Hey, you, old man river in the corner lurking at all the young girls with your ironed khakis and Hooters to go bag of leftovers! Or you, yeah you, cat women in the corner, I know you’ll be shocked by this article, even though your face is pulled too tight to emote emotion, but you, yes you, just may be too old for the nightclub.

Dun dun dun!!!! Shocker, but just like a caterpillar cocoons and flies upon butterfly wings to a new life, as Cro-Magnon man ultimately rises upward and sheds his fur, the club goer too must eventually, grow up, move on and find other nightlife activities, like civilized dinner parties where your Ann Taylor wrap dress or matching pant suit can be appreciated or Bingo night at the rec center.

No harm there! But there comes a time in every club kids life when you need to call it quits because guess what, nobody wants to dance next to the old dudes and saggy ladies from the leftover days of yore.

Look, we won’t leave you hanging out to dry trying to guess whether your rapidly approaching nightclub expiration date is overdue.  Here are some surefire tips on how to tell if it’s time to quit the club scene.

1.  You are first in line, first to go home, and of course you didn’t make it to the after party.
You definitely checked the clubs website, probably a month in advance to see the specials, the FAQ, the dress code.  In fact you probably studied the general lay out of the club in advance and where all the bathrooms and emergency exits are located.  For all your research, you know exactly what time the club opens and will be there 15 minutes early to ensure you are first in line.  But, long before midnight, you will be yawning, checking your watch and hurrying back to suburbia to make it to McDonald’s before they close.

2.  You have to get a babysitter

Unless you were 16 and pregnant, if you have kids it probably a good idea to give up the club life.  Having to schedule a babysitter to hit the club scene means you have kids, so you should probably go home and take care of them.  What babysitter wants to babysit until 3am, oh that’s right you can’t make it past midnight anyway.

3.  Nobody IDs you

You’re in line for the door, which is already testing your patience. The last time you stood in line was at Starbucks to get your daily double mocha whatever on the way to your doubly mind numbing day job. As you watch the bouncer carefully card each guest as they enter, you reach for your giant wallet, you know, the kind that can hold a checkbook. Your turn finally comes, the bouncer looks at you as you reach for your ID they say- “No ma’am or sir go right ahead.”  No ID check, and did he just call me ma’am?

4.  You can’t believe they don’t serve food

No cheese plate with my wine? But the sign said ‘Hungry Club’! First off, if you’re ordering wine in a nightclub, that should be your first indicator to go home and enjoy a rousing game of Jenga- but nightclubs are about the music, the drinking, the dancing, the hooking up not shoving an onion blossom in your mouth and toe tapping along to your light hits from the 80s and 90s.  I’m sure there is a Chili’s or TGI Fridays down the street from your home in the burbs.  You know the place where you park your Volvo and go on bi-weekly Costco runs.

5.  Can’t believe the prices

If you didn’t already faint at the price of admission, you’re for sure going to freak out when you order your first drink. $12? What I only ordered one drink. When I used to go clubbing (who says ‘go clubbing’? see next entry) drinks only cost $6 as you make the bartender and everyone around you pissed off as you have your mini meltdown- time for that St. Johns Wort herbal supplement pack you brought in your oversized purse.  Hey, at least you probably have a job and can afford the $12 as opposed to your younger club counterparts who are maxing out their credit cards.

6.  Your lingo is out of date- Molly who?

If you like to ‘party like a rock star’, ‘get jiggy with it’, or want to smoke some ‘grass’ or ‘go clubbing’ or perhaps engage in a ‘tab of ecstasy’ (drug use is not endorsed by us) you’re probably a decade or four past your prime. In fact, you could probably ask your teenage children what all the ‘cool kids’ are ‘rapping’ about these days and at least get your slang up to date. Geezer! Go have a ‘soda pop’.

7.  Why do you have to buy a bottle just to sit down?

Bottle service is entirely lost on you.  Why would I buy a bottle for $300 when I can get a bottle for $30 at the local liquor store? Why do I have to pay just to sit down? Because, it’s a status thing, the kids get it.  You buy a table; you get a table, a place to sit, a hot cocktail waitress and the ability to look down at all the “others” on the general dance floor- la di da I can afford a table! Dance Monkeys!

8.  You’ve been to the same club over and over…

If you find yourself at Ultrabar and are in line telling your friend you used to come here back in the day when it was called Home Nightclub or even farther back when it was… You’ve seen it through more renovations than your own home. Which reminds you to go look at paint samples for your kitchen remodel. Then, you’ve seen far too many generations of this establishment.  On to the Moose Lodge saddle bags!

9.  Complain about the music

Everything is too loud, too heavy and too crazy for you.  You ask for earplugs and have to reach for your legally prescribed migraine meds.  Then you are abhorred when some hooligan kid’s dilated pupils are eyeing your prescription bottle.  You’re getting out of here fast, in fact you may even be tempted to call management in the morning and alert them of possible drug activity in their establishment. “Shit hole!” you may silently murmur under your breath as your cheeks turn red from your reckless abandon of using a curse word out loud.

10.  You feel like shit the next day and have to call out of work
You just can’t hang like you used to. Back in the day, you could party all night long. In fact your night didn’t start until midnight.  You’d hit after party, after, after party and still make it to work the next day (if you even had a job) bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to go at it all over again the next night.  Now, you wake up feeling like a ton of bricks, grasping for the Gatorade and Tylenol and swearing you got drugged by someone and claiming you used to ‘party like a rock star’.  You call out of work saying you have food poisoning.

So go have your fun, be an over aged clubber if you got the balls (even if they are hanging low these days) own it.  But remember, normal people your age, are having families and growing out of their club haze. You’re just floating behind the curve while you’re reproductive organs rot, but join the club, where all are welcome.