. Remember when Club Glow did those secret Sunday sessions? Send a mass text to all your friends telling them their favorite recording artist or DJ will be playing a super exclusive one night only, not advertised night at the venue of your choice.
Death Becomes Her
This one surely crosses the line. But don’t get your panties in a twist, it you could ‘will’ things this easily; you’d already have a yacht full of cash and a golden unicorn. Take out a fake obituary ad in your local paper or spread the news via social media. Get your best friend involved. It’s a great way to see who really cares! Awe, you’re so loved, or maybe not.
STD Scare
Nothing scares the pants off like an STD. Or maybe you shouldn’t have taken them off in the first place. Place a call to your partner posing as their doctor saying they have new findings from their latest tests. Try the app “Sly Dial” to hide your digits on the caller id. Or call your past lovers and let them know you are just giving a courtesy call to alert them of your fire crotch.
On the Move
Tell anyone who cares about you that you’re hitting the road. Moving to Spain! Freak the kids or the wife out with a nice “For Sale” sign in the yard. Say goodbye to your friends kids we’re moving to the South Pole.
Traffic Trauma
If you’re crafty, draft a fake parking ticket, which you can adorn on all your coworkers cars. Or run into the office and tell that uptight guy in the adjoining cubical that you were just outside and their car getting towed or saw a boot on his car. Fun for all!
Under Cover
Let someone you know you are confiding in them about your past. You’re been in the witness protection program and you are not who they think you are. If you can’t keep a straight face with this one, an eloquent email works.
Kitchen Disasters
-Fill a 20 oz plastic coke bottle with Sprite and soy sauce.
-Make a yummy caramel apple treat switching out the apple for an onion.
-Be the office hero and bring in morning donuts filled with mayonnaise instead of custard.
Online Infidelity
Create a fake profile and chat with your lover online posing as a secret admirer. This is also a great way to find out if your gf/bf is really into you. Plus you can totally get away with it when they find out it was you, April Fools; we’re breaking up you cheating pig!
Jail Bird
Place a collect call to anyone who would care. When they accept, let them know you are in jail and using your one phone call.
Polygamy Prankster
This one would go a little something like this, after you sit your family down.
I hate to have to tell you this guys, but I have another family in Ohio, a wife and 2 other kids. Sorry, it’s time you knew. Who wants to meet your new siblings!
Face it, you’re evil, you have no soul! But it’s April fools, so it’s the one-day you can get away with being a prankster. Make sure to fill us in on how your April Fool’s day hoax goes.
The WTF in DC Fashion & Style
Unlike, NYC or Los Angeles, DC isn’t exactly known for it’s trendy fashion sense. Though it does have a unique style all it’s own. From Capitol Hill, to Georgetown to the DC Club scene and beyond, let’s explore some of the iconic, ironic, and horrific styles that scream Washington DC.
Sear Suckers
Take a stroll around Georgetown and you cannot escape a warm afternoon without seeing some Kennedy wanna-be sporting this look, which they probably picked up at the Gtown uber preppy attire hub Vineyard Vines.
The US Senate even held Seersucker Thursdays in June from 1996-2012. Nerds.
Pastels
Nowhere does khakis; pastel colored dress shirts, Lacoste everything, bow ties and sear suckers quite like DC. That’s why if you ever planned to leave DC due to the Polar Blast, you may find yourself out of fashion next to the casual Southern and Western styles, just see our Polar Blast Pushing People out of DC and the Northeast- FOREVER?
24/7 Power Suits
Summer in DC is a sweaty swampy mess and you know the Washingtonian highbrow crew will not give up on their power suits, even in 100% humidity. To be clear, we are not talking casual summer office wear. It’s the ever traditional, wool or cotton blends. Break out the clinical strength deodorant.
DC Drag
Recently voted the “Gayest City in the US”, DC counters the uptight and boring looks of the Hill with flamboyant cross dressing madness. Just join in on the DC Drag Queen High Heel Race during the Halloween season and you’ll see tons of Chers, Madonnas, Britneys, and more.
Lady Suits
Remember Working Girl with Melanie Griffin? While many cities across the US have embraced a more casual office dress code, Washington women love their lady suits.
Kitten Heels
Why bother? If you’re going to wear a heel, go for it, these low set heels are like training bras, useless and unattractive. Plus wearing a kitten heel is a slippery slope, you’re one step away from wearing a pair of running shoes with your power suit to run to the metro.
Saggy Bottoms
Just head down to Adams Morgan or South East DC and you’ll see some major ass, but not the kind you may want to see. Some DC peeps can’t be bothered to even pull up their pants.
Fanny Packs
While riding awkwardly upright on your Segway, how else will you hold on to your disposable camera and metro card? Take a stroll by the White House or the by any of the monuments and museums and the haute couture is the fanny pack.
Cardigans & Pearls
The female answer to the sear sucker and pastels is a matching women’s twin sweater set and a set of pearls. Though this look is often updated and made edgier, DC prefers the traditional look.
Derby Hats
Attend the Virginia Gold Cup, which is like the bastard son of the Kentucky Derby and your look won’t be complete without a giant obnoxious wide brimmed hat, which hide the shame your face should be showing.
Body Paint
Washington DC certainly has something for everyone. One minute you’re passing by the political types, and the next you’re in full force in one of the most insane DC nightclubs, being covered in paint or passed by dancers in nothing but paint.
Spring Breakers: What You Will ALWAYS Regret This Spring Break
Look at your sorry pale ass, slumping over your laptop, covering up that muffin top layered in flannel and shivering from the bitter chill that is 18 degrees outside. But just when you think you’re going to go all ‘Office Space’ at work or psycho in your study group, remember that small glimmer of hope, the beacon in the sky that is spring break.
But before you toss your winter duds for that skimpy banana hammock and drown your liver in alcohol, prepare yourself with the knowledge of those who came before you. Those proud alumni of spring break who have tested the waters, and ate the slimiest of shell fish. Those warriors of wet t-shirt contests who came back tattooed and pregnant with a bloated liver, crabs and a prison wrap sheet. This is one time you want to listen to your elders, or face the fact that you may come back to real life, more disheveled and pathetic than you left.
Dorm Doom
You can always cover up that tattoo of a monkey on your ass and forget about the towel boy Pablo you slept with, but one thing you cannot recover from is being the loser who is stuck in the dorm room alone. You’ll be getting assaulted with photos on social media of all your slutty friends whooping it up at the beach, while you’re watching reruns of ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ or scraping the slush off your windshield on the way to your mind numbing corporate job from hell.
Regrettable Tats
While your brain is melting from the all you can drink bar, you may think that getting a tattoo of your girlfriends name or a unicorn tramp stamp will make you all your buddies laugh. This is a very bad idea, you WILL grow out of that hipster stage (hopefully) and be stuck with that mistake your whole life and a stretched out butterfly on your pregnant stomach in ten years isn’t a good look. The painful reminder of this tattoo will follow you and the removal process is more painful than the shame you scarred yourself with. Go tattoo crazy all you want, but make sure you’re in a clear state of mind and not during spring break on a dirty folding table with a rusty needle and booze brain.
Spring Break Burnt Victim
Neck down hasn’t seen the sun in six months. You. Yes you, you pale ass mofo! Heading south for spring break without getting a base tan at the salon is like exposing a newborn’s naked body to your dorm room hot plate. Get your pasty flesh to the tanning bed nearest you and save yourself from third degree burns. Skip this tip and you’ll be bed ridden with burns and blisters, stuck in that roach motel with an economy size bottle of aloe as your only friend. Also, make sure to use sunscreen and you’ll avoid looking like an old leather bag at 30.
Seafood from Hell
You gotta have something to soak up the booze, but that $9.99 all-you-can-eat seafood buffet will come out of every hole you have (free diet advice found here) before you make it to the dessert bar. But just in case you can’t resist those fried clam strips, make sure to pack some Imodium or this spring break will be one to remember for all the wrong reasons.
Girls Gone Wild
Joe Francis is the scum of the earth, plus why would anyone pay for porn? Yet, girls are still dumb enough to find themselves on a Girls Gone Wild video. Well guess what, now your pervert father’s friend who watches underage porn in his basement is going to happen upon a video of you showing your goodies to sleaze balls on film and your dad will never look at you the same. You’ll wind up shoveling shit on an alternative spring break or in a convent so keep your wild ways off film because it will surely haunt you for life.
Rasta Braids
Nobody looks good in cornrows. No exceptions. If you’re idea of a fun spring break is sitting still for hours on the sand in 100 degree weather while some smelly fat chic pulls your hair out of your skull, you can head to the Barber Shop and ask Ice Cube to get your pre-weave do done. Not to mention with the sand and surf this look couldn’t be less hygienic.
Alternative Spring Break
Hey you know what sounds like fun? Building a hut in a third world country and getting eaten alive by killer mosquitos while you tread around in donkey feces. NOT! Alternative spring break is for nerds. Worry about your resume later, college is supposed to be fun, and no STD can be worse than malaria, well maybe, but at least it was more fun catching. We’re not saying NOT to save the world, but save it for the summer, or winter break, when a nice little trip to the Sub Sahara will be a nice relief from the snow.
Two Ton Tammy
This is the time you will definitely regret not sticking to your New Year’s resolution of toning up. Sure we can all hide our muffin tops and saddlebags under the layers of winter clothing. But, come spring break, you’ll wish you had hit the gym before you butter your ass trying to get into that teeny bikini.
Local Lovin’
Unless you want to be forever connected to the local guy who rented you that Jet Ski and gave you syphilis, or that hot bartender at the Copacabana who is having your spring break love child, then you’d be better off keeping it in your pants. Or at least wrap it up, like 5 times.
Left Behind
If you can’t replace it, and can’t bear to live without it, don’t bring it on spring break. You’re probably sharing a room with several others because let’s face it, you figured you wouldn’t be sleeping much anyways. God knows who will be coming in and out of your room and with all that you’ve been guzzling down at the tiki bar who can remember their ID? Now did you leave your camera by the pool and your grandmother’s heirloom necklace…yeah you’re gonna regret bringing it for sure.
The Spring Break that Never Was
Spring break goes hand in hand with binge drinking, but going overboard will leave you with a killer hangover and a load of regret. You came to make memories, not black out for 5 days. You can do that back at home where snow still falls and your boss is a prick. Plus it’s never fun to see all the fun you had through the pictures and stories afterward. I bet you forgot you even got that tattoo didn’t you? Better check your backside.
The Best in Spring Breaking EDM Style
Ahhh, spring break, sunshine, alcohol, debauchery, and now some of the best in electronic music, which will ultimately leave you, broke and poisoned, but it’s all worth it. With more than 40% of college students going ape shit on spring break (the other 60% clearly are not engaged in higher learning for the right reasons), and more than an estimated 1 BILLION dollars spent killing your brain cells at warp speed.
Before you toss your inhibitions out the window, we will show you where to jet off to this spring to not only get a great tan, but also hear some of EDM’s best DJs and festivals. But oh course, if you’re in Washington, DC, over spring break, you know where the best EDM DC parties will be- Panorama Productions and Club Glow.
Miami, Florida
Spring break all started in the mid 1930s with college swim teams flocking to the sunshine state (that’s Florida, for you dropouts). South Florida capitalized on the tourism and is now the most popular spring break spot in the US. But if you want to skip the more ‘white’ trashier crap holes like Daytona and Lauderdale, head to Miami Beach where the trailer parks start to disappear and EDM reigns supreme with WMC and Ultra.
Why: Winter Music Conference & Ultra Music Festival
When: March 21- 30, 2014 (WMC) March 28- 30, 2014 (UMF)
Performers: Tiesto, Kaskade, Laidback Luke, Avicii, Hardwell, Armin Van Buuren, Above & Beyond, Eric Prydz, David Guetta, Steve Angello, Carl Cox, Paul Van Dyk, John Digweed…well, pretty much everyone. Check here for full UMF lineup
Tickets: UMF Click Here l WMC (varies by event)
South Padre Island, Texas
The UME Festival or Ultimate Music Experience is the main draw for stepping into George W territory. Though not as great as Miami’s WMC, and way shorter, South Padre is host to daily beach parties at several beach clubs, two full weeks of a daily dose of DJ Skribble (holy MTV Spring Break 1990’s throw back) and Trojan condoms hosts a big blow out. Condoms and EDM- is this spring break, or Christmas?
Why: Ultimate Music Experience
When: March 13- 15, 2014
Performers: Tiesto, Carnage, Dyro, Bassnectar, Zeds Dead, Paper Diamond, Pegboard Nerds, Keys ‘N Krates, Zedd, Boys Noize, Sandro Silva, Brazzabelle
Tickets: Click Here $129- $239
Panama City Beach, Florida
Ah the redneck Riviera, located on the panhandle of Florida, or garbage Florida, or white trash Florida… all very reputable monikers for most parts of Florida, outside of Miami. PCB is the #1 domestic spring break location boasting more than 500,000 spring breakers every March. The music lineup can’t touch that of WMC, UMF, UME, or the Mexico destinations. So why the f*ck is this even listed (one may ask)? Because you can still catch some decent acts and blow less money than you would anywhere else. You will have to put up with all the red necks drinking bud light cans with koozies, but you get what you pay for.
When: March 5- March 26, 2014
Performers: Steve Aoki, Lil’ Jon, DJ scribble of MTV fame, Robby Rivera, the EC Twins, Manufactured Superstars, and Pauly D
Tickets: The ONLY way to experience these Concert Events is to call direct at
1.866.722.7325
Cancun, Mexico
Spring Break 2013 in Cancun was in a league of its own with Student City and Shah Entertainment’s first ever Inception Music Festival. Cancun is the #1 international spring break destination and now there’s more than margaritas to get your pale winter ass across the border. In 2013, the Inception Music Festival hit the Gulf for the first time with over 30,000 people. This was 30 days and nights of wild day parties and world-class events, studded with the top EDM DJs in the world.
When: All month long in March 2014
Performers: Fedde Le Grande, Danny Avila, Sultan & Ned Shepherd, AN21, second phase of DJs TBA
Tickets: Inception event list and ticket info here.
Lake Havasu, Arizona
Because this enormous lake plays host to thousands of college students every Spring, that have only a few things in mind: To get rocked beyond belief, go to huge parties by the lake, meet other hot students, and get the hell away from their college for a week. The lake heats up at night, but the daytime is where most of the action is.
Why: Lake Havasu is the West Coast’s most popular spring break destination being only 2 hours from Vegas, that leaves you the rest of the week to go gamble and slut it up in Sin City.
When: Week #1: March 10 – 13, 2014
Week #2: March 17 – 20, 2014
Week #3: March 24 – 27, 2014
Week #4: March 31 – April 3, 2014
Performers: The Chainsmokers, Bro Safari, Carnage, Will Sparks, and more TBA
Tickets: Check out SWAT for ticket packages.
Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
The name of the game in Mexico is ALL INCLUSIVE! You won’t find this in South Beach, so to get the most out of your cash (or Daddy’s credit card- strike that if you have Daddy’s cc, go crazy) it’s good to dip into the all for one price- all you can drink, club entries, day time parties, hotel, food, etc. Mexico is amazing and PV is a definite step up from Cancun, it’s less ghetto and sticky sweaty, but don’t get us wrong, leave the pearls and sear suckers at home.
Why: Electro Beach
When: All month long in March 2014
Performers: Tiesto, Afrojack, Alesso, Fedde Le Grand, LA Riots, Paul Van Dyk, Sander Van Doorn, Adventure Club, Borgore, Carnage, Cash Cash, DJ Snake, Sander Van Doorn, Dyro, Wolfgang Gartner, Tommy Trash and more.
Tickets: For ticket information see the Electro Beach main page.
New Orleans, Louisiana
Though you may think of New Orleans only around Mardi Gras, the Buku Music Festival gives you a reason to skip the typical tacky Fat Tuesday and plug into a mix mash music festival, which ranges from EDM, to rock, to Indie, to rap. Head down early you can still catch the 24/7 crazy party atmosphere of Bourbon Street or head to the Cajun Riviera and enjoy the white sands and clear blue waters that you probably didn’t know were there.
Why: Buku Music + Art Festival
When: March 21-22, 2014
Performers: David Guetta, Kaskade, Chromeo, Ellie Goulding, Zedd, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, plus much much more. See the Buku Music Festival lineup here.
Tickets: $89.50- $2, 399.50- Buku Festival tickets here.
