A Girl’s Summer Fashion Guide to Lace & Crochet
Let’s Get Lacy Racy
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
When I think of summer only two things come to mind: lace and crochet… and lots of it. They’re really one in the same.
So let’s play the lacy racy game! Kidding, there’s no game. But you should go buy some.
Not all lace is racy, by the way. It just rhymes and sounds cool and should make you want to wear it more.
And there’s lots of ways to wear it!
- Crochet can be glued onto jean shorts.
I’m not telling you to buy a glue gun and ruin your favorite shorts, though it may be a fun project.
I’m pleading for you to go guy the cutest jean shorts you ever did see.
(Crochet Bonita Cutoff Shorts on Nasty Gal, Lacey Denim Cutoff Shorts from Free People) - Going to the beach and think you can’t look fly? Think again! Rock a crochet bikini! It’ll have you saying, “I’m confident and cool, I can even rock crochet in a pool.”
(Belle Crochet Beandeau top from Victoria’s Secret) - Another thing that comes to fashion mind when the topic of summer arises is the sundress, duh. Sundresses are the perfect warm weather staple. They’re oh so easy to wear and instantly make you pretty and put together. Update the classic sundress with an edgier lace alternative.
(Sleeveless Miles of Lace Dress from Free People).Why not wear a lace dress and frolic around the club like a carefree soul who didn’t take long to get ready but still kills it.
Last and maybe most important: How you can rock this lace or crochet look at the clubs?
We’ve previously talked about how the bralette is taking over. You can rock the lace bralette and kill two looks with one piece!
(Zinke Lace Crop Bralette on Free People)
Maybe wear a top with lace accents, for those of you who like to keep it simple.
This way, you can show other club-goers how cool you are for getting down with the trends while still remaining true to your laid back style.
(Wave Crochet Lace Top from Wasteland)
It’s time to get racy, ladies, and we insist, go buy some lacy.
Mirror Madness: The Art of Douchey Self-Portraits
Myspace Photos 2.0
Facebook is a self-indulgent social media vehicle that speaks volumes about your character without saying a word. The old saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” is definitely true when it comes to Facebook photos!
Do people really care about your beer pyramid, DJ studio, or latest dinner out? NO!
Even the above Facebook offenses are easy to overlook in comparison to the most obnoxious social media content ever: the SELF INDULGENT DOUCHE mirror self-portraits!
Things you’ll see in a Facebook self-portrait:
- Excessive tanning and tattoos
- Roided out gym pictures
- Crotch grabs and whale tail
- Flash bulb reflections and glares
- Fish faces
- Pregnant women… yes, big bellies
- Girls with white-blonde hair and black extensions peaking out (the zebra tresses)
- Ed Hardy galore – from tipped hats to tiger dresses
If you think a self-portrait mirror shot makes you look cool, original, or desirable, you have been severely mislead.
What leads to a mirror shot?
If you have a conventional routine, you typically wake up, get ready for work or school, eat breakfast, answer some emails, and check Facebook before heading out the door.
When in that limited time does someone decide it’s time for a photo shoot in the bathroom with the trusty iPhone?
Well, if you’re a narcissist…
Glamour Shot vs. Mirror Pics
Remember that mall phenomenon, “The Glamour Shot?” AT LEAST a Glamour Shot session involves a photographer and room without a toilet in the background!
Why do you have 2000 Facebook “friends” and not a single one can take a photo for you? If you can’t find a friend to take a picture of you, perhaps it’s time to get out of the bathroom and meet people who don’t live on Facebook. The least you could do is put up some clean folded towels and wipe the pubes from the sink.
Who, me?
Sometimes the actual posers aren’t the worst. Rather, it’s the dumb expression on their face as they look off in the distance, as if to say, “I was caught off guard!”
Wow, what a surprise! “I didn’t know I was even taking a picture of myself, even though my hand is caught literally on camera, in the mirror!”
If you MUST take a mirror picture, consider these easy enhancements:
- Camera with self-timer function
- Tripod
- Remote-control shutter release
- Lighting
So the next time you bench 200 lbs at the gym, get all slutty before hitting the DC’s hottest club, or bought that new Ed Hardy hat, practice some self control in front of that mirror and save it for the club photogs!
It’s Cool to Wear Just Underwear
Ladies, Go Buy Now: Underwear as Outerwear
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
So you’ve successfully completed steps 1 and 2 of how to keep yourself cool.
Still not satisfied? Still a little sweaty at the club? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
Go topless!
Kidding. We know it’s DC nightlife but no, I’m not really telling you to rock out with your TaTas out.
Step 3: Try the bralette.
You may not recognize step three by its name but you’ll know it when ya see it. We’ve all seen girls raging on guys’ shoulders wearing nothing but a bra.
They’re rocking the bralette.
And they’re keeping it real!!
We’ve seen it before: a trendy patterned bra peeking out of a chick’s graphic tank. Only now it’s not meant to be concealed! (amazing selection at Freepeople)
The bralette is typical party attire. It can be worn underneath it all or as your main garment of choice. You can even go in wearing it as a bra and come out wearing it as a shirt. It’s the best of both worlds.
This brings me to my main tangent. Underwear as outerwear. Anything goes.
You no longer have to conceal your undergarments; instead parade them around for all to see.
But be cautious.
The bralette is more appropriate than your average bra. If you take off your shirt and reveal a Calvin Klein lace push up bra, get out. But if you rip your graphic, fringed tank off and reveal a floral print cropped tank, you’re in the clear! (check em out at Urban Outfitters)
Also, this look is probably best kept in a club. Wearing a bra in public, whether or not it has the suffix “-lette”, is not 100% acceptable. Determine your surroundings. Hopefully your topknot isn’t so tight that it affects your decision making skills.
Be smart, no one wants to see your parts.
No One Likes a Sweaty Girl
Don’t sweat it! The topknot is here to help.
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Think of a night clubbing in DC. What comes to mind? Screaming, dancing and hanging with your friends. What about sweating?
If sweating doesn’t enter your mind, I’m not entirely sure what kind of clubs you go to.
Sweating at the club is inevitable. It’s like feeling guilty after eating too many cupcakes: shit happens naturally. It’s all too familiar… You’re having a great time with your friends and you start to sweat a little. Totally acceptable. Then a little turns into a lot. Now you’re dripping.
It’s no fun for anyone. You’re drenched and people are staring. At the very least your hair is sticking to your face. It’s really not a cute look.
What if we told you there is a trendy solution for the sweats? A way to keep your wetness in check.
Step 1: Deodorant. But that’s not what we mean, silly party people.
Step 2: Try the topknot.
You may be asking yourself, “What the F***’s a topknot??!”
top•knot [top-not]
noun
1. A sleek and chic ballet bun that one can plop on top of her head to remain cool. Cool as in trendy, but also as in free of heat!
2. Thinking you’re the sh*t… but you’re not. See: Douchey girl photo poses. Obnoxious things people do in the club. Guys who order chick drinks.
Topknots are all the rage these days, just ask Lauren Conrad or Whitney Port. These ladies know how to plop that knot on top of their heads, making them look all carefree and stuff.
Interested yet? You should be.
You may be one of those people who wants options for their hair. Maybe you hate the idea of a sleek bun on top of your head. Fear no more! There are many different ways to go about the topknot.
- The Ballet Bun – This should be familiar for the ladies who used to do ballet. This is your typical ballerina bun: tight, sleek, and compact.
- The Messy Topknot aka The Fun Bun – The messier, carefree version of the ballet bun. The greatest part about this is you can do it once you get to the club. That’s right, you can enter the club with wild and free flowing hair but leave a topknotted professional.
So next time you’re feeling down and just a little bit overheated, remember, don’t sweat it, the topknot is here to help.
A Girl’s Guide to Rocking Neon
Out with the girls and feeling frisky, are we?
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
So you’ve decided to go out with the girls and are feeling frisky and hot. What to wear? You want to stand out in a way that says, “PARTY’S HERE!” But you don’t want to stand out like the girl with her ass cheeks hanging from her skirt. Solution: Neon!
The neon trend can be done in many different ways. You can go all out and rock an outfit that blinds people…
or you can be subtle about it.
Subtlety is your best bet because you’ll still be a fun lovin’ chick who’s trendy, but you won’t be that obnoxious, highlighter waiving, fist pumping to Avicii fan in the middle of the dance floor. Save that sh*t for Dayglow.
GIANT HIGHLIGHTER = BAD.
Highlights = Good.
To be strategic and successful, I suggest a simple outfit to rock with the neon you’re getting down in. If you’re gonna go with the “I carry my necessities in a giant highlighter” look, then a simple and understated dress will do just fine.
Maybe some high wasted jean shorts, aka jorts, and a fancy shmancy patterned blouse. This look will say, “Hey, I’m looking fancy, fresh and casual, but BAM! check out my carrying case”. Then people will want to date you… or at least ask you where your bag is from. (Mini MAC Bag by Rebecca Minkoff, Kelsey Leather Mini Bag by Milly, Neon Nights Satchel by Free People)
Neon can be scary and even a little intimidating, we know this to be true. If you’re a beginner and a little nervous, you can always tiptoe into the trend. Put your best foot forward with some neon shoes instead of a handbag.
You’ll be simple, put together, and classy; but now you can simultaneously send off the “I’m here and I’m ready to kick ass” vibe. Literally though… kick ass in your cool kicks.
Remember one simple rule about neon: do it up, but do it gently. Limit your outfit to one neon piece, such as bottoms OR a top, unless you decide to go with neon jewelry. In that case, go crazy and stack & pile that sh*t up on your wrists and neck. (Knot Extension Long Necklace by Sequence)
Allow the neon to speak for itself. Go on, do it.
Ya only live once, that’s the motto…
effing NEON!
Ladies, Go Buy Now: High Fashion Sneakers
They say beauty is pain.
But does it have to be?
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Do you wear heels because they make you look leggy? Or because they make you look fly? Or is it just because they make you look like an individual who gets down when its dark out?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, congratulations! You’ve got style… but your feet are probably killing you!
Beauty does not have to be pain. You can be cool, hot and stylish while still being comfortable. Sounds crazy, we know, maybe even impossible. So let’s digress into the problem and a possible solution: sneakers.
You’re probably reading this and saying “Sneakers, for a night out in at the clubs in DC? You must be dreaming… or insane!” But in fact, this idea is not crazy, it is ingenious. It’s actually surprising no one has thought of this before.
Lucky for you, someone finally did. And now you can rock the wedged sneaker without a care in the world. And more importantly, without a blister on your foot.
Just to clarify, this is not an insinuation for you to go out and buy New Balance sneaks for a night out. No, DC nightlife isn’t comparable to a trip to the gym; instead, what you should be drooling over is the high fashion sneaker.
If the comfort factor isn’t enough for you, maybe the fact that Kate Bosworth rocks these sneakers is motivation enough. All the fashion followers wear them to fashion shows. If that doesn’t scream high fashion, I’m not quite sure what does.
This fancy shoe has a wedge which gives you just a tiny bit of height, and just generally makes you look hardcore and awesome.
Rock them with some skinny jeans, perhaps jeggings, or even those bandage skirts; people will envy the comfort on your feet and you can jump around and dance the freaking night away in style.
So, lovers of fly kicks, GO BUY NOW: high fashion sneakers.
Here’s 5 looks to getcha started:
freepeople.com | shopbop.com
shopbop.com | shopbop.com | nastygal.com
Ladies, Go Buy Now: Hotpants!
Being trendy means looking fly, whether it’s flattering or not.
Fashion week has run its course and you should definitely be excited about all the new styles. As soon as that crazy trendy sh*t hits stores, you can wear it out on the town.
Hopefully you’re into the shorts and tights combination. It never gets old. Here’s how you can transform that winter short ensemble to a flirty spring one:
Do you dig high waisted shorts?
You should. They make you look leggy and lean. What’s to complain about?
Exactly.
The trend to absolutely die for right now is something called the hotpant. Don’t be fooled by the title. Said pants are in fact shorts… and they’re everywhere!
You may be asking yourself, “Why should I care about hotpants? I just wanna get down and rock out with my frock out.”
You should die for hotpants because they practically scream DC night life. You can get down in them because they’re not tight ass bandage skirts. And they’re just slutty enough to make your point. Perfect combination.
Those are clearly the pros of hotpants, now let’s discuss the cons – none.
They let your legs fly free and make you look trendy and fun loving. They’ll also have the boys screamin’ booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere.
So if you’re looking for a good time, take some hotpants out for a spin on the town. Zoe Kravitz and Rihanna are a few of the many celebrities rocking the trend. You should too.
Questions, concerns? Hotpants are most certainly the answer.
Upgrade your outfit @
freepeople.com
shopbop.com
shopbop.com
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Photo courtesy of whowhatwear.com
Drinks Guys Should NEVER Order
P***y-A** Drinks = No P***y for You
Stop ordering them or never get laid again!
These emasculating, sugary concoctions not only drop a male’s testosterone down to skirt level…
…they can turn the most savage beast into a rainbow puking unicorn.
“Oh boo hoo, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but love getting white girl wasted!”
If a guy approaches you at a DC nightclub with one of these drinks, make sure his next one tastes like gasoline!
Malibu
Not only does Malibu taste like suntan lotion, it might as well have a removable bikini on the bottle.
Think: the alcoholic’s answer to Aunt Jemima.
Nothing about the word ‘Malibu’ sounds masculine. You have ‘Malibu Barbi’, the mid-sized ‘Chevy Malibu’ sedan, and the song ‘Malibu’ by Hole lead singer Courtney Love… which is the most masculine of the three.
If you really want to femme-it-up, just go all out and order Malibu’s bastard child: the Pina Colada!
Apple Martini
The martini is considered a staple of masculinity, popularized by the old greats like James Bond.
But nothing is more unattractive then having your date pound an Appletini.
When you mix in the neon green color with a super ladylike martini glass and cherry garnish, you have ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Banana Hammock’.
Amaretto Sour
Amaretto sours are only acceptable for high school girls.
Place this order and the next thing you know you’ll be watching The Notebook and knitting a Snuggie for your kitten!
The flavor Amaretto is only acceptable when secretly hidden in desserts you are force-fed at some point in your life (like wedding cakes) or an unsuspecting glaze at Cinnabon.
Sex on the Beach
Don’t be fooled by the name!
Sex on the beach should taste like sandy butt crack, sunscreen, fish, latex and salt… not a liquid fruit salad.
Rolling through the club with a sex in the beach in hand will have you farther away from ever having sex on the beach or simply sex in ‘real life.’
Cosmopolitans
Are you meeting up with your gal pals to chat about the Oprah book club, discuss the your South Beach diet’s progress, and watch Sex in the City reruns?
While watching those reruns, check to see if you EVER notice a man drinking a cosmo!
While Carrie’s masculine jaw and Samantha’s overtly sexual behavior may be confusing, it’s a strictly female cocktail, not strictly dickly.
Wine Spritzers
It’s hard to even say “spritzer” without adding a girlie lisp into your voice.
“Can I have a white wine spritzer, and my balls on a silver platter?”
You know who drinks spritzers? Old ladies and preppie interns from New England on Capitol Hill.
White Russians
Drinking breast milk is more masculine than this fake-me-out Russian, milky libation.
Russians must be ashamed to have their name on such a wimpy cocktail!
You’re not the Big Lebowski: be a man and have your vodka straight up, with a side of chest hair!
Smirnoff Ice
Thanks to the toxic heyday of Zima, these alcoholic sodas are in every 7-Eleven and college bar across America.
Under no circumstances is any sort of clear malt beverage flavored like fruit (Bacardi Silver, Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade) acceptable.
These low-alcohol content drinks are like beer with training wheels and for lazy people who cannot be bothered to mix a proper drink.
Okay, time to put on the big boy pants, take off the skirt, stop drinking girlie drinks and check out this video!
The Usual Suspects of DC Nightlife
The Characters of DC Clubbing
You know you’ve seen ’em: these people are prowling DC’s nightclubs every night!
This guide doubles as a scavenger hunt for the next time you’re out in DC.
“Find the hipster with the ironic mustache and skinny jeans!”
“Where’s that DJ whore? Maybe I’ll score sloppy seconds!”
“Let’s cow-tip that top-heavy Jersey Shore wanna be!”
Sleazy Promoters
Every club has AT LEAST ONE of these.
They’re usually in their mid to late 20s and trying to bang all the young coeds they never experienced because they never attended college.
They prey on undergrads, au pairs, and overall female insecurities. Some even fluff their own egos by telling guests they’re an owner.
Bring your bullshit detector and prepare for close encounters with these snakes!
Ravers
Step 1: Find one adolescent.
Step 2: Add glow sticks, a pacifier, stuffed animals, furry boots, and revealing neon outfits.
… and PRESTO: instant club kid!
If that didn’t tip you off, you’re in a coma.
These candy-coated kids have more ticks and toys than a toddler and keep losing track of their friend Molly. (“Please help me find Molly!”)
DJ Whores
Q: Ever wonder why all the hottest girls are in the DJ booth?
“If I can just get a picture with <insert ANY DJ here> maybe he will sleep with me and then I can brag about it to all my Facebook friends!”
A: It’s because clubs offer these girls up like sacrificial lambs!
You’re not one IN a million, honey: you’re one OF a million.
The Hill Intern/Yuppie
Though usually found in their natural habitat (Georgetown and Arlington), the occasional crossover blows into the club scene, unabashedly sporting khakis, pastels, Lacoste, and popped Polos.
They will ALWAYS be astonished by the cost of Bud Light, rarely dance, but always leave in a happy drunken stupor.
“Excuse me as I exhaust my daddy’s trust fund while whining about these drink prices!”
The Hipster
They will ironically wear big black framed glasses (non-prescription) and $300 skinny jeans they allegedly bought at a Salvation Army.
They’ll roll their eyes when the bartender tells them they don’t serve PBR in a can and take a bathroom break to take their ADHD meds and apply more mustache wax.
“I listened to dance music before it was cool.” *scoff scoff*
Poser DJs
Everyone’s a DJ these days!
But seriously: how many of these wannabees make it to Tiesto, Armin, or Avicii’s levels? (hehe… get it? You’re not a real fan if you don’t!)
We love our local talent and resident DJs, but just because you DJed your brother’s bar mitzvah doesn’t mean you’re a DJ.
Try learning to spin without the Sync button!
Old Creepers
These are the guys who eat at Hooters and chill at the titty bar for the sake of female company.
So where do these lonely fellas go before heading home and cleaning their dentures?
To the local hotspot, of course, where they’re out pounding beers and “bumping” into their granddaughter’s friends!
Fresh off the Boats
It’s the nation’s capital, so there’s plenty of travelers and newbies flooding DC’s clubs.
Spot them wearing the latest 1990s fashion, a Swatch watch and fanny pack (filled with David Hasslehoff pictures).
They flock to the clubs, show off their Euro dance moves, and take an ungodly amount of photos to show their friends back home in Estonia.
Drunks
This one’s easy and all-encompassing…
Vomiting
Slurring
Stumbling
Fighting
Straight-up public embarrassments showing off their douche-y behavior…
…then again, some people are simply natural douches.
Elitist Staffers
You know… the asshole bartender, beastly security guard, and snobby cocktail waitress.
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? These guests pay for their salaries!
But in all fairness, try putting up with some of these usual suspects and your personality might just change!
Fist Pumping Douches
Long before MTV’s Jersey Shore, these fist-pumping nimrods were crawling all over the District’s hottest clubs.
They’re known to drink straight from the bottle…
…watch out for cold sores!
Mr. “I wear my sunglasses at night” aka Ed Hardy
Never fear: douche bags are officially banned from Ultrabar.
Dancers
Dancers add an undeniable allure to any nightclub, however there’s ALWAYS one that just doesn’t fit in.
“One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong…”
Just look for the one doing the Macarena. You’ll spot her.
Mr. / Ms. Candy Nose
Depending on their choice of substance(s), look for these telltale signs:
Giant pupils, tweaks, bloody noses, constant trips to the bathroom, rapid speech, and/or crazy dance moves.
We’ve all caught an episode of Intervention or Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew — think Lindsey Lohan or Charlie Sheen.
New Kids on the Block
There are several options for 18 and over nightclubs in DC but the “I just turned 18” crowd just can’t wait to party with the big kids!
This sly bunch will test their luck with fake IDs but more likely be spotted with giant “X’s” on their hands.
They will also probably wash them off and get thrown out a few times for underage drinking.
Obnoxious Things People Do in Nightclubs
Please Stop Doing These in DC Clubs
Ok, you’re not going to a Polo match with the Queen of England, but please control yourself!
Avoid these obnoxious urges and you will be a model of proper club etiquette!
Body Shots
Tequila? Check. Lime? Check. Belly lint? Check.
Hell yeah, it’s 1999 spring break in Daytona all over again!
“Excuse me! Can all you customers please remove your drinks from the bar so I can lay down and have rail tequila poured in my naval while my dirty feet stink up your face? Kthanks!”
Holding Everybody’s Hands in Your Group
Couples? Ok. But not the 
group of 8 that’s lined up like they’re about to do the bunny hop.
Your linked train that’s pushing through the club and ignorantly bulldozing guests NEEDS TO GO!
“Red Rover, Red Rover, send douche bag on over!”
Bathroom Stall Gang Bang
Not since infancy should going to the bathroom ever be a two-person sport.
Bathroom twosomes or threesomes can only mean:
1. Something’s going up your nose – that’s illegal!
2. You’re hooking up – get a room!
3. You’re throwing up – know your limit!
Holding Up the Line at the Bar
Nothing is more annoying that the customer who takes FOREVER at a crowded bar.
These snails never know what they want to order, never have their money ready, and never get out of the way!
Check out The Worst Ways to Order a Drink!
Taking Off Your Shoes
You are NOT at the beach!
Taking off your shoes is gross: club floors are often be littered with trash, glass, sticky drinks, and unsavory bodily fluids.
No need to share your athlete’s foot or put your dirty shoes on the bar next to someone’s drink!
Stealing from the Bathroom Attendant
Isn’t stealing a lesson every child’s supposed to learn?
The bathroom attendant deals with drunk hoards every night. Why? Cuz everyone has to pee!
Attendants usually offer guests candy, gum, hair spray, perfume, and it’s NOT FREE! Show some respect and tip!
Hair Whipping
Cool it, Willow Smith!
You might think it looks sexy but when you’re sweating like a pig on the dance floor, your hair is more like a wet towel.
Please keep your dandruff flakes to yourself.
Dry Humping
While dancing is a natural part of clubbing…
…some people take it to the level of soft-core porn and might be better suited at the Motel 6 than a dance floor!
At this rate, fingering and hand jobs on the dance floor may as well be the new industry standard (you know you’ve seen it)!
Stripping
Fire Island – Go for it! In DC, this is just unacceptable.
Summertime: Outdoor events. Why not?
DC nightclubs: No. Save it for Chip n Dales.
Excessive Glow Sticking
Glow sticks are nearly synonymous with clubbing. In spite of this, there’s still a big difference between small glow stick accessories and obnoxious glow stick weaponry.
Glow stick nunchucks = epileptic seizure!
The last thing you want to say in the ER:
“I got a assaulted by a translucent plastic tube containing isolated substances that, when combined, make light through chemiluminescence.”
