Don’t Be “That Guy” at the Club

These aren’t dramatic. These aren’t rare. These are the best and the worst fails that take place at any nightclub worth its salt. You’ve seen them happen. You’re probably guilty of a few. The fact is, they happen to the best (and worst) of us. Since nearly all of us can relate, let’s celebrate our misfortunes and toast to our failures!

Epic Beer Goggles

Your inhibitions fall by the wayside when pounding shots and chugging beers. It’s an undisputed fact, people clearly look more attractive when you’re drunk. After a few drinks, you’re suddenly hornier than a pedophile after 20 years in prison. So when that sex god/goddess magically appears before you at the club and starts sucking your face, who’s to say no?

Sure, your friends tell you “no” but that doesn’t stop you! Only when you roll over in bed the next morning do you realize the severity of this mistake. There’s no going back now and it’s already all over Facebook. How could you stoop so low? Oh well… it happens.

Getting in a Fight

Nightclubs are incredibly high energy places and it’s no surprise when a brawl erupts. Luckily, nightclubs are required to have security for this very reason, however they don’t always intervene quickly enough. With all the raging testosterone, alcohol, and inflated egos running amuck, fists come flying when a few hotheads get rubbed the wrong way!

Cat fights are rare but they still happen. After all, the average woman has plenty worth bitching about and isn’t afraid to bare her claws when the night isn’t “going according to plan” or some intrusive slut encroaches on her boy toy.

Dancing on the Bar Top

Some girls “got it.” Some don’t. Ladies of a particular mass and density, just because your third Red Bull and Vodka says you should do it doesn’t mean the other patrons will appreciate your jello and thunder thighs quaking directly above where their drinks are served.

When it comes to dancing on the bar, here’s a good rule of thumb, courtesy of author George Orwell: “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”

Spilling Your Drink

Not only does spilling your drink mean you have to buy a replacement, it also means you or someone next to you is now soaked with a colorful and runny concoction. When dressed to the 9’s, this also feels like the end of the world (or just the end of your favorite outfit). It’s embarrassing and it sucks.

Words of wisdom: if you must spill your drink, just don’t do it on your crotch. There’s already plenty of people nearby who are piss drunk. A puddle in your lap just makes you look pissy and pissed off.

Fingering on the Dance Floor

You and this attractive guy/girl just met and you’re really getting to know each other. Three songs later and you’re REALLY getting to know each other. You start with the socially accepted dry-hump dancing (come on, kids in middle school dance like this today) before diving into a deep make-out session. You both know it’s on. One hand up the skirt, underwear aside (if they/you are even wearing any), and you two are now getting freaky. You’re now both acting very casually, acting like everything’s normal.

Then somebody grabs both of your shoulders. It’s the bouncer. Now you’re both flying like Superman out the door and crash-landing on the street. Next time, just get a room!

Busted with Fake ID

Shout out to all the under 21 patrons! Yeah, it sucks you’re not old enough to legally drink, even if you do serve in the military or come from a country where you’ll be served so long as you can see over the counter. But the rules are the rules, regardless of how much you dislike them. So read up (hyperlink to article)!

Getting caught by a bouncer or bartender with a fake ID is embarrassing. You’re singled out, it’s obvious, and it can end with legal repercussions.

Do the benefits outweigh the consequences? You decide!

Buying Women Drinks

Haha, you guys are chumps! You really thought that hot girl you just met was going all the way with you tonight because you “bought her” with an overpriced drink? This is the oldest trick in the book: unless she has some degree of emotional investment in you, she’s really just using you, no matter how you try to rationalize it.

Don’t be such a sucker! Girls typically like guys who are exciting, challenging, and interesting. You were too easy. The closest you’re getting to a blowjob tonight is watching her suck the drink clean before she disappears back into the crowd.

Throwing Up

If you drink beyond your limits, you will very likely throw up. Puking is your body’s defense mechanism for preventing alcohol poisoning and inevitably death. Avoid making a habit of it!

Tips for spewing: don’t resist it. If you feel nausea set in, stop drinking, grab your friends, and either immediately leave the club (you’ll usually get tossed by the bouncers for over-intoxication if you stay) or fly like a stealth bomber to the nearest bathroom. If you’re fortunate enough to make it out, find a trash can or make sure your designated driver is stocked with barf bags. Otherwise, toilets are your best friend!

Breaking Your Phone

Texting is a vital form of communication inside nightclubs due the noise levels. However, iPhones and alcohol don’t mix well.

Aside from the stupid texts you’re sending your crush or ex-, the likelihood you drop the damn thing skyrockets. Exercise extreme caution when texting inside a nightclub because the people bumping into you, your inebriation, and crazy light shows are all conspiring against you!

Lost Credit Cards and IDs

This one’s easy: don’t forget to close your tab. There’s a 99% chance they are still at the bar. Simple as that.

If you forget and go home without your credit card or ID, just give the club a call. They get dozens of people like you every night. Don’t be so ashamed. You screwed up, that’s all.

Washing Off Your X’s

Another shout out to the under 21’s! If you think washing the big, fat black X’s off your hands will entitle you to drinking privileges, think again!

Most nightclubs provide wristbands for easy identification of 21+ customers. If you’re busted, there’s usually some leniency and you’ll be re-X-ed. Then again, some clubs aren’t that nice and it’ll be game over for you.

Caught With Someone’s Significant Other

Ménage à trois, anyone?

It’s one thing to cheat on your boy/girlfriend at the club while they’re off buying drinks (for you) or locating friends. But since we know that you would never do that, let’s assume these type of people exist.

You just met the person of your dreams and everything’s going great. You’re hugging, kissing, and things are getting steamy. Suddenly, this annoying guy/girl comes over and starts yelling… at you! What did you do wrong? Nothing. Just run while you can!