The Best (and Worst) of Nightclub Fails
Don’t Be “That Guy” at the Club
These aren’t dramatic. These aren’t rare. These are the best and the worst fails that take place at any nightclub worth its salt. You’ve seen them happen. You’re probably guilty of a few. The fact is, they happen to the best (and worst) of us. Since nearly all of us can relate, let’s celebrate our misfortunes and toast to our failures!
Epic Beer Goggles
Your inhibitions fall by the wayside when pounding shots and chugging beers. It’s an undisputed fact, people clearly look more attractive when you’re drunk. After a few drinks, you’re suddenly hornier than a pedophile after 20 years in prison. So when that sex god/goddess magically appears before you at the club and starts sucking your face, who’s to say no?
Sure, your friends tell you “no” but that doesn’t stop you! Only when you roll over in bed the next morning do you realize the severity of this mistake. There’s no going back now and it’s already all over Facebook. How could you stoop so low? Oh well… it happens.
Getting in a Fight
Nightclubs are incredibly high energy places and it’s no surprise when a brawl erupts. Luckily, nightclubs are required to have security for this very reason, however they don’t always intervene quickly enough. With all the raging testosterone, alcohol, and inflated egos running amuck, fists come flying when a few hotheads get rubbed the wrong way!
Cat fights are rare but they still happen. After all, the average woman has plenty worth bitching about and isn’t afraid to bare her claws when the night isn’t “going according to plan” or some intrusive slut encroaches on her boy toy.
Dancing on the Bar Top
Some girls “got it.” Some don’t. Ladies of a particular mass and density, just because your third Red Bull and Vodka says you should do it doesn’t mean the other patrons will appreciate your jello and thunder thighs quaking directly above where their drinks are served.
When it comes to dancing on the bar, here’s a good rule of thumb, courtesy of author George Orwell: “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”
Spilling Your Drink
Not only does spilling your drink mean you have to buy a replacement, it also means you or someone next to you is now soaked with a colorful and runny concoction. When dressed to the 9’s, this also feels like the end of the world (or just the end of your favorite outfit). It’s embarrassing and it sucks.
Words of wisdom: if you must spill your drink, just don’t do it on your crotch. There’s already plenty of people nearby who are piss drunk. A puddle in your lap just makes you look pissy and pissed off.
Fingering on the Dance Floor
You and this attractive guy/girl just met and you’re really getting to know each other. Three songs later and you’re REALLY getting to know each other. You start with the socially accepted dry-hump dancing (come on, kids in middle school dance like this today) before diving into a deep make-out session. You both know it’s on. One hand up the skirt, underwear aside (if they/you are even wearing any), and you two are now getting freaky. You’re now both acting very casually, acting like everything’s normal.
Then somebody grabs both of your shoulders. It’s the bouncer. Now you’re both flying like Superman out the door and crash-landing on the street. Next time, just get a room!
Busted with Fake ID
Shout out to all the under 21 patrons! Yeah, it sucks you’re not old enough to legally drink, even if you do serve in the military or come from a country where you’ll be served so long as you can see over the counter. But the rules are the rules, regardless of how much you dislike them. So read up (hyperlink to article)!
Getting caught by a bouncer or bartender with a fake ID is embarrassing. You’re singled out, it’s obvious, and it can end with legal repercussions.
Do the benefits outweigh the consequences? You decide!
Buying Women Drinks
Haha, you guys are chumps! You really thought that hot girl you just met was going all the way with you tonight because you “bought her” with an overpriced drink? This is the oldest trick in the book: unless she has some degree of emotional investment in you, she’s really just using you, no matter how you try to rationalize it.
Don’t be such a sucker! Girls typically like guys who are exciting, challenging, and interesting. You were too easy. The closest you’re getting to a blowjob tonight is watching her suck the drink clean before she disappears back into the crowd.
Throwing Up
If you drink beyond your limits, you will very likely throw up. Puking is your body’s defense mechanism for preventing alcohol poisoning and inevitably death. Avoid making a habit of it!
Tips for spewing: don’t resist it. If you feel nausea set in, stop drinking, grab your friends, and either immediately leave the club (you’ll usually get tossed by the bouncers for over-intoxication if you stay) or fly like a stealth bomber to the nearest bathroom. If you’re fortunate enough to make it out, find a trash can or make sure your designated driver is stocked with barf bags. Otherwise, toilets are your best friend!
Breaking Your Phone
Texting is a vital form of communication inside nightclubs due the noise levels. However, iPhones and alcohol don’t mix well.
Aside from the stupid texts you’re sending your crush or ex-, the likelihood you drop the damn thing skyrockets. Exercise extreme caution when texting inside a nightclub because the people bumping into you, your inebriation, and crazy light shows are all conspiring against you!
Lost Credit Cards and IDs
This one’s easy: don’t forget to close your tab. There’s a 99% chance they are still at the bar. Simple as that.
If you forget and go home without your credit card or ID, just give the club a call. They get dozens of people like you every night. Don’t be so ashamed. You screwed up, that’s all.
Washing Off Your X’s
Another shout out to the under 21’s! If you think washing the big, fat black X’s off your hands will entitle you to drinking privileges, think again!
Most nightclubs provide wristbands for easy identification of 21+ customers. If you’re busted, there’s usually some leniency and you’ll be re-X-ed. Then again, some clubs aren’t that nice and it’ll be game over for you.
Caught With Someone’s Significant Other
- Ménage à trois, anyone?
It’s one thing to cheat on your boy/girlfriend at the club while they’re off buying drinks (for you) or locating friends. But since we know that you would never do that, let’s assume these type of people exist.
You just met the person of your dreams and everything’s going great. You’re hugging, kissing, and things are getting steamy. Suddenly, this annoying guy/girl comes over and starts yelling… at you! What did you do wrong? Nothing. Just run while you can!
Faking it with Fake IDs in DC Nightclubs
Fake IDs – Worth the Risk?
Disclaimer: We are not suggesting you purchase a fake ID. It is ILLEGAL.
This article is intended for entertainment purposes only.
With tons of DC party schools and great nightlife options nearby, fake IDs are a right of passage for college students. This guide will walk you through the DOs and DONT’S of Fake ID and much more!
Punishment
Amazing! You’ve just scored a fake ID! With this piece of plastic, you’ve just earned an all-access pass to DC nightclubs. Right? No, not really! Fake IDs can be more of a hassle than they’re worth and carry life-changing penalties.
Before using a fake ID, consider the consequences…
If you are arrested and taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell, this is probably the only “jail” time you will see. Misrepresentation of age in Washington, DC is a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum of a $300 fine and a 90-day suspension of your driving privileges if convicted.
This means you will have a criminal record. Having a conviction on your criminal record can have lasting consequences – including loss of scholarships or financial aid, the inability to hold certain jobs, and difficulty in obtaining certain occupational licenses.
How to Notice a Fake
DC bars have TONS of methods for determining if your ID is real or not. Think it’s only hair color, height, weight, torn edges and holograms they look for? That’s child’s play.
- Cards with magnetic strips can be swiped through ID scanners. A real magnetic strip will register in the system. Fakes display “invalid card.”
- Black lights will reveal hidden images in some state identifications.
- ID Reference Book – a bouncer training manual, complete with pictures and descriptions of IDs from all 50 states. Many bars also have a separate book with international forms of identification.
Pennsylvania IDs are a popular state to falsify. Can you spot the fake?
LICENSES 1, 3, AND 4 ARE LEGITIMATE PENNSYLVANIA LICENSES. LICENSE 2 IS THE FAKE.
Some under 21s will get an ID passed down from an older friend or relative. Keep in mind these IDs can still be dead giveaways.
Worst Fakes
From group photos to chugging a bottle, these fakers need to get a clue! Are you McLovin?
Some Basic Dont’s
Don’t purchase at a store or on the Internet
Fakes are all over the Internet, with China producing some of the most authentic looking IDs.
Last year in Chicago, Customs agents seized 1,700 counterfeit IDs that were shipped from China. Forty young people between the ages of 17 and 20 years old were charged with buying the fake IDs.
Most fake IDs found in head shops (think Adams Morgan) or novelty stores will never pass as a real ID.
How do these stores get around selling fakes?
Stores can sometimes get around this by claiming the IDs are for “novelty purposes,” though law enforcement is cracking down on this loophole.
Don’t give your ID Away
You are already over 21 and don’t have to worry about a fakes anymore. You think you are being nice giving (or selling) your ID to an upcoming freshman or younger sibling.
What could go wrong?
- Contributing to false impersonation can get YOU in trouble!
- The fake ID holder could use it to rent a car. YOU got insurance?
- The fake ID holder could be caught stealing a car or killing someone… and claim it was YOU!
If caught, DO NOT be a D*ck!
Some bouncers are compensated for confiscating fake IDs. If you’re not arrested, you’re lucky, so don’t press your luck by asking to buy it back or fighting with the bouncer.
Don’t Go There!
Know your bar! If there is a bar or club that is notorious for underage clubbers – DO NOT GO THERE WITH A FAKE! Bouncers at under 21 clubs are specially trained to spot the fakes.
Dumb Sh*t People Do with Fake IDs
Stump the Drunk
If you are so desperate to be 21, then AT LEAST know your ID. Know “details” like address, date of birth, height, weight, hair color, etc.
Bouncers will try to confuse you. They may ask for your horoscope sign, the year you graduated high school, or the capital of your state.
Officially Stupid
Using a fake ID to obtain a passport, get a credit card, social security card, or obtain an apartment should be obvious, but people never cease to amaze. Even getting a Blockbuster card with a fake is a big mistake.
Cop Blocking
Imagine this: while stumbling back to campus drunk, a cop stops you. Do you show them your fake? NO! Though you could still be arrested for public intoxication, showing a fake ID will just add to your charges and you will be spending summer break picking up trash on 395.
Pitiful Pass Back
Awesome! They just got past the bouncer at your favorite club. Now you’re idiot friend tries to pass back the same ID to you. FAIL! Unless the bouncer has amnesia, you’re toast.
Alternatives
Enjoy your youth, for one day, you will wish you could stop the aging process instead of pushing it along. In the meanwhile, there are a ton of DC nightlife under 21 options for you. Check out these spots and be glad you’re not that shriveled old cougar sipping on her wine spritzer or that creepy old guy with the Hooters take out bag and fanny pack!
