A Girl’s Guide to Rocking Neon
Out with the girls and feeling frisky, are we?
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
So you’ve decided to go out with the girls and are feeling frisky and hot. What to wear? You want to stand out in a way that says, “PARTY’S HERE!” But you don’t want to stand out like the girl with her ass cheeks hanging from her skirt. Solution: Neon!
The neon trend can be done in many different ways. You can go all out and rock an outfit that blinds people…
or you can be subtle about it.
Subtlety is your best bet because you’ll still be a fun lovin’ chick who’s trendy, but you won’t be that obnoxious, highlighter waiving, fist pumping to Avicii fan in the middle of the dance floor. Save that sh*t for Dayglow.
GIANT HIGHLIGHTER = BAD.
Highlights = Good.
To be strategic and successful, I suggest a simple outfit to rock with the neon you’re getting down in. If you’re gonna go with the “I carry my necessities in a giant highlighter” look, then a simple and understated dress will do just fine.
Maybe some high wasted jean shorts, aka jorts, and a fancy shmancy patterned blouse. This look will say, “Hey, I’m looking fancy, fresh and casual, but BAM! check out my carrying case”. Then people will want to date you… or at least ask you where your bag is from. (Mini MAC Bag by Rebecca Minkoff, Kelsey Leather Mini Bag by Milly, Neon Nights Satchel by Free People)
Neon can be scary and even a little intimidating, we know this to be true. If you’re a beginner and a little nervous, you can always tiptoe into the trend. Put your best foot forward with some neon shoes instead of a handbag.
You’ll be simple, put together, and classy; but now you can simultaneously send off the “I’m here and I’m ready to kick ass” vibe. Literally though… kick ass in your cool kicks.
Remember one simple rule about neon: do it up, but do it gently. Limit your outfit to one neon piece, such as bottoms OR a top, unless you decide to go with neon jewelry. In that case, go crazy and stack & pile that sh*t up on your wrists and neck. (Knot Extension Long Necklace by Sequence)
Allow the neon to speak for itself. Go on, do it.
Ya only live once, that’s the motto…
effing NEON!
Faking it with Fake IDs in DC Nightclubs
Fake IDs – Worth the Risk?
Disclaimer: We are not suggesting you purchase a fake ID. It is ILLEGAL.
This article is intended for entertainment purposes only.
With tons of DC party schools and great nightlife options nearby, fake IDs are a right of passage for college students. This guide will walk you through the DOs and DONT’S of Fake ID and much more!
Punishment
Amazing! You’ve just scored a fake ID! With this piece of plastic, you’ve just earned an all-access pass to DC nightclubs. Right? No, not really! Fake IDs can be more of a hassle than they’re worth and carry life-changing penalties.
Before using a fake ID, consider the consequences…
If you are arrested and taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell, this is probably the only “jail” time you will see. Misrepresentation of age in Washington, DC is a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum of a $300 fine and a 90-day suspension of your driving privileges if convicted.
This means you will have a criminal record. Having a conviction on your criminal record can have lasting consequences – including loss of scholarships or financial aid, the inability to hold certain jobs, and difficulty in obtaining certain occupational licenses.
How to Notice a Fake
DC bars have TONS of methods for determining if your ID is real or not. Think it’s only hair color, height, weight, torn edges and holograms they look for? That’s child’s play.
- Cards with magnetic strips can be swiped through ID scanners. A real magnetic strip will register in the system. Fakes display “invalid card.”
- Black lights will reveal hidden images in some state identifications.
- ID Reference Book – a bouncer training manual, complete with pictures and descriptions of IDs from all 50 states. Many bars also have a separate book with international forms of identification.
Pennsylvania IDs are a popular state to falsify. Can you spot the fake?
LICENSES 1, 3, AND 4 ARE LEGITIMATE PENNSYLVANIA LICENSES. LICENSE 2 IS THE FAKE.
Some under 21s will get an ID passed down from an older friend or relative. Keep in mind these IDs can still be dead giveaways.
Worst Fakes
From group photos to chugging a bottle, these fakers need to get a clue! Are you McLovin?
Some Basic Dont’s
Don’t purchase at a store or on the Internet
Fakes are all over the Internet, with China producing some of the most authentic looking IDs.
Last year in Chicago, Customs agents seized 1,700 counterfeit IDs that were shipped from China. Forty young people between the ages of 17 and 20 years old were charged with buying the fake IDs.
Most fake IDs found in head shops (think Adams Morgan) or novelty stores will never pass as a real ID.
How do these stores get around selling fakes?
Stores can sometimes get around this by claiming the IDs are for “novelty purposes,” though law enforcement is cracking down on this loophole.
Don’t give your ID Away
You are already over 21 and don’t have to worry about a fakes anymore. You think you are being nice giving (or selling) your ID to an upcoming freshman or younger sibling.
What could go wrong?
- Contributing to false impersonation can get YOU in trouble!
- The fake ID holder could use it to rent a car. YOU got insurance?
- The fake ID holder could be caught stealing a car or killing someone… and claim it was YOU!
If caught, DO NOT be a D*ck!
Some bouncers are compensated for confiscating fake IDs. If you’re not arrested, you’re lucky, so don’t press your luck by asking to buy it back or fighting with the bouncer.
Don’t Go There!
Know your bar! If there is a bar or club that is notorious for underage clubbers – DO NOT GO THERE WITH A FAKE! Bouncers at under 21 clubs are specially trained to spot the fakes.
Dumb Sh*t People Do with Fake IDs
Stump the Drunk
If you are so desperate to be 21, then AT LEAST know your ID. Know “details” like address, date of birth, height, weight, hair color, etc.
Bouncers will try to confuse you. They may ask for your horoscope sign, the year you graduated high school, or the capital of your state.
Officially Stupid
Using a fake ID to obtain a passport, get a credit card, social security card, or obtain an apartment should be obvious, but people never cease to amaze. Even getting a Blockbuster card with a fake is a big mistake.
Cop Blocking
Imagine this: while stumbling back to campus drunk, a cop stops you. Do you show them your fake? NO! Though you could still be arrested for public intoxication, showing a fake ID will just add to your charges and you will be spending summer break picking up trash on 395.
Pitiful Pass Back
Awesome! They just got past the bouncer at your favorite club. Now you’re idiot friend tries to pass back the same ID to you. FAIL! Unless the bouncer has amnesia, you’re toast.
Alternatives
Enjoy your youth, for one day, you will wish you could stop the aging process instead of pushing it along. In the meanwhile, there are a ton of DC nightlife under 21 options for you. Check out these spots and be glad you’re not that shriveled old cougar sipping on her wine spritzer or that creepy old guy with the Hooters take out bag and fanny pack!
For a complete list of DC clubbing no nos check out “Best Ways to Get Kicked Out of the Club” Guide
Ladies, Go Buy Now: High Fashion Sneakers
They say beauty is pain.
But does it have to be?
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Do you wear heels because they make you look leggy? Or because they make you look fly? Or is it just because they make you look like an individual who gets down when its dark out?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, congratulations! You’ve got style… but your feet are probably killing you!
Beauty does not have to be pain. You can be cool, hot and stylish while still being comfortable. Sounds crazy, we know, maybe even impossible. So let’s digress into the problem and a possible solution: sneakers.
You’re probably reading this and saying “Sneakers, for a night out in at the clubs in DC? You must be dreaming… or insane!” But in fact, this idea is not crazy, it is ingenious. It’s actually surprising no one has thought of this before.
Lucky for you, someone finally did. And now you can rock the wedged sneaker without a care in the world. And more importantly, without a blister on your foot.
Just to clarify, this is not an insinuation for you to go out and buy New Balance sneaks for a night out. No, DC nightlife isn’t comparable to a trip to the gym; instead, what you should be drooling over is the high fashion sneaker.
If the comfort factor isn’t enough for you, maybe the fact that Kate Bosworth rocks these sneakers is motivation enough. All the fashion followers wear them to fashion shows. If that doesn’t scream high fashion, I’m not quite sure what does.
This fancy shoe has a wedge which gives you just a tiny bit of height, and just generally makes you look hardcore and awesome.
Rock them with some skinny jeans, perhaps jeggings, or even those bandage skirts; people will envy the comfort on your feet and you can jump around and dance the freaking night away in style.
So, lovers of fly kicks, GO BUY NOW: high fashion sneakers.
Here’s 5 looks to getcha started:
freepeople.com | shopbop.com
shopbop.com | shopbop.com | nastygal.com
DC’s Top Party Schools
The Biggest Party Schools in the DC Area
Going for a little more party and a little less study? Check out the top schools in the area, where students take full advantage of DC nightlife and the campus party scene!
Each year, colleges in America are ranked, most popularly by the Princeton Review or Playboy Magazine. Currently, Ohio University is the #1 party school in America. Southern schools, unsurprisingly, like University of Georgia, University of Mississippi, Florida State University, University of Florida, and University of Texas all came in strong. The University of Maryland also made this year’s list, giving the area a sense of local pride.
Since our very own University of Maryland made the list, we thought we’d dig a little deeper into the hard partying ways of colleges and universities in the DC, Maryland, and Virgina area.
Who are the local party monsters? Check out the list below!
University of Maryland
Downtown College Park is home to just a handful of bars and there’s no longer bars on campus. It’s a good thing so many DC nightclubs are close by! As for parties for UMD on Fraternity Row, times have changed: alcohol-focused parties are fading and campus police seems to be cracking down on on-campus revelries.
This is where living off campus comes in handy for students who crave alcohol and parties, where students turn their homes and backyards into nightlife hotspots.
Like all big state schools, football season also brings massive tailgates and parties all across town.
James Madison
In 2009, Playboy ranked JMU as the 22nd Best Party School in the nation.
Tucked into the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia, James Madison University was founded as a women’s college. So, boys flock there to take advantage of the Male / Female ratio: 40 % / 60% party scene.
You can be a little picky, since there’s plenty of bars in town. But if the nightclub scene is what you’re thirsting for, DC is just a couple hours away.
Creativity and a low budget is the key to having a good time in Harrisonburg, VA where house parties are the norm and students get down with kids from neighboring schools.
University of Virginia
There is hardly a club scene in Charlottesville, but a handful of spots offer a dance party/club-like experience. The bars that University of Virginia students frequent are, for the most part, located along the Corner and are host to crazy drink specials.
Sometimes these bars feel just like the frat parties, though, simply transplanted into a bar setting.The bars along the Downtown Mall seem more grown-up and attract grad students.
The typical evolution of a student’s nightlife entertainment is to go to frat parties or organization parties for the first two years and then to hit up bars along the Corner later on.
Virginia Tech
The town of Blacksburg provides various nightlife choices for students. Downtown Blacksburg consists mainly of bars. Unfortunately, since Blacksburg is so small and downtown is only two blocks long, it doesn’t take too much time to check out all the bars and clubs.
There are always apartment and house parties going on, many thrown by fraternities in Oak Lane.
Throughout the year, Virginia Tech also brings all kinds of entertainment to campus, including comedians, bands, plays, hypnotists, and classical music. Sometimes student organizations have weekend dance or concert events.
Towson University
Towson University is a bar school where students often see on-campus promotions for nearby clubs or bars almost about every day of the week.
What makes Towson’s nightlife so great is that there are so many different bars to choose from that the scene does not get old too soon. One can easily get away with pre-gaming and stumbling out to the uptown bars, which are within walking distance from campus.
Due to the abundance of bar scene options, the house parties are usually lacking. While there are tremendous parties (think TigerFest), they tend to be held more often when the weather is nice.
George Washington
Because George Washington University is located in the city of Washington, DC, off-campus bars are often as much a part of the social scene as on-campus parties.
Party nights are Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. GW traditionally has offered fewer Friday classes and students capitalize on this by going out late on Thursday evenings.
With so many options to explore, GW students often find themselves carving out their own stomping grounds. The city offers top-notch nightlife, so whether you’re looking for a loud bar, a late-night nightclub, or more exclusive lounge, everyone will find something for them.
George Mason
Though George Mason isn’t your stereotypical party school, there are some cool local bars for students 21 and up. Since Fairfax, VA is close to DC, there are also plenty of options for students who aren’t of age. Check out DC’s hookah bars, comedy clubs, and nightlife 18 and over.
The week after move-in, frat bros can be found around the freshmen housing areas picking out the hot freshmen to invite to their parties.
Plus, the frat rushes provide safe rides for party attendees from campus.
Georgetown
The Georgetown Univeristy Hoyas are generous with their praise for the local club and bar scene.
Every student has his or her favorite spot in Georgetown itself, but some of the most hallowed party grounds are located outside of Georgetown proper, where students can access a plethora of 18+ nightclubs.
On-campus parties are frequent and free. Indeed it is true: if you like to drink in crowded public places, Georgetown might just be the school for you. A final note — many Georgetown students don’t realize how lucky they are that nobody charges for house parties on campus; it’s sort of an unwritten rule that upperclassmen are expected to throw free parties for whoever wants to show up.
The downside of this system is that campus parties are notoriously overcrowded.
American University
Many students agree that there is something for everyone at American University, which is located in upper Northwest DC. Though the school’s population is relatively small and has fewer parties when compared to state schools, many students assert it’s worth it to be in DC.
Welcome Week is probably the most fun for nightlife around campus. There are open fraternity parties every night to take advantage of.
DC nightlife is active and exciting enough to wear the most energetic students out. The most interesting places require only a short Metro ride, though there are some spots in Tenleytown for AU students.
Radford
What Radford University in Southwest Virginia lacks in organized nightlife (such as bars and clubs), it makes up for it with plenty of house parties. Students involved in Greek life or club sports or who live off campus are the ones to know in order to attend a great party.
The parties are usually in basements or in houses off the main streets to prevent police involvement. Certain organizations will card and require a student ID because they don’t want freeloaders showing up from other schools or the high school in town.
Radford’s downtown nightlife is more suited for the 21-and-older crowd, but no matter your age, there is always a party to attend.
Catholic University
Simply stated: there is always a party at Catholic University of America.
Whether students are trying to throw a sneaky party in a dorm room or are making their way by the dozens to the many bars and clubs DC has to offer, the bottom line is that you can tell the weekend has arrived when CUA kids are stumbling around.
Thanks to the vast nightlife in DC, the possibilities for nighttime entertainment are limitless, whether students are 21 or not.
Howard University
When night falls and it’s time to get your party on, there are a few things to do on campus at Howard University.
Student organizations often host parties during the school year. Dancing and socializing are definitely big, and many students frequent local dance clubs like Love and Fur Nightclub.
Howard Homecoming occurs every year in the third week of October. Homecoming is a can’t-miss event and has been known to draw thousands of alumni and students from schools all over the country. Even if you’re not yet 21, you can still enjoy DC nightlife, because many of the clubs cater to those who are 18 and older on certain nights.
Check out our Guide to DC Nightlife 18 and Up Venues and America’s Top Party Schools of 2012!
Ladies, Go Buy Now: Hotpants!
Being trendy means looking fly, whether it’s flattering or not.
Fashion week has run its course and you should definitely be excited about all the new styles. As soon as that crazy trendy sh*t hits stores, you can wear it out on the town.
Hopefully you’re into the shorts and tights combination. It never gets old. Here’s how you can transform that winter short ensemble to a flirty spring one:
Do you dig high waisted shorts?
You should. They make you look leggy and lean. What’s to complain about?
Exactly.
The trend to absolutely die for right now is something called the hotpant. Don’t be fooled by the title. Said pants are in fact shorts… and they’re everywhere!
You may be asking yourself, “Why should I care about hotpants? I just wanna get down and rock out with my frock out.”
You should die for hotpants because they practically scream DC night life. You can get down in them because they’re not tight ass bandage skirts. And they’re just slutty enough to make your point. Perfect combination.
Those are clearly the pros of hotpants, now let’s discuss the cons – none.
They let your legs fly free and make you look trendy and fun loving. They’ll also have the boys screamin’ booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere.
So if you’re looking for a good time, take some hotpants out for a spin on the town. Zoe Kravitz and Rihanna are a few of the many celebrities rocking the trend. You should too.
Questions, concerns? Hotpants are most certainly the answer.
Upgrade your outfit @
freepeople.com
shopbop.com
shopbop.com
Contributing Writer Amanda Hanowitz
Photo courtesy of whowhatwear.com
Surviving a Sober Night in a DC Nightclub
The DC Clubbing Guide to being Sober in a Nightclub
Got stuck as the designated driver? Under 21? On probation from that DUI?
No matter what your situation, there’s no need to sit at home and sulk!
Actually, there’s some people out there who go to nightclubs and never drink at all.
Here’s a nonsense-filled guide to keep partying, even with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet!
Be on Drunk Watch!
Drunks are hilarious… until they cross the line into the violent vomit trenches.
See who can spot the drunkest person in the club. Make it a game. Tally up points:
1 point – Stumbling Drunk
2 points – Fighting Drunk
3 points – Vomiting Drunks
Pretend you are Drunk
If you can’t beat em, join ’em…kind of…
Act like you’re drunk yourself.
Your friends won’t know the difference and then you can just do stupid things with them without worrying about hangovers or getting arrested.
Be the Photographer
Document the night!
Drunks take horrible pictures that are always:
Fuzzy. Or someone’s chopped off your head. Or they get too close, resulting in an alien head. Or no flash
This could be a great gift for your friends if you like to sit alone and scrapbook like a Stepford Wife.
Fun with Blackmail
Step up your game and take pictures and videos like you’re a crazed paparazzi stalker!
The more inappropriate, the better. Make sure to catch all those embarrassing moments. Be on the lookout for:
Humping sessions, crazy dancing, fights, vomiting, and definitely handcuffing.
Then make sure to Tweet and Facebook or hold onto for future blackmailing!
Flirt with the Staff
Just because you are not drinking doesn’t mean you cannot buy that bartender or cocktail waitress a shot.
Remember, the staff deals with drunk freaks all night long.
It might be refreshing for them to interact with that rare beast in the DC nightlife scene: the sober guest!
Hook Up
Since you’re not a stumbling, babbling drunk fool, you will naturally have the upper hand after midnight.
Seek your prey and impress them with your non-slurred speech and alcohol free breath. Take advantage of that hot guy/girl!
See how much easier it can be when your Ax Body spray hasn’t been over powered by the smell of whiskey seeping from your pores.
Charge Drunk People for Rides Home
Now’s the time to put those entrepreneurial skills to use!
See someone drunkenly stumbling to his or her car? Ask if they need a ride home!
Then pray they aren’t a deranged serial killer. Carry some mace and make sure you get payment up front.
Charge slightly less than the taxi for your services. This will make you a few bucks while saving them from the smell of old Chinese food and listening to the latest Bollywood soundtrack on their way home.
Dance
Dance like nobody is watching, because they probably aren’t!
This one may seem obvious, but without the liquid courage, some may find it hard to get their groove on.
Just remember that nobody will remember what you looked like dancing after they black out. Just hide from the cameras if you’re self-conscious!
Be the Mole
Drunks can be an open book, blabbering on and on about nothing.
Use this to your advantage and steer them to talk about all the things they will never say sober.
Now is the time to find out all your friends’ dirty little secrets.
Or wear a disguise and find out who is cheating on who without them knowing who you are!
Charge Your Friends for Going to the Bar
Too busy dancing to waste time going to the bar?
OR
Too drunk to make it through the crowd to the bar?
Be the gofer and charge a service tax for bringing your lazy alcoholic friends their drinks.
The DC Nightclub Workout Guide
DC Clubbing Guide on How to Party Off the Pounds
Drink too much this winter and have a beer belly?
Need to get rid of that spare tire or muffin top?
Is your party schedule too busy to be bothered by countless hours at the gym?
Before squeezing into your barely-there bikini or banana hammock for a summer pool party, read this and learn how to drop some extra weight without losing your social swagger!
Nightclub Workout Parties
The new generation of Richard Simmons workouts – only much hipper!
A new crop of parties is hitting nightclubs across America. These workouts mix all the aspects of a nightclub – disco balls, party favors, lasers, hot music, and a chance to meet other ‘clubbers’ while burning a reported 600-700 calories.
Classes have yet to hit the DC club circuit, however workout DVD’s can get you going until DC catches up with the trend!
Salsa Lessons
Wish you didn’t eat that infant-sized burrito? that was the size of an infant?
Several DC clubs like Lima Lounge, Café Citron, Lucky Bar, and Clarendon Grill (VA) offer salsa dancing lessons.
Plus, the next time you’re skipping the border into Tijuana for illegal prescription drugs and sawed off shotguns, you can stylishly grab a margarita and show the locals your moves!
Sweat It Out
Thank you, Global Warming!
DC nightlife can be hot and sweaty in the summer, so strip down and sweat off the pounds.
Just be sure to keep hydrated, or your next trip may be to the ER instead of the beach.
Mud Wrestling
A good ol’ fashion mud wrestling can do wonders!
Close those giant pores
Work out your aggression
Tone your limbs
Though Jello and Pudding have overtaken mud as popular forms of wrestling sludge, just take this one to the backyard!
Ride A Bull
Mechanical bull riding as a “club sport” has popped up in bars all across the states.
This takes some serious thigh muscles.
Not willing to pop a squat on top the beast?
No problem! Your stomach muscles will surely get a workout from laughing at the cowboy wannabes!
Check out the action at Cadillac Ranch at the National Harbour.
Shake Your Booty
You don’t need to be smooth or have any serious dance moves to do this.
Just dance like nobody’s watching!
Fist pump with your drink in hand (think hand weights)…
…or double fist your drinks for extra progress!
Switch Your Brew
No need to add more to that jiggly beer belly and risk looking like a beached whale.
Try a light version of your favorite brew.
Thanks to a computer nerd at Northwestern, there’s a complete list of the “11 Best Beers To Get You Drunk But Not Make You Fat”.
Good thing that college degree was put to some use!
Skip the Sugary Drinks
Some summer drinks are as bad and shoving a dozen Big Macs into your gut.
Pina Colada …say hello to your new ass!
Strawberry Daiquiri …oh yes please, I’ll take some saddlebags!
Long Island Iced Tea …nothing like a muffin top!
Seek out the less fattening versions of your favorites, like the Skinny Girl Margarita (you know, that obnoxious b***h from The ‘Real’ Housewives of New York City who just got $100 million from Jim Beam to buy out her brand).
Explore the Club
Clubs like Ultrabar have several levels, so go exploring!
Climbing those stairs works that a$$!
Try stepping exercises on the tables and couches!
Raise your drink in the air…
Shake that bottle like you just don’t care!
Pole Dance Class
Discover your inner slut with some pole dancing lessons.
Tone your arms and legs
AND
Score you some extra points in the bedroom
Who knows, maybe you can even moonlight as the real thing and pay for your summer getaway!
Classes have cropped up all over the DC metro area:
Jordin’s Paradise (1121 7th St NW, DC), Pole Pressure (1111 14th St NW, DC), Balance Gym (1111 14th St NW, DC), The P Spot (518 10th St NE, DC), Diva Fit (4080 Lafayette Center Dr Suite 210C,Chantilly, VA), Chic Physique (4931 Saint Elmo Avenue, Bethesda, MD).
Drinks Guys Should NEVER Order
P***y-A** Drinks = No P***y for You
Stop ordering them or never get laid again!
These emasculating, sugary concoctions not only drop a male’s testosterone down to skirt level…
…they can turn the most savage beast into a rainbow puking unicorn.
“Oh boo hoo, I don’t like the taste of alcohol but love getting white girl wasted!”
If a guy approaches you at a DC nightclub with one of these drinks, make sure his next one tastes like gasoline!
Malibu
Not only does Malibu taste like suntan lotion, it might as well have a removable bikini on the bottle.
Think: the alcoholic’s answer to Aunt Jemima.
Nothing about the word ‘Malibu’ sounds masculine. You have ‘Malibu Barbi’, the mid-sized ‘Chevy Malibu’ sedan, and the song ‘Malibu’ by Hole lead singer Courtney Love… which is the most masculine of the three.
If you really want to femme-it-up, just go all out and order Malibu’s bastard child: the Pina Colada!
Apple Martini
The martini is considered a staple of masculinity, popularized by the old greats like James Bond.
But nothing is more unattractive then having your date pound an Appletini.
When you mix in the neon green color with a super ladylike martini glass and cherry garnish, you have ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Banana Hammock’.
Amaretto Sour
Amaretto sours are only acceptable for high school girls.
Place this order and the next thing you know you’ll be watching The Notebook and knitting a Snuggie for your kitten!
The flavor Amaretto is only acceptable when secretly hidden in desserts you are force-fed at some point in your life (like wedding cakes) or an unsuspecting glaze at Cinnabon.
Sex on the Beach
Don’t be fooled by the name!
Sex on the beach should taste like sandy butt crack, sunscreen, fish, latex and salt… not a liquid fruit salad.
Rolling through the club with a sex in the beach in hand will have you farther away from ever having sex on the beach or simply sex in ‘real life.’
Cosmopolitans
Are you meeting up with your gal pals to chat about the Oprah book club, discuss the your South Beach diet’s progress, and watch Sex in the City reruns?
While watching those reruns, check to see if you EVER notice a man drinking a cosmo!
While Carrie’s masculine jaw and Samantha’s overtly sexual behavior may be confusing, it’s a strictly female cocktail, not strictly dickly.
Wine Spritzers
It’s hard to even say “spritzer” without adding a girlie lisp into your voice.
“Can I have a white wine spritzer, and my balls on a silver platter?”
You know who drinks spritzers? Old ladies and preppie interns from New England on Capitol Hill.
White Russians
Drinking breast milk is more masculine than this fake-me-out Russian, milky libation.
Russians must be ashamed to have their name on such a wimpy cocktail!
You’re not the Big Lebowski: be a man and have your vodka straight up, with a side of chest hair!
Smirnoff Ice
Thanks to the toxic heyday of Zima, these alcoholic sodas are in every 7-Eleven and college bar across America.
Under no circumstances is any sort of clear malt beverage flavored like fruit (Bacardi Silver, Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade) acceptable.
These low-alcohol content drinks are like beer with training wheels and for lazy people who cannot be bothered to mix a proper drink.
Okay, time to put on the big boy pants, take off the skirt, stop drinking girlie drinks and check out this video!
The Usual Suspects of DC Nightlife
The Characters of DC Clubbing
You know you’ve seen ’em: these people are prowling DC’s nightclubs every night!
This guide doubles as a scavenger hunt for the next time you’re out in DC.
“Find the hipster with the ironic mustache and skinny jeans!”
“Where’s that DJ whore? Maybe I’ll score sloppy seconds!”
“Let’s cow-tip that top-heavy Jersey Shore wanna be!”
Sleazy Promoters
Every club has AT LEAST ONE of these.
They’re usually in their mid to late 20s and trying to bang all the young coeds they never experienced because they never attended college.
They prey on undergrads, au pairs, and overall female insecurities. Some even fluff their own egos by telling guests they’re an owner.
Bring your bullshit detector and prepare for close encounters with these snakes!
Ravers
Step 1: Find one adolescent.
Step 2: Add glow sticks, a pacifier, stuffed animals, furry boots, and revealing neon outfits.
… and PRESTO: instant club kid!
If that didn’t tip you off, you’re in a coma.
These candy-coated kids have more ticks and toys than a toddler and keep losing track of their friend Molly. (“Please help me find Molly!”)
DJ Whores
Q: Ever wonder why all the hottest girls are in the DJ booth?
“If I can just get a picture with <insert ANY DJ here> maybe he will sleep with me and then I can brag about it to all my Facebook friends!”
A: It’s because clubs offer these girls up like sacrificial lambs!
You’re not one IN a million, honey: you’re one OF a million.
The Hill Intern/Yuppie
Though usually found in their natural habitat (Georgetown and Arlington), the occasional crossover blows into the club scene, unabashedly sporting khakis, pastels, Lacoste, and popped Polos.
They will ALWAYS be astonished by the cost of Bud Light, rarely dance, but always leave in a happy drunken stupor.
“Excuse me as I exhaust my daddy’s trust fund while whining about these drink prices!”
The Hipster
They will ironically wear big black framed glasses (non-prescription) and $300 skinny jeans they allegedly bought at a Salvation Army.
They’ll roll their eyes when the bartender tells them they don’t serve PBR in a can and take a bathroom break to take their ADHD meds and apply more mustache wax.
“I listened to dance music before it was cool.” *scoff scoff*
Poser DJs
Everyone’s a DJ these days!
But seriously: how many of these wannabees make it to Tiesto, Armin, or Avicii’s levels? (hehe… get it? You’re not a real fan if you don’t!)
We love our local talent and resident DJs, but just because you DJed your brother’s bar mitzvah doesn’t mean you’re a DJ.
Try learning to spin without the Sync button!
Old Creepers
These are the guys who eat at Hooters and chill at the titty bar for the sake of female company.
So where do these lonely fellas go before heading home and cleaning their dentures?
To the local hotspot, of course, where they’re out pounding beers and “bumping” into their granddaughter’s friends!
Fresh off the Boats
It’s the nation’s capital, so there’s plenty of travelers and newbies flooding DC’s clubs.
Spot them wearing the latest 1990s fashion, a Swatch watch and fanny pack (filled with David Hasslehoff pictures).
They flock to the clubs, show off their Euro dance moves, and take an ungodly amount of photos to show their friends back home in Estonia.
Drunks
This one’s easy and all-encompassing…
Vomiting
Slurring
Stumbling
Fighting
Straight-up public embarrassments showing off their douche-y behavior…
…then again, some people are simply natural douches.
Elitist Staffers
You know… the asshole bartender, beastly security guard, and snobby cocktail waitress.
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? These guests pay for their salaries!
But in all fairness, try putting up with some of these usual suspects and your personality might just change!
Fist Pumping Douches
Long before MTV’s Jersey Shore, these fist-pumping nimrods were crawling all over the District’s hottest clubs.
They’re known to drink straight from the bottle…
…watch out for cold sores!
Mr. “I wear my sunglasses at night” aka Ed Hardy
Never fear: douche bags are officially banned from Ultrabar.
Dancers
Dancers add an undeniable allure to any nightclub, however there’s ALWAYS one that just doesn’t fit in.
“One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong…”
Just look for the one doing the Macarena. You’ll spot her.
Mr. / Ms. Candy Nose
Depending on their choice of substance(s), look for these telltale signs:
Giant pupils, tweaks, bloody noses, constant trips to the bathroom, rapid speech, and/or crazy dance moves.
We’ve all caught an episode of Intervention or Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew — think Lindsey Lohan or Charlie Sheen.
New Kids on the Block
There are several options for 18 and over nightclubs in DC but the “I just turned 18” crowd just can’t wait to party with the big kids!
This sly bunch will test their luck with fake IDs but more likely be spotted with giant “X’s” on their hands.
They will also probably wash them off and get thrown out a few times for underage drinking.
Obnoxious Things People Do in Nightclubs
Please Stop Doing These in DC Clubs
Ok, you’re not going to a Polo match with the Queen of England, but please control yourself!
Avoid these obnoxious urges and you will be a model of proper club etiquette!
Body Shots
Tequila? Check. Lime? Check. Belly lint? Check.
Hell yeah, it’s 1999 spring break in Daytona all over again!
“Excuse me! Can all you customers please remove your drinks from the bar so I can lay down and have rail tequila poured in my naval while my dirty feet stink up your face? Kthanks!”
Holding Everybody’s Hands in Your Group
Couples? Ok. But not the 
group of 8 that’s lined up like they’re about to do the bunny hop.
Your linked train that’s pushing through the club and ignorantly bulldozing guests NEEDS TO GO!
“Red Rover, Red Rover, send douche bag on over!”
Bathroom Stall Gang Bang
Not since infancy should going to the bathroom ever be a two-person sport.
Bathroom twosomes or threesomes can only mean:
1. Something’s going up your nose – that’s illegal!
2. You’re hooking up – get a room!
3. You’re throwing up – know your limit!
Holding Up the Line at the Bar
Nothing is more annoying that the customer who takes FOREVER at a crowded bar.
These snails never know what they want to order, never have their money ready, and never get out of the way!
Check out The Worst Ways to Order a Drink!
Taking Off Your Shoes
You are NOT at the beach!
Taking off your shoes is gross: club floors are often be littered with trash, glass, sticky drinks, and unsavory bodily fluids.
No need to share your athlete’s foot or put your dirty shoes on the bar next to someone’s drink!
Stealing from the Bathroom Attendant
Isn’t stealing a lesson every child’s supposed to learn?
The bathroom attendant deals with drunk hoards every night. Why? Cuz everyone has to pee!
Attendants usually offer guests candy, gum, hair spray, perfume, and it’s NOT FREE! Show some respect and tip!
Hair Whipping
Cool it, Willow Smith!
You might think it looks sexy but when you’re sweating like a pig on the dance floor, your hair is more like a wet towel.
Please keep your dandruff flakes to yourself.
Dry Humping
While dancing is a natural part of clubbing…
…some people take it to the level of soft-core porn and might be better suited at the Motel 6 than a dance floor!
At this rate, fingering and hand jobs on the dance floor may as well be the new industry standard (you know you’ve seen it)!
Stripping
Fire Island – Go for it! In DC, this is just unacceptable.
Summertime: Outdoor events. Why not?
DC nightclubs: No. Save it for Chip n Dales.
Excessive Glow Sticking
Glow sticks are nearly synonymous with clubbing. In spite of this, there’s still a big difference between small glow stick accessories and obnoxious glow stick weaponry.
Glow stick nunchucks = epileptic seizure!
The last thing you want to say in the ER:
“I got a assaulted by a translucent plastic tube containing isolated substances that, when combined, make light through chemiluminescence.”
